Yeah wow that is pretty similar. Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry to hear you're going through that.
My wife spent three months telling me she wanted to "go back" to how things were before July when things, by all evidence, were good. Not great, still some issues, but didn't think they were as serious as they are now.
I told her we couldn't go back but we could go forward if she went to IC and we went to MC and started doing what we needed to do for our M. After 2 months of IC she said she wanted a D and that those 'good times' she wanted to go back to were all fake as well, as had been the last 10 years.
10 years ago things actually looked brighter because she was still at home and talking to me. Now she is out and doesn't communicate at all.
Makes it easier to not pursue and talk about R, but it's incredibly painful. Days are ok because I have a lot to keep me busy and I did a 180 and GAL many years ago which have become permanent changes. Actually pretty happy in other areas of my life. Things are better than ever.
But now I'm in the house alone. I see my younger boy regularly, older one not as much. They are both busy with work and stuff, but have been dropping by more to 'check on me' since they got the word from my W.
So avoiding contact has been easy but truly detaching is harder sometimes like when I'm settling down for the night. I really miss her because we have always had good conversations, could talk about anything, and we would talk every night for a couple of hours before bed. And she always liked my humor. I could always make her laugh and she has the most beautiful smile and laugh. I feel incredibly lonely in a way I've never felt before. Nights have been almost unbearable. Worse than before when I was in a lot of pain but she was also sleeping next to me every night. And the boys still lived at home. Now they're gone and she's gone and it's very, very difficult at times.
But I remain determined to not let this beat me no matter the outcome. I got through it last time; I will get through this.
