Dropping the Rope V

[roist]

You validate any chance you get. That and give it time....more time. Apart from that there is not much you can do that I see, but I'm no expert.

I am sorry for your lack of connection and that your W has reacted coldly.Reverse the situation and ask yourself how you wouldreact if you were her. I know people react differently but I bet you would react differently. I'll let the vets analyse this in more depth.

How has she been with other people re texting etc? As ye were together most of weekend perhaps no real need to message you.

You had thought out this for s long time and reflecting hard about your options before deciding what to do. OK it came out in an angry reaction instead of otherwise, but you said what YOU needed to say. Leaving it unsaid would have made it worse for you.

It is done now and can't be unsaid. You second guessing yourself is because you want to save M at all costs, but the R ye have is not what you want to keep. Either you/ye move towards a different better R or it is not something to settle for.

Hope I make sense as I am rushing here just to answanswer before I got to go.

[Zephyr]

I have looked at this whole thing from her perspective. I do believe that she does not see how her relationship with this guy has gotten to a level where anyone could say that it is anything but inappropriate. She is mad that I questioned her.

I guess that I expected her reaction to be nothing but defensive and angry.

I was surprised that she HAD read a bit of online articles on EA's and yet still would not even consider that all that I spoke about was not the same, or that this was not something that could happen to us. As if our relationship was so strong that would never be able to happen.

I don't want to push things, I have been giving her space and time for years. At some point she needs to want to work on herself and to face the real communication and intimacy problems in our marriage before we could ever move forward towards a authentic loving relationship.

Illinois requires a minimum separation time before divorce is able to be signed. I will not live in an 'in-home' separation (well I guess I've done that already for a few years, haven't I) moving forward, if that is where things lead. we make enough money that if we needed to we could afford separate living accommodations (won't be easy - but if necessity pushes, it can be done). I am not ready to call it quits, but there is only so much that I can take...I don't want to spend the rest of my life living in a house full of resentment.

[roist]

You will live in a home full of love and met needs.That is sure. How long and with whom is not known.

I too am not willing to do the in house separation thing with all the issues that go with it. I have put up with enough long enough to not endure that too. I understand.

Best wishes to you

[roist]

Good morning Z,

Just a quick word to wish you all the best for a new week.Let's make it a good one.

I am not trying to stir up things in your head, so feel free to not reply.If ad you stated lately W is in EA , are you going to go down the tougher stance route as outlined in sandi's WW thread? Maybe the boundary you set is enough to start but I am just wondering if you are going to change your approach?

Reading between the lines I get the impression you may not force the transparency plan to be sure boundary is respected. Whereas I understand you wanting to trust her, and you wanting to believe she believes it is just s friendship. Maybe clearing your head and expressing your sentiments is enough at this stage as that should not be your main focus.

Anyway I hope all is going as well as can be for you.

All my best

[Fogg]

Zephyr, sorry things are going the way they are for you, I know how much you want things to work out. Reading this thread really makes me understand now how similiar our W's are. Everything you wrote could have been said about my W.

I had a similiar talk with my W before BD and she became angry with me that I was trying to stop her from having male friends. That it was nothing more than a really good friend (AFTER she told me she was fantasizing about him only a couple weeks before) but those feeling were gone and never to return. I explained to her how inappropriate her conversations and closeness were with OM and she just didn't see it. I'm not even sure she sees it now because she has justified their relationship (even thought she still tells me nothing happened between them) as having nothing to do with us separating. She didn't see how she was never getting her emotional needs met by me (combination of me and her problems) etc, etc, etc.

I feel for you, I know how difficult it must be to have changed yourself this much while she was still in the M and she refuses to change or even see what she needs to change. I think my W is in the same boat with not knowing what to change or putting in the effort to change. I did see a glimmer of hope she might be beginning to see her role in things when she told me "i put up walls so you wouldn't hurt me and never let you in like I should have" but it might not mean anything also. The path were on is difficult and long but I believe we will be OK in the end. Who/when/where are the more difficult parts that are yet to be determined.

Wish I could give you some solid advice on what to do next, stay strong.

[Zephyr]

Roiste, I just don't know.
I am working out what is best for me and my kids right now.

I've seen much less texting, could be anything. She doing more around house including dishes a couple of times

I have been really thinking about control. She surprisingly mentioned it during our long talk but I know that is one of the issues of the past I'm trying to figure out if this is just script or if there are some teeth in her argument.

Even quite a bit of her talking about how she was working on her and she thought we were actually making more progress...just raking time to get back.

Could be her buying time or she is still working Just having trouble and I can't help, idk what to do anymore.

Is this the hill that I die on or do I just keep focus on me and move on with my life and let the ball in her court.

I just don't know any more.
Need more thought.

[Zephyr]

Hey Dogg, thank you for the note...I do appreciate your input. It bites where our wives are right now.

Wishing you hb-d?

I have been keeping up with your threads, I am very proud of you...just haven't been able to post ... Besides V is a tough act to follow

[Zephyr]

I went back and reread some earlier stuff I jounaled and commented to others. I feel less stable than i did 6,months ago. I am just a mess this month.

[Zephyr]

Sorry fogg, stupid autocorrect again on phone.

[roist]

Take YOUR time Z, sometimes we are obsessed with what we should do that we put unnecessary additional pressure on ourselves.I too feel that but in reality I know that if I decided tomorrow or next week or later, that is OK too.

It is not easy to know what to do. Sometimes it is not eveneeasy to know what we want.

I too believe that my W does not see any harm in her friendship. I will keep an eye on it and act where I see inappropriate behavior.But for me the issue is not this friendship but that my W has checked out. Is his presence affecting that.surely.

I am considering following the advice given by sandi for WW.I am already distancing. Maybe our Ws do need to see they could also be losing us. I think that has to be something they realize as opposed to telling them.

Concentrate on you and kids.GAL without W. I know it is not easy to put aside deciding such things especially when we live a half marriage.
Take your time and give her time.

It is strange we both seem to be exactly at the same point more or less. I am sorry for you but I am glad of the company.

And lastly you know as well as I do that you will not die on this hill.