I'm not sure how to quote, so I will answer your questions in this space.
I have had one other EA, emotional only, on and off for about six years. That was the father of my son. My husband knows about it. There were three times during the course of our marriage where I got drunk and kissed a random man. Sick, I know, but I'm hoping to deal with my addiction finally, as well.
This last affair was the first "real deal" affair I've had. Lasted two months, and totally crossed every line I never should have crossed. I have cut off all contact with him, even deleting my social media accounts so he can't reach me.
I am still at home, sleeping in the same bed as H. H is nearly perfect, no violence, always trying to help "fix" me and my problems. I have no complaints, so I know my affairs make no sense....they don't even to me. I don't believe anything was missing from my marriage - I do think my range of issues are to blame - everything from my OCD to depression to alcoholism. My therapist is helping me make sense of this ridiculous cycle of sabotage I am in, but I'm afraid this is just too much for him to handle.
After years of trying to help me become healthy, I turned from and betrayed him again. I see it for what it is, yet I also know there's deeper stuff going on from traumas that I haven't had the courage to deal with in the past. (i'm not excusing my behavior, just trying to make all the pieces fit so I can make sense of it all)
So my questions are - -Do I let him go and focus on the work to make myself healthy and clean? -Do I let him know how much I will work on myself to stop my destructive behaviors but still ask him to try to work it out with me during the process? -Do I let him know it's all up to him?
I don't want to be insensitive to his needs, but I do love him and don't want him to leave. I know he has every right to leave, and I wouldn't blame him if he did, but I feel like if I can work through the issues I can be the kind of person and wife he'd be proud to have. I am utterly lost.
