PS- why do I have to either be black and white or NOT black and white? Can't I be just a little black and white? Why does being black and white or not have to be such a black and white topic...(and the headache starts...it's not easy being zues)
Just when I'm formulating the perfect response, you make me smile. Just when I'm about to patiently explain that you are well aware everyone is not in favor of throw away marriages, you make me chuckle. Just when I'm about to explain that, not by any stretch of the imagination could anyone say I was a monster, no one could make the case there was lack of intimacy or attention (not even STBX does that), you lighten the mood. Being Zues may not be easy, but it has its benefits.
Thank you Sunny. On your end you've been able to speak your voice quite clearly while still tactfully and gently. Much appreciated.
Had a good weekend. Solo this weekend. I played a team pool tournament. Didn't really want to play, but this team cajoled me into it so I agreed. I don't really like team tournaments in general because 1) they are all handicapped (which NEVER favors me) and 2) it's hard to find a team that doesn't slow me down to some extent. In the past I've played on a team stacked up with players from all over the midwest, and our win rate was pretty good, but the handicaps are killers.
It's the blue ribbon syndrome. The teams that win are those that stack up underrated players together then laugh their ways to the finals. It's so strange. When I grew up there were no handicaps. People played better players to get better. The top players would win tournaments. People would practice to try to take them down. Now the top players all look washed up because they can't win anymore, and the 15 year olds that play well but haven't won anything yet show up with huge handicaps and win tournament after tournament until they gradually move up. Check in on them five years from now and they'll be washed up at the age of 21, and their days of winning will be over as the next wave of underrated players comes in. My quote of the week is this: It used to be that you'd pay your dues for years then win a tournament. Now you win a tournament then pay your dues for years...
That all said, I don't really care. I play because I love the game. I don't need the money from the tournaments, which is good, because you have to be a pro level player to win more than a few hundred here and there. So I just went to hit balls. And you know what? Pool is REALLY GOOD for me. When I play I feel like myself. I enjoy seeing people I've known for years. I enjoy the competition, the challenge. I enjoy the pressure. I enjoy letting everything else fall away as pool is my universe. Most of all, I enjoy what I can do at the table. I play that game in a way that's hard to explain...it's like I've almost got it solved, tables that look impossible to run due to clusters, layout, etc, there's only one possible way, you have to break open balls at the right speeds so they don't tie back up, and put delicate spins on the cue ball to get it to dance through narrow windows, clip off the right side of balls and land on a dime, time and again, and even then you have to make some finesse shots and not miss...and not only do I run that table, I do it again, and again, and again, each one looking like a miracle, but after seeing it enough times I actually realize it's possible to play that way. It's a true treat.
So my team took 3rd place, which I guess is pretty sporty given there were 100+ and I was on a hodge podge team. I played well and helped us get there, but I fumbled at the end for the chance to get further. I don't pretend I'm error free. Not at all. It comes and goes. I just enjoy trying to get there. And when I'm done, while it is a little hard to come crashing back to the world of work, laundry, and dishes, I tend to feel reenergized. In fact, I feel...what is this weird feeling...oh, HAPPY. Wow, I am happy when I am playing pool.
Also, I see guys there who's women are rooting them on, and I realize if the day comes I dip my toe in the water again I would really like that. I would love to be with a woman that would come root me on. At least once in a while. I wouldn't think it would be that bad. Travelling around the country. Staying at different hotels in different cities, going to nice restaurants, then watching your man play champions in big matches, and sharing in some amazing gifts, then going back to the hotel and watching a movie and cuddling up. Yup, that is my dream. I want to share at least a sliver of this with my partner. And I'd hope she would root me on and be supportive of some of what I have to put in to the game to make that magic happen. Trust me, I wouldn't put this ahead of a R, it would just be a piece of it. But that's what I want. Maybe someday. Maybe not. But that's life. You don't always get what you want. Just like pool. You'd better have fun fighting, because you're only going to win once in a while. If you only have fun when you get the outcome you want you'll be a sad, sad person. But if you have fun trying, well, then it's all good. So I can dream of this relationship, and I may give it a swing, but I'll see what God has in store for me and be happy about it.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Ha, I'm glad to help. You know, you really don't have to go to every league night. But it is a pretty big deal. STBX watched me play just twice in ten years. Both times I won the tournament. Both times we hung out in between matches, had dinner, hung with my friends, etc. We had fun. I enjoyed including her in my life. I enjoyed sharing this part of me with her (for me it is very intimate as it is so personal). But it was just twice, of all the times I competed.
