He has never laid hands on me or my child, or I would have absolutely gone the darkest of dark on him and imposed a permanent NC. Which is why I am in a dilemma.
Although he has never laid hands on me, he has definitely gone on a rampage throughout the house, breaking things that are in his path. He has snapped beyond reason and do things like bang his head on the wall, table etc while I tried desperately to restrain. He has also screamed and ranted uncontrollably. I tried to protect and calm down my kid who was cowering behind the door and let me tell you, my kid was so terried, she couldn't even cry. And for a mother, to see your child like that, it really is the most heartwrenching scene ever. And I don't ever want to see that again.
When I tried to console my kid, he demanded that I remain in the path of his anger so that I could witness his thrashing of stuff and his ranting. I tried to close the door shut but he pushed it open. In the end, I had to leave my cowering and shivering kid alone in the room, just so that I could close the room door and she didn't have to witness any more of the rampage. And his last rampage lasted more than 1 hour, and was loud enough for the whole estate (granted that we live in a rather small estate).
This is really painful for me, and as I type this, I can still hear the screams and the crashing and I can still see my kid cowering. I still get sick to my stomach and I still can't stop the tears from flowing. Do I get PTSD? Yes, when I hear loud and sudden sounds, I jump out of my skin, even when I am driving.
He is not physically violent. But he snaps, and I cannot mindread. And I am terrified of his next episode, especially when it seems that there are so many things that I can do to make him angry without even me realising anything.
Did he mean to hurt my kid? I don't think he intentionally did. And that is what is scary. The fact that his emotions override his intentions and he can't seem to do anything about it.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
