Thank you job, Sotto, Bttrfly and Mleigh, as always your support and words are very much appreciated.

I will catch up on everyone’s sitches over the next day or so, but hope everyone is having a lovely weekend.

So - how my weekend went !!

I met up with s21 on Thursday, we went for lunch and then went bowling, it was hilarious. Friday we went up the mountains to look at the view across the city. We went to the beach for a paddle in the sea. H text and asked me what I had planned for that evening, s21 was going hunting so I replied nothing planned and did he want to meet for dinner or a drink. H replied yes and that he would pick me up after work, go back to his house so I can see our dogs and then we can decide about dinner.

Thankfully I had time for a shower and change as I had not planned to see him until Saturday. I decided on a long summer dress that showed the “girls” off grin oddly I did not feel nervous. H arrived, he got out of his car and said Hi, cheesy grin, gave me a kiss and hugged me so tight saying “great to see you”. We went back to his place (nice house) and took the dogs for a walk. Lots of chatting and laughing, kept it light, catching up about the boys and life in general. We then got pizza and chatted until late, then he took me back to my motel. It was really difficult to read him, I was unsure of how he felt seeing me again or if he felt what he thought he feels for me, half of me waiting for the “I have made a mistake” speech again. We got to the motel, he got out and hugged me and then kissed me ….I mean really kissed me ….more hugs and he whispered “I am really looking forward to tomorrow”. Phew, ok, that was a bit better signal from him! As for me – it was ok, a bit weird kissing him, it felt comfortable but something was not quite right – not bad, but can’t quite put my finger on it.

Saturday we met up early and went for a drive across the mountains and had lunch in a café by a big lake and we went for a walk. When we got back h had a headache and wanted a snooze to get rid of it. Cheekily I lay down next to him, he smiled and fell asleep, at one point my hand was next to his and he held it. We both ended up having a power nap lol. We took the dogs for a walk and he held my hand, now that felt fine, natural. Then we went to the supermarket – ex ow rang him – I did not react, he spoke in front of me, it was about a bill he had forgotten to pay, there was no sentiment, he was matter of fact and kept it short and blunt, he told me what it was about straight away. I said nothing, just smiled. After shopping we went back to his house, had dinner and then watched a movie. We had a couple of short kisses during the day, but once again he gave nothing away. He took me back to the motel and I invited him in, which he did. He looked around and we chatted and then he hugged me and we kissed again, he stopped it, said goodnight and left.

Sunday morning he picked me up from the motel (kiss good morning) and we took the dogs for a long walk around some pretty bays, we then took them to the dog wash as they were really muddy, it was great fun and we had a good laugh. Once again we held hands on the walk and it was nice. We then went for lunch in a café and then off to get him some bits for the house.We went bowling and played some arcade games and had a really fun time, laughing and joking - its a side he has not seen of me for a long time.

On the way to the airport I asked him (I know I shouldn’t have, but it was not really r talk) where did he see this going from here. He was surprised at the question and said that he hoped it was the start of rebuilding us, he asked how I felt the weekend had gone for me. I replied that I had felt a little strange at times but I expected that, I was happy with how it has gone but was a bit worried about how he felt about it all as he had not given me many clues. H confessed that he does feel physical attraction for me and everything he has been feeling over the past few months has been confirmed to him this weekend, but he is having a problem with the physical itself and he did not expect this and he wants to talk to his c about it to resolve it. He described it as: the thoughts of what he wants to do ie: kiss, touch and ML are there, but when he kissed me that first night he was overcome with guilt feelings; the one person he never wished to hurt ever he has caused intense pain to. He said it felt like he had no right to be kissing me or wanting anything from me. The holding my hand was ok, he felt comfortable with that, it was just the kissing bit. He said he wanted to take things further all weekend, but then these feelings wash over him.

Obviously this is something I cannot help him with. He said I have not caused this and that I have never laid any guilt upon him, it’s all self -imposed and he is confident that talking it through with his c will sort the issue.

In the meantime, he has asked me to go back in November for longer and to stay with him. We have planned a few things we want to do, one is to go to the hot pools. We did not talk any further than November, but we have established that we both want to try and make this work. He needs to have space and time to continue to work through everything, he also needs to GAL on his own, which he is beginning to do now. I need to have my space to process my own feelings on it all and keep moving forwards with my own GAL.

He complimented my dress and mentioned he feels I am too skinny now and need to look after myself better!!– I grabbed my belly and said “look there is a lot more on me than you think” to which he replied “that is not fat, that is your baby belly, it’s part of you so be proud of it”. He engaged in conversation, asked questions and listened. He talked a lot more than he used to and we laughed and were relaxed in each other’s company, I just hope the physical issue will get resolved at some point – for both of us.

So as for how do I feel and how am I doing. Well, there were a few weird moments and I had to stop myself from allowing my head to run away with the odd ow thought, a few triggers (a picture she bought him on his wall, a few references to places they went – he always said “I “ went here, but I know it was really a “we” went here) but I managed to let them go. The physical – not loving the beard, but accept he does so it’s staying. The “wham” of attraction was not there, it was more a gentle familiar, it does slightly worry me that I did not get the "Phwoar" but have put that down to having my guard up ready for the rejection. I have come home calm, happy to be home and in my own bed but also looking forward to seeing him next month and talking to him over the next few weeks. I have no idea how this is going to work, we live so far away from each other now. We just have to allow things to unfold and see where this new path takes us. One thing he did request is that I contact him more as he feels he is doing all the initiating and does not understand why – can I break nc now?

So that is it, my weekend. All in all, it went as well as it could have. I forgot at times that we have not seen each other for a year! I am trying hard to focus on the here and now, not the past and not the future. Chapter 5 is lurking around the corner and its promising to be a hot chapter !!

Having lunch with a g/friend tomorrow and then vacation is over and back to reality on Tuesday.