So I thought more about my friend who asked me, Given all the lousy stuff she's pulled, why would you want her to come back?

After the first 2 days she left, DB-ing hasn't been much of a problem for me (at least, I don't think so) because once I realized where we were again (odd that it took me a day or so, I guess it freaked me out more than I thought), I got back on here and started doing the LRT stuff. Since she's gone, we don't see each other and don't talk much anyway except when a bill issue comes up, etc.

So I've been thinking about what my friend said and started looking at the things my wife has said and done recently (on the day she left, a few days later when she told me she was divorcing me, and yesterday when she told our oldest son she was ready to file).

- she works full-time at a church as a director of education and music

- she has been holding me at arm's length emotionally for years

- she is constantly on her phone, facebook, etc.

- she drinks far too much

- pursues other men (always married fathers...and usually much older men than her)

- her closest friends are other women who have had affairs, etc. and who seem to justify it because they were unhappy. That is who she is staying with now.

- she lies to my face

- she acts like the tooth fairy for our boys but never tries to gently and firmly tell them no and teach them how to actually solve their problems

- she accuses me of keeping her trapped here and intimidating her even though she has been making independent decisions for the last 10 years about her job, social life, etc. She leaves the house at 8am and returns at 5-6pm most days. A couple days she's later than that. Does what she wants, when she wants. Our money/bank accounts are totally separate and have been for years so she can spend whatever she wants whenever she wants...wherever she wants without me knowing.

- looking back, whenever problems get serious in her life, instead of solving or addressing them...or even acknowledging them...she drinks more heavily, chases other men or encourages them to chase her, etc.

When I look at it like that it's hard for me to want to save the M at this point. On the pro side all I've got is:

- I am not a quitter

- I am always willing to improve and to work on my own or with her to make myself or the situation better and better meet her needs; I see that as part of the marriage vow I made to her

- For better or worse means that even during the worse, which is now, I am committed to being open to reconciliation and work/progress if she chooses to be likewise committed.

- I believe the best choice for us and our boys is to work through this so that our future together (family, holidays, grandchildren, life, emotional support, etc.) is bright and full, simple and good

- she and I have some positives: we previously spent a lot of time talking together about politics, kids' issues, work issues, life, religion, the bible, etc.; we would ask each other advice about work issues that we weren't sure how to address...especially when we recognized that the other was somewhat of an 'expert' at whatever the issue was; we don't have identical interests, but we have enough overlap that we can find activities we're both enthusiastic about, with a few that we don't mind doing and can participate in for the other.

For me, plus our 20 years and 2 boys, that is enough to build on and work with I think...if we are serious and truthful and committed to doing so.

But I'm pretty skeptical at this point that it is probable even though it's certainly possible.