Then we hung up and I had a meltdown. I sent him a long text (i know, another big mistake) telling him that I won't be selfish and stop him from having a better life, and that he can be glad to finally be rid of his "f*cked up wife." I know I shouldn't have done that, and rereading it later, it felt pathetic.
You are right, it was a big mistake. You used that old female manipulation of wanting him to tell you that you're wrong and he won't be glad to finally be rid of his f*ucked up wife. Yes, it was you trying to get him to say what you wanted to hear. You wanted him to assure you. Well, here is a piece of reality. You are not the spouse who gets to be assured. You sc@wed up and you are the one who has to put on her big girl panties now. Stop saying things to him, trying to get him to assure you that he loves you and he'll stay with you.
I don't know a lot about some of the issues you have, but I know women! I know how we operate. So, you have to stop this pathetic behavior with your H. You are simply giving him more reason to want to be glad to get rid of you! Become a woman he would fight the demons of hell to have. You start by using solutions you are given, instead of just giving over to your feelings and then say, "I know, it was wrong....but", or "I know a mistake.....but".
You will have a lot of help from professionals, as well as from the board. You will be wise and get healthy if you cooperate. I am not fusing at you or picking on you, I will be very plain spoken with you. When you are acting pathetic, I'll tell you. When you need someone to understand from a WW's point of view, I'm your gal. I will be honest and I will try to help, but you have to help yourself. I am very pleased to see Lovethehub reply to your thread. She can be extremely helpful, if you will listen to her.
I am truly sorry for your childhood trama and all the bad things you were exposed to as a little girl. It sounds as if you will have several professionals working with you. Please stick with it and do this for yourself, your children, and all those who love you. Taking medication, at this point, should be the least of your worries.
The most common statement I here from newcomers is, "This is so hard!". Yes, it is. In your case, it may be harder than some others. I said I'd be honest, and I will. I believe you can do the necessary work and have a good future with your H. Hard? Most certainly. Possible! Most certainly.
Okay, so take a deep breath, get a hold of yourself, and be determined that you will stop emotionally pressuring your H. Right now, he still cares enough to want you to get healthy, and he has offered to be a friend. That is more than a lot of men would do. Do NOT take advantage of his offer of friendship. Friendship does not mean the same as "husband".
Start with this: 1) Do not initiate any contact with him. Let him contact you. 2). Do not ask him how he feels. It leads to relationship talk and that leads to worse.
Can you do these two things?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
