Am not sure where I belong now

[Zues126]

I'm not disagreeing with you here, zues. But when you say "because I hadn't gotten that far yet". That YET is the key.

I actually think physical separation when there is an intense angry outburst, even if it is the first one, is often warranted because it is a sliding scale, a continuum, and just like any addiction, the more it's done, the more it's likely to be done again, and the more likely the intensity will increase over time.

We have to look at it from the perspective of the recipient. I am a big muscular guy, former athlete (not pro like you) but big and strong. My wife is a cute little 5'1" little lady. All I saw was me expressing my hurt at what she did to me, and her trying to ignore me for doing it. What she saw was a much bigger, stronger man acting in a manner she perceived as intimidating and threatening.

The way I see it, as the bigger, stronger person as well as being the man, I should be using everything in my toolbox to create a soft, loving space for her where she feels protected and loved. And I have to do that even if she doesn't want to be in it right now.

Oh, I meant "I haven't gotten that far yet" in the sense that I hadn't overcome all of my anger tendencies yet. Not in the sense that I hadn't caused physical violence or more damage yet. That will NEVER happen.

We can agree to see differently on this, I just wanted to share my opinion. My opinion is this: Your spouse should be as important to you as your son or daughter.

This isn't just anger, this is for all things. All the reasons people give to leave their spouse. "My H was depressed, I couldn't live with him. He wasn't emotionally available. He got so angry. He drank all the time. He didn't hold a job." Etc.

If your son was depressed, would you kick him out? If your daughter was 'emotionally abusive', would you kick her out? Of course not. You'd get through and do your best to be a leader.

For example STBX left me citing I had 'mental health issues'. She's diagnosed me with 100 different disorders. Yet she does the same for my son and gets him counselors, works with him, and tries to help him grow through these challenges (which in my opinion she is responsible for much of!). This is what I'm talking about.

Now, there are lines that are crossed. If your son is stealing from you, doing drugs in the house, and flying off in violent rages...yes, at that point even your son would have to go. But I believe that the standard should be no different for your spouse than your child (or similar at least).

In 95%+ of the cases I see on the DB forums the WAS left for reasons that they NEVER would have kicked a child out of their home for. What's scarier to me is that the majority of the LBS's themselves still site their spouses flaws as reasons they wouldn't go back to the M without changes. Yes, I want a better M too. But I simply don't believe in D any more than I believe in leaving a baby in a dumpster because that's not what you want in your life right now.

Yes, there are shades of grey. Raising your voice once in ten years is different than multiple times a day. Losing your cool for 2 seconds, vs. 2 minutes, vs. 2 hours is vastly different. And despite the fact that verbal abuse is very destructive, there are definitely some big lines crossed when physical violence is introduced (even if emotional is as destructive it is less obvious to recognize).

Unfortunately it seems like too often those that are dealing with abuse don't recognize it and deal with it. And those that are simply WAS's play the abuse card to justify their decisions when (as I feel in my case) I am just a normal guy that has imperfect moments, while never using foul language, posing any threat, using fear in a controlling way, and that avoids any escalations for years at a time.

Again, everyone gets to draw their own line. This is mine. I feel I'm on the outskirts of the norm so I'm not looking for agreement. Just sharing and discussing. Thanks gang.