I guarantee this did nothing to your relationship with your W. She probably enjoyed the confrontation because she knows she got under your skin - therefore you're still all in.
Is your wife a victim/martyr? In her mind, most assuredly. Is it true, though? Likely not. It's part of the WW's faulty defense mechanism. To her, you are the root of all problems, and she is blameless. She has a diminished ability to accept responsibility for her part in this. Can you change her truth? Certainly not by talking to her, she has to get there on her own.
You say you can't take it anymore. What's the alternative? You make your own plan. Pick a point on the horizon of where you want to be. Set a few small goals, just for today for now, that start you in that direction. Build some confidence that you can meet those goals. Soon enough you'll be setting weekly, then monthly goals. Your goals and steps will not depend on your W, and soon enough you'll realize you are under your own control. This is detachment. And once you are there, moving along that path, your W may realize that you are moving along just fine regardless of her circus. It may or may not change the dynamic, but by then you will realize the choices are all yours.
As one who has taken the scenic road through hell (and back), I can tell you it does get better, and there will even be parts of this that you will end up being thankful for. (!)
But don't beat yourself up. Nothing swings on a single confrontation. But now that you've seen how unproductive it was, let's not repeat the experience.
Get to work on the weekend. Do something that makes you feel good.
