We have to look at it from the perspective of the recipient. I am a big muscular guy, former athlete (not pro like you) but big and strong. My wife is a cute little 5'1" little lady. All I saw was me expressing my hurt at what she did to me, and her trying to ignore me for doing it. What she saw was a much bigger, stronger man acting in a manner she perceived as intimidating and threatening.
The way I see it, as the bigger, stronger person as well as being the man, I should be using everything in my toolbox to create a soft, loving space for her where she feels protected and loved. And I have to do that even if she doesn't want to be in it right now.
tl2, I think you've captured the gist of my sitch.
I commend you for the effort you've put in because when I compare your sitch to mine, I realise that you have really really done a lot of painful self-reflection to be where you are now. I really wish your wife will be able to see the effort that you're putting in.
I am also about your wife's height, and what you are describing is exactly what I felt. My XH is taller and bigger than me, and the fear that he might just cross the line is there. I know that when he's normal and not angry, he's not a bad guy. But when he snaps, I don't know how close to the line he is going to be, or if he is going to cross it.
And it's the eyes. When he snaps, I can see it in his eyes that he's gone beyond a place where reason or anyone else can reach him.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
