Newbie here - unsure of what to do

[Klassic]

I enter the intensive out-patient facility on the 18th, which will give me a huge head start on finally working on myself. I'm also doing bi-weekly sessions with my therapist (who is amazing) and will see a psychiatrist on Wednesday to finally try some anti-anxiety meds. I had put off meds for years as I never wanted to be "dependent" on a substance, yet I was an alcoholic at the same time! smh

I didn't get a text from H yesterday (except good morning one) and so finally around 7:00pm (10:00pm his time) I asked how his day was going. We exchanged a few pleasantries, then he said he would call me in 30 min.

Our conversation turned into the usual - how we are feeling that particular day about everything. He told me he felt like there was a war going on inside of him. One side is his mind, wanting to protect him from me, and telling him he'd be a fool to stay. The other is his heart which is telling him to stay because he's still deeply in love with me, and can't imagine living life without me as his wife. Hearing him say that gave me hope and honestly felt so good.

He then said that no matter what he would always be my friend, he would always be there to help me in any way he could, and that when he comes home from his trip he just needs to hold me all night because he misses me and is so sad.

So - that felt like his previous statement about his heart went out the door and that he knows he is going to go through with the divorce. I then made a huge mistake and said, "I think we both know where this is going..."

He agreed, which threw all hope out the window and I just got upset at that and said that I will start to look for places (to rent) so we can get the ball moving. Then we hung up and I had a meltdown. I sent him a long text (i know, another big mistake) telling him that I won't be selfish and stop him from having a better life, and that he can be glad to finally be rid of his "f*cked up wife." I know I shouldn't have done that, and rereading it later, it felt pathetic.

I'm in a very low place right now. Looking online for homes while my girls sleep in my bed with me was too much to handle (he doesn't want them to leave their home, so I will be living by myself).

Update - H just called right now and asked me to please wait on looking for a house, and to take a day off from all this drama. He told me to try to have a positive outlook and not to worry about anything right now. He also told me that he "can't stand the thought of losing" me and that he loves me. I'm afraid to get my hopes up, but it was what I needed to hear.

So I think the key everyone keeps pointing to is work on myself and remain friendly (regardless of how I feel) to H. I've read in other threads about looking good, exercising, etc. Does that apply to my case since I am the cheater and also the one who wants to work it out??? I already exercise 5x/week, but have nearly stopped since IDTB. I haven't been doing my hair/makeup, but not sure if any of that even matters since my case is slightly unique.

Thank you all for your support. Means so much.