Thank you Sotto. This was a tough one. I responded exactly as Wonka directed and will see my W for the pooch drop tomorrow.
In the TM she even spelled out "I don't have anything up my sleeve." but it still seemed out of alignment to me. I wanted to write back, "I am the husband you walked out on, and the man who's dog you are trying to take, unfortunately right now that does not make me your friend."
Another Sunday in paradise...
Good luck to everyone out there in DB land who is in pain today, my heart goes out to all of you.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
PP I completely agree with Wonka. This really hit home with me because looking back h gets very nice and friendly right before I feel his knife. Good luck
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
PP I completely agree with Wonka. This really hit home with me because looking back h gets very nice and friendly right before I feel his knife. Good luck
Looking back this pattern is so clear Ep, I can see it all the way back to BD. I've been "nicer" all the way to where I am now.
Please allow me express appreciation for everyone again for helping me see this clearly, the allure of spending an evening with my W was almost too much for me. Justifying it as "good DB'ing" I almost gave in.
Thank you.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I never thought about dog custody before. How does that even work? Good advice from Wonka, I am glad he answered because I probably would have given terrible advice. Stay strong PP.
I think Wonka is right on. It is very tempting to take the offer, as we miss our friend too. The problem is, it isn't our friend who will be showing up. It is someone who is basically suing us to get out of a supposedly committed R. Yes, it is good that she still has some feelings for you and misses you. It is one thing to chat during dog swap.
The other thing to think of is how she would have reacted if the offer had come from you?
You don't have to be mean about all this. Just be honest. I'm uncomfortable with that right now. I'd like to be friends again some day, and I appreciate that we are handling this so much better than most couples going through a D. But for now, I think we keep things to the way we are doing things.
No sorry. No apology. Just matter of fact. No spelling out why - she should be able to figure out why once you say it isn't the right time for this. You are drawing a boundary to protect yourself. This is tough love for her. She needs to know that she will have to earn the chance to be friends if she wants it, and how she treats you during this phase will be part of that. This is the reality of the path she has chosen. And, you are pointing out how good you are doing as a couple at this most difficult time in any R along the rest of the message.
Good luck. It's tempting and will be hard to pass on.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you everybody, I turned the offer down. It was hard, but you are all correct, I'm not her friend right now and spending the evening with her would have most likely benefitted her as she knows I'm still available, but hurt me.
Early on in our separation I had made the decision that things were done and stopped returning texts, stopped reaching out etc. In my heart I had closed down a bit. She called me and we talked for over two hours. The next day she sent me a message saying she had been "filled up" by our conversation and felt so much better. I felt like the life had been sucked out of me. I have a feeling this dinner would have been similar.
Of course I dreamed of her last night night telling me how confused she is and how much she still wishes we were together. Thanks for that one brain.
Back to DB'ing for me this week. I'm holding a space of compassion for my W, I know she is also in pain and I'm acknowledging that to myself. I know that my actions caused a lot of her pain and I'm reminding myself of that when self righteous anger comes in. I'm also holding a space of compassion for myself since I too am in pain.
Thank you again for your thoughts everyone, I hope you all have a peaceful and progress filled week.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I agree that a friendly dinner is too far, so yes Wonka is definitive and I agree.
OK, you said not yet I hope? Let's see, some time in the future?
So, perhaps at some stage a brief mid morning coffee with WW and Woofie?
Planned when you sense the time is right, limited to a coffee dash. Your turn to temp check.
My view is slightly softer than the others, perhaps softer and dafter in some ways. It took some courage for WW to suggest this, whatever her motives might be, remember that fact. No matter I wouldn't be reaching for friendship with my WH and he too is very compulsive. Because he is active in his compulsions.
Please remember how far you have come, how much you have changed, I know more to come too. This change is clear to WW, absolutely it is, reflect, this broken R is two ways and W walking away was one of the factors encouraging you to work on you. Gratitude strange as it seems is in order. Reality dear PP is in your favour.
You are closing the door? The path is clear?
Your brain is your higher power PP.
Time to heal PP.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/12/1503:00 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
