I have been divorced for two months now. To cut a long story short, in the 10 years that we have been together, H and I always had communication issues.
He was a totally different person when we first started dating. He was completely into me and we saw each other every day for almost two years. We saw flashes of each other's tempers and ugly sides but it was only after we were preparing to get married and after we got married, that cr@p started to hit the ceiling fan.
His first angry outburst took place when our child was 1 and started over a seemingly trivial incident. He threw things around the house, screamed at the top of his voice and basically frightened my kid and me. He basically just snapped and went berserk.
The day after his outburst, when he was not in, I quickly packed some belongings and fled to a friend's house with my kid. We had a family conference with both sides of the family, and eventually decided to move back into the house. It was tough the first few months as he was angry at my flight and would blast me every time I cringed when he was near me. Till this day, I never understood why he snapped.
Eventually, I managed to put his first outburst behind me. What I couldn't get over was how emotionally detached he had become. Every inconvenience in life was because of me. He didn't like it when I bothered him with decisions and he also didn't like it when I didn't ask him for his opinions. When I was facing personal crises, I was often left to my own devices. I had to deal with a lot of things on my own and I always felt like a single parent.
Ours became a SSM. I was bitter that he only seemed to be interested in my body and had less and less desire to be physical with him. The meds I was taking to help me sleep through the night did not help with my libido.
I went through a sort of MLC in my early thirties when I saw that I was trapped in a very unhappy marriage. I never had an affair, physical or emotional; I just started feeling very unfulfilled and disappointed by how my life had turned out. And I guess the action in the bedroom just totally dried up.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks, Cadet. I have been lurking on this board for the past 2 months, wishing that I had come to this forum instead of another forum.
I have been a very good pupil and have read read DR, SSM, How to get through to the man you love and many other M books.The prob/irony is that I only got to read these books and this forum after the divorce.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks for the advice. Not much of a problem keeping the books and sites to myself as we've lived separately for the past 6 months and have been divorced for 2.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Ours became a SSM. I was bitter that he only seemed to be interested in my body and had less and less desire to be physical with him. The meds I was taking to help me sleep through the night did not help with my libido.
I went through a sort of MLC in my early thirties when I saw that I was trapped in a very unhappy marriage. I never had an affair, physical or emotional; I just started feeling very unfulfilled and disappointed by how my life had turned out. And I guess the action in the bedroom just totally dried up.
This is likely very typical of a man. A sexual pursurer and emotional distancer.
Hi Tlf2, Yes, I regret the divorce. I started having second thoughts 1 week after filing. I asked if he would consider separation instead to work on the marriage and he flat out refused.
When I got to see my C later and told her what happened, she explained that from his perspective, I was still looking for a way out of the marriage.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