It was so strange. Like if I wrote a book that went global, and I was getting interviewed on TV, and making money, and getting mildly famous...I'd kind of like my W to read the book, even if she thought it was boring. But I'd kind of hope that she could find something to like about it. In a way that book is me. Like my pool game is me.
So don't go every week or anything crazy, but I do think it's an important act of service to offer now and again, and to do for him.
PS- it's a lot less boring when you know what's going on and what they're trying to do...especially if you play and know how hard it is and what thoughts, doubts, and decisions they're wrestling with. Have you ever tried getting in to it, not to play, but just to learn a bit? If that has failed, there's one fool proof way to spice it up. Bet a lot of money on the side!!!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Just received an email from my mother. Her partner of 10+ years has been cheating on her for an ongoing period. She has ended the relationship and is now trying to figure out if she should tell the other betrayed partner. She is asking my opinion because she knows I have been living through this and have been posting and reading lots of situations like this. Also I'm not sure who else she can turn to at the moment.
Apparently the OW is 30 years younger than my mom and her former partner, has 3 young children, and this lady's husband is in a high risk industry. My mom's now XBF has been with her living and watching what I've been through with the destruction of my family as a result of my STBX's choices. Yet XBF and this deluded femail are now "in love". My mom is sick with her own pain, and even more sick knowing the destruction that may come to this family, this poor man, and these innocent and unsuspecting people.
What the heck is wrong with people? This crap almost makes me regret bringing children into this world. I hate this so much, and am so sick that it's considered ok by society. Oh, wait, no, cheating isn't ok, but divorce is, especially if there was a reason, let's go with 'emotional abuse' and 'neglect', and since she knew in her heart she was leaving then it wasn't really cheating, and since her H had problems this is all ok. I'm so disgusted this is how it works now. I know, I know, cheating has been around forever. But it's the acceptance and normalization of it that to me is just as disgusting.
My mom is getting to be in her old age, her reality on this planet is now that she may grow old on her own, without anyone there with her, or maybe someone she meets that's in a similar predicament and willing to hold her hand for a while. I know everyone loves their mom but she is truly a beautiful woman inside and out, has never done anything like this to anyone, and I am so upset that she would be treated this way. I am just now realizing that no one might even know anymore how wonderful she is because she's on her own. You really don't know how amazing my mother really is.
I'm all over because I've been breaking up as I type this. My head is pounding. I wish I could do something to stop the pain to someone so special to me but I'm as helpless as all of you are. It's just not right.
OK, I'll wrap up for now. Personally I am of the camp of telling the other party. This isn't from a "DB" philosophy, but she has no interest in R at this time. This isn't about 'how could this impact chances of R' or 'how could I be perceived'. This is "What is the right thing to do". I would want to know if I were that man. Would I tell him? Yes. Because I won't enable this type of horror and help shield these people from the consequence of their choices, or be a part of protecting their trysts so they can cause further damage. Pass on that. So I'm telling my mom my opinion, but also that it's a split camp and that it's really more about what she feels is right. Would she tell someone if she knew their wife had a gambling problem that they were hiding? I look at it the same way. It's not personal. It's not revenge. It's about brotherly love. Zues out. For now.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
This is devastating and a great shock. I am sorry that your mom has to go through this. I am sorry that you have to relive this though someone you love. I do not have any great advice or words, but I do want you to know that there are people out there that share the same beliefs about infidelity that you do. I think it is the ultimate betrayal and I would not do that to my worst enemy, let alone someone I loved.
There is another post about this called "Telling the other mans wife" by Fly man. I agreed with you that the person being cheated on should have the right to know, but I was in the minority.
I just found out this afternoon from my MIL, that my husbands father who died a few years ago had left her and ran around with other women when my husband was young and then came back to her. I had no idea, my husband has no idea. It was shocking for me to learn this about someone I had such respect for. While our news today is not quite the same, I get how bad it feels to come to terms with how few people are trustworthy in life.
Last edited by JulieH; 10/13/1503:18 AM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
