Finally asking for help: 2

[Solo15]

Avanti
Message received. I'm never going to stop DBing. It can't stop. I will consider posting in that forum, though I'm not sure things are there yet. Thanks!

Vanilla
Thanks so much for all your help over the last few weeks. It has really made some big changes for me. Much of what you said took a lot of introspection to fully grasp, but once the gears got turning the changes took effect.

mutatio
Thank you for keeping up with me. You have been a real help to me through this and I look forward to your situation improving.

So as a general update I'll try and make it brief, though it's complicated.

So last weekend, my W invited me over to hang out with her and the kids. She was texting and calling me a ton trying to convince me. I got a vibe. I went over. What happened that night was something incredible. The wall came down. She basically cracked. She begged me to forgive her, she owned what she had done in the past to break our relationship. She said that she loves me, that she has intense feelings for me, and that I am the most amazing person she has ever known. She said that her and OM are over. Some of what prompted all this was that lets just say that he gave her a terrible gift. One she gets to keep her whole life. It's a big complication. One that could easily affect me too if I'm not careful. She had been holding that in since it happened, was dealing with huge shame. Did not think I could handle it or would want her again because of it. What she didn't know is the depth of my love for her. She didn't know how strong I am. I was awesome and hit every note of compassion, acceptance, forgiveness, strength, and mercy. We were passionately physical, though we didn't ML. I can't handle that on a number of levels. I'll get to that more in a bit.

The following day we went out for breakfast just her and I. Had a nice time. What followed was a 3 hour long talk about our R. She basically said that she hadn't forgiven me before because it was her way of refusing to own her contribution to all our problems. She knows how much she's put me through. She said that she didn't want to be in a relationship yet. That she was 80% sure that she never would want that with anyone again. She said she was enjoying being single, not so she could be with other people but because she enjoys the freedom she has now, and feels that she is too broken of a person to be good for someone else. She told me that she didn't want me to suffer, knows everything she's put me through, and that while the idea of me being with someone else would break her, she new it was a lot to ask for me to wait. She said that if she followed her heart she would just jump right back into a R with me, but her head was telling her not to. That she needed time to understand her life. To see if I really loved her.

I told her that I understood where she was. That I'm not really ready to jump back in either. She said that she will continue to try and seduce me, that she's immensely attracted to me. Apologized for it ahead of time. Said lots of really sweet things to me, many of them really rebuilt my ego. She said she still has feelings for OM, and wants to remain friends. She told me that she would tell me in words if she wanted to get back together with me. I told her that I didn't really want to be with someone else. That I would wait for her because she is who I want to be with, and I'm not in a hurry to fill that part of my life with someone else. That I'm just going to keep working to be the best man I can be.

So now my feelings. I was upset by some of this for obvious reasons, but it was the most purely truthful and clear conversation we have ever had about where things stand, and about what happened in the past. We kissed and held hands throughout this whole conversation. It was healing for me. I didn't fully realize that the weight that was dragging me down through all of this was the feeling that I was totally responsible for everything(at least in her mind), and that she had lost her feelings for me. I can really see and understand where she is, and I accept that. She has been honest and forth write with herself and me. The coldness is gone. The crazy is gone. The anger towards me, the lack of loving kindness. Gone. The physical barrier. Gone. The wall is down. Everything is a broken mess, but our bond is still there. The color of our life is different. It can never be the same. That life is gone. I am strong enough to accept a new life, whatever that looks like. Now I am free to build it into something great.

Through the following week, she has maintained that frame. I have seen her several times, things have even remained physical. Sweetly so. We have kissed and touched more passionately and with more intimacy than I think ever. I made this choice that I am ok with going after her a bit. That in some ways she never felt like I pursued her physically or romantically. So now that I don't have anything to lose, I'm just going for it. And she's not pushing me away. In fact, she's trying to get me into bed. To stay the night. Even without ML. She just wants me there. I held her on the couch and we watched a movie last night. She's just being really sweet. So I'm kinda splitting the difference. I'm keeping it playful and flirty, but not heavy or needy. Almost teasing her a little. It's not on purpose either, but all this self development has given me some mojo and it's cool to have that confidence. In some ways I'm showing her how it could be. How I've changed. Keeping it chill, a little aloof, and being honest in my attraction to her.

Emotionally, I'm pretty detached. All of the physical stuff triggers potent images of her with OM. She feels different in my hands. Like a stranger in some ways. I mean physically. Like my emotional response to her is weird. I had so much momentum built up to drop her, that I was like a freight train running off a cliff. My love for her is huge, but I'm finding my attraction for her to be very complicated. Gone is the pure little girl I once knew. The person I shared my life with. Gone is the trust, the fidelity. That special bond between two people that had only been together. That's kind of it I think. Sometimes I feel like because there was someone else, still is in some ways, I just can't find that closeness that was there. At least in my heart. Plus it has been a really long time since I touched her that way. Since she touched me that way, with more than just lust. It all feels both good and empty at the same time. Like I have huge feelings of love for her, and while I am physically attracted to her, romantically I'm kind of short on feelings. It's different than I thought I would feel. I think that we believe that we can go back to what we had, so we imagine it will be like that. But then when it happens, we are too different. There is something new and terrible in the mix and it just can never be like it was. But it can be something new. So that's what I'm focusing on. It's almost like she finally grew up, but it took this monster wave of self destruction to push her into it. In the end, we finally made up. We had the talk I've been dieing for for so long. I'm finally vindicated, and she knows how much I love her.

So as it stands, my head is clear. For the first time in 2 years, I don't think about her every moment. I'm not obsessed and I'm somehow mature enough to accept my situation for what it is. There is big hope, but also freedom from the years of abuse and unhappiness that I've been mired in. I'm detached from the outcome because I now value my self and look forward to the future.

I had a girl ask me out on a date this week. I declined, but I find it interesting that as soon as I get my confidence back...