Mustardseed Sprouting

[mustardseed]

GGrass you are so right. It is best that I don't involve myself OWs mess. She got herself way too involved in mine, and I am a better person than she.

I know that I will probably never know enough to satisfy my need to know. I am someone who loves a good story, I need all of my characters fleshed out. I need all the back story. I need to get the motives. I think I expect life to be as well written as a good novel. And I think I am starting to accept that isn't the case. Some characters just don't have the depth that validate their actions satisfactorily. I always need to find the good--the part of a person that allows me to accept their bad behavior because of the situations that they had to endure leading up to those actions. And I am realizing, that isn't in my best interest. Some people just suck. There isn't much more to them then their suckiness.

I am having a really tough time these past few days. I realized today that it might be because this weekend is the 2nd anniversary of first BD. Those memory emotions come back even before we realize. I also realize that while I need to learn to set boundaries, I am still too focused on holding H accountable. And that, too, isn't my job.

Yesterday he sent me a long email about all of these work obligations he has coming up that requires us to change the parenting schedule. ANd it angered me, because why do I still need to accommodate his schedule when I am not longer his wife? He wants 50/50 parenting, doesn't that include having to figure out your schedule on your own? I decided to just forward the email to my lawyer. That way it kept me from emotionally responding in a way I might regret. Or being the timid mouse and accommodating his needs and then resenting that I still bow to his beck and call.

On top of it, one of the dates that he will be "out of town for work" is supposed to be our next court date. If that date gets moved again I am going to flip out, because I need this order of protection removed. It's been pushed off for far too long. That particular trip is also the trip, where last year, he and OW made a spectacle of themselves in front of S14. This year D12 will be on that trip. Bad feelings are brewing around all of this, and that email felt like twisting of the knife. It really felt like he is saying--"see, I can still do all of the things you don't want me to do, and the one place where you feel you have a voice--in court--I am going to keep playing around with."

I can't act as if around him right now. I am feeling too bitter. I know I need to stop and start shining again. But I am so bitter. I hate that he is getting away with being so awful, and I am the one left picking up the pieces. He is a sad, lost man, but he isn't showing that side right now, and I want to see it. I want to know it is happening. That he is hurting as a result of his actions. And I know that is the part that I need to let go of, because all it is doing is keeping my focus on him instead of me.

I also think I am too impatient. I want fast results. But my lawyer has some promising ideas. And If I can just wait it out, let my lawyer do his magic, I might start to feel the tides shift in my favor again soon. Maybe once that starts to happen, I can let go a bit easier. I am very much in "NOT FAIR!!" mode right now.

I can't even believe how much I hate this man who was the love of my life. How does that happen? People are supposed to be forever.