Mustardseed Sprouting

[mustardseed]

Thanks for the sound advice G. Part of me is tempted to have a chat with him. I am still searching for confirmation that I am not crazy. And I do want to do know details. I know everyone says it's better not to know, but not for me. I need holes filled. I like the complete story. I have to understand why, and without all of the information I am just left wondering. This is the part that I know I am supposed to let go, but it is so hard for me. And I'm not ashamed to talk about it. I'm more ashamed to talk about my job loss. That get's my anxiety going--and I put that behind me already so I don't like it brought up anymore. But the marital situation situation, I want to talk about it--almost obsessively, because I want to get to the point where it all finally makes sense and I can move on.

It really is so hard to put it all behind me when it is in my face all of the time. H is so frustrating, and he is hiding behind the kids. The kids' therapist sent an email to us today saying how we need to be careful of letting our emotions show through in front of them. He is stoic--intimidating at times, but stoic. So that was totally directed at me. And I try, but it is harder for me because I'm not a robot like him. And he is purposefully trying to frustrate me, then hiding behind the kids so that he never has to deal with anything. He does whatever he pleases--like refusing to bring the dog to me. And if I say anything about it then that is me causing a scene in front of the kids. And then I get defensive and that is when the emotions start to show--not obvious emotions, but slight changes in pitch in my voice. Maybe a waver in my voice as the tears start to build--And I'm sure a cloud of defeat as I am once again cut off from expressing myself. The frustration and the intimidation are the two aspects that I have difficulty hiding. S is a very sensitive and empathetic kid and picks up on all the subtleties.

If I text or email him about it, he ignores or drops hints that I am violating the order or harassing him. So the all I know how to do is to cower and cave and let him run the show. Because God forbid I challenge anything he does. I really have no idea how to set boundaries. And I feel like every time I try to be assertive and strong, he finds a way to cut it off. Maybe I need to ask the therapist what she means by what she wrote. Because I read it as I have to always be OK with everything he does for the sake of the kids, and that just seems so wrong. Shouldn't they start seeing me standing up? What if he starts doing this to them? Shouldn't they start to learn that they don't have to take it?

I am going to have to bring this up to my therapist as well, because I am so confused now.