Mustardseed Sprouting

[mustardseed]

I love the support I get here. It has been a tough couple of days. H really still knows how to get under my skin. Last soccer game OW's H (maybe xh, maybe stbxh--I don't know) was there. First time I saw him since I accepted that she was defintely a huge reason from my D. Now I never really spent much time with him outside of the friendly hello's--and I might be reading into things, but he seemed to go out of his way to say hello to me. I wonder what he knows. I wonder if we should chat. I think it is better if we just let it go. OW was in her corner with some mutual female friends, so I sat on the bleachers with all of the H's. I felt like the outsider this time, but then some other mom's showed up so it wasn't so bad. I had to leave at half time to catch the football scrimmage at another school. H is the coach. I got there just as they were coming off the field, I tried to get to the field to say hi to my S, but they moved off too quickly.

I made it back to the soccer game in time to catch the last couple of minutes. Of course, as I was walking up to the field H and S drove by me in the golf cart. I asked if he was going to the soccer game, and H made this whole frantic--no time to stop I am super dad having to get the kids to all of their activities--um, yes that has been my life for the past 13 years yet I managed to still take the time for friendly greetings. Of course, when he got to the soccer field he had time to stop and chat with OW--with S in the golf cart--violation of the orders we wrote up. But I kept my mouth shut.

As soon as he saw me approaching the field, he sped off to the other side of the field so again I didn't get to greet my son. The game ended. The girls won, I made my way across the field with the rest of the parents to congratulate--and he sped across the field and snatched her up before I got there, then drove her back to the house.

So yes, bitterness has been growing inside of me. I am angry. And I hate that he still has this kind of power over my emotions.
I walked back to my car, and OW's H walked by my and again seemed overly eager to say goodbye. Maybe he wants to piss her off. Maybe he knows something. Maybe he just wants to make them squirm--I know I do (but not in front of the kids). Or maybe he really was just happy to start showing his face again in the school community and is just being friendly with the people he began to lose touch with because of her. Or maybe I just read way too much into everything these days. I'm overly sensitive.

Then I was supposed to have the kids tomorrow, but I guess H didn't realize. And he was pissed. He didn't bring me the dog. When I offered to go back to the house to make it easier for him since he was running late for practice, he drove off on that effing golf cart. I also told him that he needed to call his lawyer. He responded by sending me a text saying I am not supposed to be talking about lawyers and not being allowed at the house in front of the kids.

I wrote a text saying, "I will discuss that with my laywer. However you are not supposed to be having interactions with OW in front of the kids, you were supposed to arrange a time for me to go back into the house to pack up my things, and you are supposed to be financially contributing to the finances involved in maintaining to homes." But then I deleted the post and emailed my L instead. I feel like I cheated myself out of an opportunity to stick up for myself--but I am so afraid of how he twists things. I hate that he still has the power to make me feel this way. Today I am second guess myself, feeling like I let him control me all over again.

I don't know how to get passed this feeling. This insecurity that I haven't felt in a long time. I also keep getting asked about how my job is going. I guess people he works with want to avoid the divorce topic so they stick with the work topic, which just makes me feel worse. No one over there knows I lost my job. I don't want him knowing what is going on with my employment prospects. I am ashamed. So this last school event was a win for them--because my self-esteem has dropped a notch from where it was.

After the games on Wednesday I went out to see the comedy show. It was good to laugh. It was an early night and I crashed at my mother's. When we got up my mother wanted to go for a walk, so we did, and then she decided that she wanted to try out my summer GAL outing and we took a round trip on the ferry. It was a beautiful morning and I could tell my mother went from being very anxious about things she is dealing with with her sisters and the aftermath of her father's death, to being calm and recharged. We both needed it. Next week we are going to go to a shrine that has a walkable rosary. So my GAL is coming back.

I also decided to start knitting again. Things to pass the time until I can start working--something that I am both looking forward to and terrified of at the same time. But once I am working again I won't feel so ashamed every time someone asks me about work.