Newbie here - unsure of what to do

[sandi2]

I understand, and I hope you can trust this process. You are the one wanting to save the M, and at the moment, he's not sure he can go on with it. The only way to draw him closer, instead of pushing him away, is to not apply any emotional pressure.

He sounds like a good man, who feels obligation. So, it will be tempting for you to play on those obligations. For your own sake, don't remind him of his obligations, b/c he will resent you. You want this good man to want to stay in the M for one reason........b/c he loves the way a man loves a woman. Not out of duty, not out of sympathy, not out of guilt, but b/c he desires you above all others.

The advice you get may be very opposite from what your feelings tell you to do. It is b/c of those very feelings that you can't rely upon them to dictate what you should do. I really do understand more than you may realize, and I want to see you succeed.

As weird or unusual as this may seem, he does not need you initiating contacts throughout the day and/or night. He needs some space and time to clear his head, and most of all, to see this is not just your emotions talking. A person in his position tends to shut out what he is hearing from his W. Do not worry that he will think you don't care. At the present time, I don't think his issue is about you caring for him. It is more about him feeling betrayed. (Men are kind of like wounded animals when they are hurt, and they have to go off and be alone to heal. If you push, he will likely bite.) Seeing you repeatily going through these emotional upheavals has taken a toll over time. His mind and his own emotions need to rest a bit, okay? He needs to see you follow through with the professional care that is available.

If he asks me how I'm feeling, do I hide true emotions if I'm sad and just act like I'm fine?

First of all, when he asks how you feel, he doesn't mean it how you take him to mean it. He is not inviting you to go over everything again, nor get into another relationship talk. Didn't you tell him how you felt? And one thing led to another until it ended badly.

Normally, we tell people to not show their sadness, worry, depression, and other negative feelings. In your case, and until your therapist gives you further advice, I think if your response should be a somber, "I feel very determined to do what is necessary to heal from my issues, and to become a much better person". (or something similar, just don't get too far off). You see, this does not say anything about who did what. It doesn't ask him what he's going to do, how he feels about the M, etc. You don't mention the MR.

Let him lead the conversation. Don't ask him ANYTHING about his feelings. Talk about the kids, the weather, what was done during the day, but do not mention his or your feelings.

Wouldn't it seem insensitive to not ask him how he feels in return? Or did you just mean refrain from asking on my own (with no prompting from him)?

It would be insensitive if you did pry and ask about his feelings. Give the man breathing room. Yes, refrain from talking about anyone's feelings. But if he doesn't ask, do not say anything right now. You cannot smother him.

You do not have to jump around acting silly and giddy. He is aware of your problems. The best thing you can do is to work at staying calm. No hysterics, no threatening, no fits, no begging, etc. Just be calm. Stay away from relationship talks.

Not sure what you mean by friendship doesn't equal husband. If he wants to be close/kiss/etc., what's your advice on how to respond? I don't want to reject him, that would seem counterproductive. But I don't know.

Anyone can be a friend. Only one person can be your husband. Him offering to be there as your friend is not the same thing as being there as your H. Do not take advantage of him being a friend to you, during this time. (I normally tell LBH'S not to accept being a WW's friend). Considering your situation, I want you to understand that if you try to manipulate him, you will loose.

No, of course do not reject him. The wayward is in no position to reject the betrayed spouse. Do not reject his friendship, either. You were the one who did wrong, and so you do not reject his friendship, if he chooses to give it. I am saying this for the sake of any other readers who may be, or was, the wayward spouse and is now wanting to save the M. one of the dynamic differences in men and women is that whenever a woman puts her H in the "friend zone" instead of desiring him as her H......it is hard for him to change her mind/feelings and see him as a desirable man. However, I think it's different when turned around. I believe, b/c of the makeup of a man, that he can change over from the friend status to lover, a lot easier........and faster.

You have a lot of information to learn. Don't get frantic. We are going to help you. Your doctors are going to help you. ((Klassic)) You can do this. You can make it.



Your situation is a little different from the majority of people here, and I don't want a passerby reader being confused by this advice. I am glad you asked, and please ask whenever I do not make myself clear.