I feel like I'm in the middle of a nightmare - and it's one that I've created.
I am the cheater. I've been married for twelve years, together for thirteen. For the past two months I've had a full-on affair with an old classmate. Prior to that, I had an on-again off-again emotional affair with the father of my eldest son, but that's been completely over for three years. So needless to say, my husband has been through a lot with me.
We started therapy last week, and my husband has come to the conclusion that he wants a divorce. He says he can't stand the pain anymore and just does not feel safe with me.
I had a total breakdown after being faced with the reality of my actions. I felt like I was living in a fog before, unsure of what I wanted, sometimes even feeling like I was two different people. My therapist recommended I do an in-patient or intense out-patient treatment, due to traumas/addictions that I've never fully dealt with that probably fueled my actions (affairs). I start October 18th with that.
During our last session, I was such a mess that my husband agreed to slow down the process, but now that a few days have gone by, I feel that the only reason he did that was so that I could be relatively healthy for our four children and not the emotional wreck I was becoming after the divorce talk. (He had to leave on a 5-day business trip and I'm obviously the sole caretaker)
I have intense anxiety and OCD, so I know these are coming into play here, and I may be obsessing/worrying about a future that I know nothing about.
He is extremely hurt/angry/etc., but still says he loves me. I feel unsure of how to act around him, what the right thing to do/say is. Any help is appreciated. I know I am the cheater, but I do want to save my marriage and am willing to work on myself so I can be a wife he can trust again.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Klassic, I am so sorry for the hurt you and your H are experiencing. The ones who are the "cheaters" are rare on the board, but you will still get a lot of support here. These folks are great! You can learn a lot from the other men who have been in the same boat as your H.
FWIW, I was a cheater, too. This board actually helped me get my head on straight and I stayed with my H. That was back in 2007. I hung around to hopefully help others. So, there is hope for you and your M.
You are very scared right now. Your H is extremely hurt. When men are betrayed, it hits their male ego harder than just about anything in life. Actually, your H is doing pretty close to what I try to get the LBH's here to see. If you were not scared of losing him, and he treated you like an entitled princess, I doubt you would be feeling what you are right now. It's the loss that gets our attention.
I encourage you to take care of your own mental and physical health. I am sure you will have plenty to tell us later. I don't think anyone here will judge you. We all learn from each other. Try not to be clingy and smother your H. He needs some space and time in his man cave to sort things out in his head/heart, without you pressuring him. If he asks questions, answer them as honestly as you can. Do not ever lie to him, b/c it will be the undoing of the string that's holding this M together.
Have you been in other affairs in the past? Did your current H know about the EA with your XH?
Was the classmate a one time thing? Are you still in contact with him?
Quote:
He says he can't stand the pain anymore and just does not feel safe with me.
Hummm....that almost sounds like an answer that would have been suggested from the board. Well, you never know. He may be around here looking for answers, too.
These may be difficult to questions to answer, but we need to know some history.
Are you staying in the home, presently? Is your H being nice to you? Has he ever been violent?
What emotional needs have you felt were not being met by your H? You turned to other men. Why? What was lacking in your MR?
Please post often. The more you post, the more replies you will likely receive. This will take more time than you ever thought. It's slow, painful, and worth the work.
((Klassic)) Work on yourself before you try to fix the MR.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am extremely willing to put the work in. Unfortunately there are a host of issues mainly dealing with my mental health that I am afraid it may all be too much for him to continue.
I look forward to any responses, feedback is appreciated.
I agree with this. Start from there to learn all the steps.
You may be interested to watch the TED talk by Esther Perel on infidelity. As an LBH, I found it very interesting, but I think it may help you to see the other side as well.
Welcome, Klassic! Im sorry youre here, but now that you are, you can make the most of it.
I'm not sure how to quote, so I will answer your questions in this space.
I have had one other EA, emotional only, on and off for about six years. That was the father of my son. My husband knows about it. There were three times during the course of our marriage where I got drunk and kissed a random man. Sick, I know, but I'm hoping to deal with my addiction finally, as well.
This last affair was the first "real deal" affair I've had. Lasted two months, and totally crossed every line I never should have crossed. I have cut off all contact with him, even deleting my social media accounts so he can't reach me.
I am still at home, sleeping in the same bed as H. H is nearly perfect, no violence, always trying to help "fix" me and my problems. I have no complaints, so I know my affairs make no sense....they don't even to me. I don't believe anything was missing from my marriage - I do think my range of issues are to blame - everything from my OCD to depression to alcoholism. My therapist is helping me make sense of this ridiculous cycle of sabotage I am in, but I'm afraid this is just too much for him to handle.
After years of trying to help me become healthy, I turned from and betrayed him again. I see it for what it is, yet I also know there's deeper stuff going on from traumas that I haven't had the courage to deal with in the past. (i'm not excusing my behavior, just trying to make all the pieces fit so I can make sense of it all)
So my questions are - -Do I let him go and focus on the work to make myself healthy and clean? -Do I let him know how much I will work on myself to stop my destructive behaviors but still ask him to try to work it out with me during the process? -Do I let him know it's all up to him?
I don't want to be insensitive to his needs, but I do love him and don't want him to leave. I know he has every right to leave, and I wouldn't blame him if he did, but I feel like if I can work through the issues I can be the kind of person and wife he'd be proud to have. I am utterly lost.
Hi Klassic! Your H has already agreed to slow everything down. Take the time, right now, to work on you. You need to do this for yourself without delay. You can't even truly begin to work on your R successfully unless you are coming from a healthy place to start with.
I would let H know that you need to make yourself healthy before you can even approach D talk. Since he wants out, you need to focus on getting as strong as you can in order to be a successful single parent. After that (letting him know), no talks about M or D!
You need to be the priority at the moment. I struggle with similar issues and completely understand the havoc created. Fix yourself, first. Then move on to R.
Who knows? H might change his mind if he witnesses you really doing the work for permanent change.
Keep in mind...this work will never end. Now that you know, don't ever let yourself forget. It's the difference between a happy, healthy life and a sad, miserable existence. It doesn't always seem fair, but all people have something they need to deal with in life. This is your struggle - but completely worth winning.
Well, you never know. He may be around here looking for answers, too. 
I just watched that video this morning, profound.