We talked on Thursday and she was visibly upset a good deal on Friday. We spend a large portion of Friday, Saturday and Sunday together as a family. On Sunday, we went out for errands and the gym and lunch together without the kids and it seemed like we both had a nice time. She helped make my favorite meal on Saturday, Sunday made my favorite soup and helped with mowing the lawn (for only the second time in 10 years).
I know that these are not a good sign in and of itself. I know better now, it could mean anything. There is no way I can guess what she is thinking and SHE WILL NOT TELL ME. That is key here, she still will not openly talk to me about her emotions and her thoughts.
Since then, The truth is she has not sent me a single message, PM, call or anything. She has not addressed me by anything but my name save when she woke up and called me ‘Baby’. There has been no physical contact whatsoever since we spoke about how uncomfortable this friendship made me.
Deep down, I feel like crap. I am not sure what to do moving forward. She is clearly upset that I showed that I did not trust her actions. I told her that I’ve trusted her explicitly throughout our entire marriage and have NEVER had a problem with any of her other relationships, no matter what circumstances. This one is different. It is inappropriate in my eyes.
I know that there is going to be a long time before my wife (if ever) can look at this interaction with anything but contempt. I could not take the disrespect of her hiding, quite literally and figuratively, a relationship with another man…one where she sought to have her emotional needs met and to meet his (oh and depriving me of the same). She does not believe that is what was happening. She had even read some articles on Emotional Affairs after a conversation about another couple’s problems. She told me that she just didn’t believe that was a thing, and that she was pissed that I would even think that she was not smart enough to see if anything was happening like that. I have been watching her for 2 years with this. Have seen the emotional distance between us growing and the gap between her and him shrinking. Anytime in the last year I tried to discuss anything on an ‘emotional’ level with her, it was put off, met with resistance, resentment and anger. I still believe that she is not ready to accept what this really was, how this has affected our marriage, how an emotional bond with another man is actually a destructive force between us. I know that, that information cannot come from me. She has to come to that realization for herself.
It is easy to second guess myself on this as this likely will do nothing to bring us closer. It will only bring more anger and resentment into our marriage. As long as my wife is willing to use that resentment as a shield for her heart or a weapon against me getting closer to her, then I will need to just keep moving forward. I cannot force her to love me, to show me compassion, understanding and forgiveness. I cannot force her to want to live in a mutually beneficial and authentic marriage, where exclusivity is not something where either one of us needs to ever worry about.
Here is the rub, how do I do that…move forward and still continue to be her friend and continue to posture myself in a position of understanding and receiving, where I can be the one who is willing to fill her needs for genuine conversation and love?
