I'm 48, my W 40. M 20 years. Initially posted in separated but was too long-winded so I'm hoping someone here can provide some clear thinking because mine is very muddy all of a sudden. My W just announced she wants a divorce and has called a family meeting for tomorrow with our boys (19 and 23) where she intends to tell them what she just told me.
I've been here before, several years ago, I ended up DB-ing pretty good, the divorce was averted, and things eventually did improve. This past July was our 20 year anniversary and I splurged on an expensive vacation to celebrate the number but, more importantly, celebrate the new quality of our life together over the past few years.
While on the trip, we had some incidents and fights. She was drinking very heavily and passed out in public, and I also discovered sexual text messages between her and a married, male co-worker (and husband of a friend of hers). The trip was cut short and things were very tense in July/Aug/Sept. Last week she needed space, announced she was moving out, and was gone to a female friend's house within the hour. She came back to talk today to tell me she's divorcing me.
Last time I was here (9 years ago), she was open to MC and to a lot of things. This time she is not flexible or open to anything. She hasn't gotten a lawyer yet but only because the one she talked to several years ago is no longer around.
It seems I need LRT but all of a sudden I'm not thinking very clearly even though I thought I was resigned to this and didn't care anymore. When she actually asked for the divorce, I realized I DO care and don't want the D.
She said she is going to tell the boys that "we" haven't been happy for a very long time and "we" don't believe there is any choice but to go our separate ways...that if it were possible to make this marriage work we would have done it by now.
I see things completely differently. Things had greatly improved (though still weren't perfect) and she even acknowledged that I had definitely changed for the better and grown over the past few years, and that our marriage was better for it.
I don't know what to do when she tells the boys it's over and can't be fixed, no option but divorce. Only 3 responses come to mind:
1) Do I agree even though I don't believe it at all (very unlike me to do that)?
2) Do I respectfully contradict her and say something like, "While I understand what mom is saying, and will abide by her decision, I don't agree with it."
3) Do I say nothing at all and just affirm my presence and love for the boys and the family in general?
And what the hell do I say if they ask me if I want a divorce (one of them probably will, knowing him). Should I respond differently if she is in the room versus one of them asking me when we're alone?
