Back on these forums again

[Mona52]

Great start to the week! I walked in to work today ready for nothing but issues. I completed the upgrade I struggled with last Saturday and Tuesday on Friday. It should have taken me 2 hours and I was done in 14 minutes . The upgrade went so well this time that I decided to also upgrade some optional web components. Normally I would never dream of completing 2 upgrades at one time. That way if there is an issue, I know exactly which upgrade caused it and i can just roll back and get the users back up and running.

So I did 2 upgrades on Friday and I came in and just waited for the users to call me because they could not log in. I got a call almost as soon as I sat down. It was from a user who has never worked with me before, and I never upgraded her server before. I asked her what the issue was, and she told me she did not even log in yet. I asked her why she called me, and she said, "You did an upgrade over the weekend, so I am calling so you can help me with the issues logging in."
I asked her if she has seen any issues and she replied "No, I always call in after an upgrade, because there are always issues."
I told her she can log in as normal, there should be no problems, but if their are, she can call me back. She was wary of hanging up. I think she felt if she hung up she would never get any help when she had issues. I reassured her and hung up. I sounded confident on the phone, but secretly I was sweating. I should have stayed with her on the phone 'just to be sure'. But I need to show them they need to have confidence in their IT team.

Well, that was 3 hours ago. I got zero phone calls. Everything is running perfectly.

I turned in a major project for a co-worker on Friday, and this morning that is now completed and we both can move on, and I also got word from the state that the data I sent them on Friday is error free, and my submission for this semester is done. WoW!

That would have made a good day, but last night me and the kids really got rid of a ton of stuff again. We all worked hard and the house is really starting to look stunning. It is still bare and we still have a long way to go. I just never could allow myself to spend money on a lot of decorations, and we held on to so much stuff we never, ever use. So getting rid of years of accumulated junk feels fantastic. Like, with every bag that walks out the door, an invisible stone hanging around my neck, dragging me down, gets a little lighter.

But the best part was a finished my first full color brochure today. I even went so far as to add my picture to the inside. I can only afford to print out 30, so now I need to carefully pick which are the 30 lucky businesses that will get one. I stayed up all night last night researching exactly what I wanted to say on the brochure.

The kids were all in my room playing a karaoke game on the xbox and I was sitting at my PC in my room with ear plugs in trying to design exactly what I want. I have been praying night and day for 2 weeks now that this work. My goal is to find 10 itsy, bitsy, little customers in the next three months.

I have to stop my brain when it screams at me that I am not a sales person, and I will never, ever, ever be able to sell this to even one business, let alone 10. I have to stop my brain when it screams that no one will hire me because they do not understand what I am trying to sell them. I Have to stop my brain when it screams I can't even keep a loser of a H, and he is a pathetic wimp, so why would a business want anything to do with me.

When I think about this, my brain latches on to everything in my life that is bad. My brain points out in all of those ways that I am not good enough to succeed at ANYTHING. I know, beyond a doubt that if a business owner would just allow me to sit in front of their computer for 5 minutes, I can show them over 100 ways they are vulnerable. I have never once sat at a computer and found it secure. My brain kinda understands that, but it seriously screams that no business owner will ever, ever let me show them to begin with.

Then I get stuck on the fact that if I had someone helping me, like a real sales person, they could get me appointments and only then will I succeed, but as long as I try this alone, I will always be a failure.

I have not found a way to get around these thoughts. I cannot stop them or argue with them. I cant pretend I think they are wrong. But, regardless, I created the perfect design last night, and ordered 30 brochures. The businesses have no idea I feel like a failure, so I will just use MWD and act 'as-if' until it is true.

Cr@p, I was so excited when I started this post, now I just want to go cry.