I feel like I'm in the middle of a nightmare - and it's one that I've created.
I am the cheater. I've been married for twelve years, together for thirteen. For the past two months I've had a full-on affair with an old classmate. Prior to that, I had an on-again off-again emotional affair with the father of my eldest son, but that's been completely over for three years. So needless to say, my husband has been through a lot with me.
We started therapy last week, and my husband has come to the conclusion that he wants a divorce. He says he can't stand the pain anymore and just does not feel safe with me.
I had a total breakdown after being faced with the reality of my actions. I felt like I was living in a fog before, unsure of what I wanted, sometimes even feeling like I was two different people. My therapist recommended I do an in-patient or intense out-patient treatment, due to traumas/addictions that I've never fully dealt with that probably fueled my actions (affairs). I start October 18th with that.
During our last session, I was such a mess that my husband agreed to slow down the process, but now that a few days have gone by, I feel that the only reason he did that was so that I could be relatively healthy for our four children and not the emotional wreck I was becoming after the divorce talk. (He had to leave on a 5-day business trip and I'm obviously the sole caretaker)
I have intense anxiety and OCD, so I know these are coming into play here, and I may be obsessing/worrying about a future that I know nothing about.
He is extremely hurt/angry/etc., but still says he loves me. I feel unsure of how to act around him, what the right thing to do/say is. Any help is appreciated. I know I am the cheater, but I do want to save my marriage and am willing to work on myself so I can be a wife he can trust again.
