I'm 48, my W 40. M 20 years. Initially posted in separated but was too long-winded so I'm hoping someone here can provide some clear thinking because mine is very muddy all of a sudden. My W just announced she wants a divorce and has called a family meeting for tomorrow with our boys (19 and 23) where she intends to tell them what she just told me.
I've been here before, several years ago, I ended up DB-ing pretty good, the divorce was averted, and things eventually did improve. This past July was our 20 year anniversary and I splurged on an expensive vacation to celebrate the number but, more importantly, celebrate the new quality of our life together over the past few years.
While on the trip, we had some incidents and fights. She was drinking very heavily and passed out in public, and I also discovered sexual text messages between her and a married, male co-worker (and husband of a friend of hers). The trip was cut short and things were very tense in July/Aug/Sept. Last week she needed space, announced she was moving out, and was gone to a female friend's house within the hour. She came back to talk today to tell me she's divorcing me.
Last time I was here (9 years ago), she was open to MC and to a lot of things. This time she is not flexible or open to anything. She hasn't gotten a lawyer yet but only because the one she talked to several years ago is no longer around.
It seems I need LRT but all of a sudden I'm not thinking very clearly even though I thought I was resigned to this and didn't care anymore. When she actually asked for the divorce, I realized I DO care and don't want the D.
She said she is going to tell the boys that "we" haven't been happy for a very long time and "we" don't believe there is any choice but to go our separate ways...that if it were possible to make this marriage work we would have done it by now.
I see things completely differently. Things had greatly improved (though still weren't perfect) and she even acknowledged that I had definitely changed for the better and grown over the past few years, and that our marriage was better for it.
I don't know what to do when she tells the boys it's over and can't be fixed, no option but divorce. Only 3 responses come to mind:
1) Do I agree even though I don't believe it at all (very unlike me to do that)?
2) Do I respectfully contradict her and say something like, "While I understand what mom is saying, and will abide by her decision, I don't agree with it."
3) Do I say nothing at all and just affirm my presence and love for the boys and the family in general?
And what the hell do I say if they ask me if I want a divorce (one of them probably will, knowing him). Should I respond differently if she is in the room versus one of them asking me when we're alone?
Regarding what to tell boys, Michelle wiener Davis has some advice offered on you tube. She words it nicer, but the basic message was to be honest that you do not want to give up, and that is showing the kids that at least 1 parent is willing to put hard work into a commitment they made. Not sure what to do when it's younger kids though.
Last edited by JulieH; 10/10/1511:34 AM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
They're 19 and 23 so certainly old enough for the conversation in that way I think. They both already know that my W was the one who left of her own free will. Just the way it shaked out.
After sleeping on it I'm thinking about, "Mom and I disagree about how best to continue our relationship and deal with the problems that exist between she and I, and while I don't necessarily support her decision to divorce, I do support her as an individual and intent to accept and respect her decision."
I'm trying to be both accurate, honest, and positive towards her in some way. Does that come across as too "I'm the good guy and she's not"?
It's going ok. I've been her before so am rereading DR and really had already GAL and done the 180 in the past. The main things I'm focusing on now is LRT because I think it's very likely we will be D by the end of the year, though I certainly want to do what I can to change that even if all I end up doing is satisfying myself that I did everything I could do.
But she seems definitely set on getting this done asap.
So there's very little communication. She has already sent me text messages where she's telling me about what not to leave laying around the house (paperwork related to the counseling I proposed a few weeks ago, my 'issues inventory', etc.) that the boys might see when they are over. I have responded with, "Thanks, I won't be sharing info with them they don't need or that might hurt them or you." If that continues from her side I'm thinking about just responding with 'OK' or perhaps not at all?
Other than that, I've got plenty of work and a few home projects I'm in the middle of so I'm just concentrating on them. Have a few outside interests/hobbies that I already put on hold for work, but work will keep me busy through this and give me plenty to focus my attention on.
What stinks is being back on the emotional rollercoaster. I've accepted the inevitability of this divorce in a way because she has had many years to respond more positively herself to the positive changes in me...and she has...but not to the degree she wants to stay.
My thinking is simply, "The best choice here is for us to commit to working through this in MC and perhaps IC. That's what I want. If she chooses differently I need to move on but be open to her if by some astronomical chance she has a change of heart."
It still hurts a lot, but I'm keeping it away from her and the boys.
I also did sign up for one DB phone coaching session which I plan on setting up on Monday.
I have responded with, "Thanks, I won't be sharing info with them they don't need or that might hurt them or you." If that continues from her side I'm thinking about just responding with 'OK' or perhaps not at all?
She does not intend being honest with them. So, are you going to lie to them in order to cover up her affair? How do you think your sons will feel about how their dad just gave up. They deserve the truth.
Why not just tell them that the whole story is not being told? She is in an affair, and you are going to sit there and let your two grown sons buy her B.S.?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Whatever is going on with her co-worker, I have no proof of whether it's physical or not. I don't think it is and based on what I've seen they have broken off contact. In fact, I personally had a chat with the guy and he seems to have shut it down because he has a lot to lose. Of course, there is no way for me to know that for sure...and it doesn't really matter at this point.
while I have no intention of lying to the boys about my preference to keep working things out if she were willing, she is going to tell the boys that she's unhappy with me, that our problems can't be worked out, and that she's through. All of that is true from her perspective. The EA is a symptom; it's not the problem, and she's unwilling to solve the actual problem.
I don't see how my telling the boys about the recent EA which may not even be occurring now helps anyone.
First of all, she is going to make it sound as if she's the victim and that this is all your fault. She wants you to cover for her. She wants no papers about counseling, or whatever laying out for the boys to see, b/c she wants then to believe the two of you are in agreement about the D.
Yes, an EA is an extension of the problems that existed. But it was an affair, and if they work together, I highly doubt it is over for her, b/c of the addictive nature of affairs. You cannot expect the OM to be honorable, if he was dishonorable enough to be involved with a M woman. Maybe it wasn't a PA. But for women, an EA is just as serious.
You don't have to tell the boys their mother cheated. But they need to know there is more to the story than their mother is saying. I won't push you about it. It's your choice.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with you. I have no intention of giving the impression that I'm in agreement with her. So far she has not made herself look like a victim in regards to me. She seems to be following the recommendations of her IC and has basically said, "I'm unhappy so I've left. I don't think our problems can be solved. It's not Dad, it's me."
She has been serially unfaithful over the years in one way or another (PAs, EAs). Her PA that I know about involved her lying to all of us for years about going grocery shopping, running errands, etc.... which all involved her leaving me and the kids at home so she could meet OM; sending the kids to grandparents while I was away on business so she could meet OM; etc.
She knows she can't throw me under the bus (for relatively minor personality conflicts and behavioral, typical relationship issues...minor league compared to her lying and infidelity) without throwing herself under a bulldozer if I choose to reveal her dirty laundry in an effort to defend myself.
