hold on!! - 12

[u-turn]

Thanks Jelly, I haven't been around much lately either but wanted to say how much I appreciate your thoughts and wishes. I surely hope that all is well with you.

I have taken a short break from here as I try to distance myself from my mess. I thought it would help me forget, but it is not really working for me.

situation update since the last time I posted:

WW & I met at my lawyer's office to sign the initial dissolution papers rather than going to court for the initial hearing. We are going to complete the D process in his office (if all goes well) There is no argument, she is leaving with nothing, I will have the house, she will get one of the cars, 50/50 custody, no child support. She cried in the L's office. She showed up very late for this meeting and left early. L said he didn't expect to see that level of emotion - I didn't either.

We are currently doing our financial summaries separately and completing our co-parenting required classes.

WW is still living in the basement of "our" house while she spends time making her new place perfect. She shows up to eat dinner that I have made for the kids and myself, and then she leaves, but comes back to sleep.

She attempts to be buddies with me, but it is still hard for me to do this. I am still having a hard time letting go of my resentment - though I have been cautioned about this from so many here (thank you all).

Still daily I allow my mind to be filled with this resentment and pain (it is not disabling me, but it troubles me that I still think of it).

for instance, I ran across a receipt for an hourly hotel from W that was from early May, I suspected this encounter, I knew that it more than likely happened, but this proved that she was still on her back for him then. This doesn't change anything, but it reminds me of all of the lies to me, kids and everyone else and the level of deceit and betrayal. and makes me think of how much of our family's money she spent on this. This all twists me.

I had put the separation of finances in place two weeks after this may encounter and at that point accused me of being the most deceitful person she knew, followed by her first death threat to me.

I know this is a lot of blah, blah, blah and none of it really matters any more, but it still sits in my head. I have spoken to my IC about this, and she says it is a normal grieving process to revisit these things when dealing with such a loss. (I hope it is that simple).

But yet I help her because she is the mother of my kids and W of 21 years. (I still wear my ring and have decided that I will until I am not married - yes I am the one ending my marriage, but marriage still means so much to me - I talked to IC about this too - I was a man who loved being married, loved W, being a family man, and living a "normal" life with a "normal" family)

I did pick up a washer and dryer for her house and install them (she asked me for help with this), I did hook up her other new appliances, I did some electrical work in D15's new bedroom. This all twisted me a lot. I didn't want to see her new place, or go in it, but I was helpful as usual. I broke down once and had to leave. It was really hard to see into her new life.

I actually apologized to her about leaving and told her that it was hard for me. She asked if I believed it was hard for her too. and told me that "on the day you told me you filed for divorce, I was going to talk to you about our relationship".

This hurt me.
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I have been very busy with teaching and my business and trying to cover all of the bills. My financial cushion is gone, and I am living paycheck to paycheck, but I am making it work. I hope at some point I will figure out a way to actually get ahead.

I do not know what will come out of the comparison of financial discovery reports. I know what I am reporting, but I am suspecting that W now makes more than I realized and if she is honest with this, maybe there will be some child support coming my way.

As I see it now, I am covering about 85% of the kids costs with a salary that is less than WW's. I can manage, but....

I am waiting for WW to leave, I think I will finally be able to heal and move forward. I will be able to return this house to a place that the kids can be proud of. I can hopefully update the kids rooms as they want them (I have allowed myself to be in limbo with this for two years now because I wasn't even sure we were staying here). I am going to focus on S18's room first because WW didn't get a place that would allow him to stay with her. She only rented a two bedroom duplex and has set up the small bedroom for D15.

WW texted me last week that she is trying to finish her place so she can move as soon as possible to give me peace.

She keeps texting me to try to engage me in conversation. She was in another car accident last week and wanted to gripe to me about the guy that hit her. She wants to gripe to me about S21. These type of things we would always talk about and work out together in our marriage, but now I feel like it's all just a manipulating way of keeping me on the line.

D15 is doing pretty well, she seems fairly happy most of the time, though she acts unusually animated when W & I are together with her - I suspect that she is trying to make us happy.

S18 is struggling through his last year of high school and preparing to enter the trades as soon as he graduates. He bought a truck (with some help from his grandpa) over the weekend.

My MIL texted me that she had heard about what was happening and that she thinks that I have been a great SIL, husband to her daughter and especially a great father. I thanked her, but also told her that I feel like I should apologize for things not ending up the way they were expected to. She responded that I owe them no apology and that their daughter is the disappointment. (this did not feel good to me)

WW was very angry that our story was out and everyone knows. She berated S18 for talking to his grandparents about this. I stopped her and told her it was not right to be angry with him for talking to his family. She calmed down.

I will try to post more often - it does feel good to share.
I will try to catch up with everyone here again, but there are so many new names - I am sorry you are all here.

PEACE