Photoka's new thread (this one spelled correctly.)

[lovethehub]

Photoka,

It sounds like you do what a lot of us do (or have done)..get a positive reaction on something from our spouse and think about it differently than they do. Or, even if you think about it the same, they get scared and back away again. Do not let it get to you. It probably doesn't mean anything, it is just him trying to sort this all out.

I had an A about 8 years ago and it took several years for me to truly let go. We weren't in touch that long but I didn't want to give up what I felt for him because I was afraid my M would go back to the way it was. As frustrating as it is that your H might be in contact with her on social media, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to reconcile. I never wanted a divorce, even when I was having the A. I just couldn't take the way things were anymore and I was rebuffed at every turn. When my H found out about it and wanted to reconcile, I was SO MAD. I couldn't believe he wanted to fix things when I was "finally happy". I thought I had tried everything to make things work before that ..but I didn't try the 5 Love Languages and my H was feeling unloved so he didn't want to try which led me to give up hope, etc. My point is that even if he really wants your M to work, he may be afraid to give up OW because he may think what I did, which was "what if I let this chance at happiness go and my M goes back to the way it was?" The dilemma is very real and, usually in the A, they haven't experienced any negatives or real life issues so that makes it even harder.

You want to keep on detaching. Be friendly, show some interest in his work, but make you own plans (I know you are through what you said about GAL), not plans with him unless they are really necessary (for the kids, etc). I was the one who didn't come back to the M right away but once my H was finally fed up with my BS and I KNEW he was gone, I found DB/DR and started to do what I needed to. Before that, he was too available to me. He would get upset about how things were and withdraw but within a week or two or three, we would be talking again and acting 'normal'. As soon as we were, I was out again. When he finally got tired of this, I realized I was actually losing him for good and I knew I had to do what I could to fix it because I didn't want to. It took me realizing I was really going to lose him to figure it all out. Even after the A and all we had been through, it was years before I really felt he was done and was leaving. Prior to that, I didn't feel it so I had no incentive to change. If you are right there, ready to get back in, he isn't going to feel that loss and it may keep him away longer. I'm sure it isn't this way for everyone but it was for me and it was for several other people I know.

My H and I reconciled and we are still together. It isn't alway great but it is definitely better than it was. I believe he is over the A, or is over it as much as you can get over it, and he isn't brought it up in years. There is always hope!