Back on these forums again

[Mona52]

Hello Gmum! I don't mind one little bit.
I remember I was intensely worried that since we only had contact maybe a minute or 2 two every couple of months, that BD'ing was useless. He did not care, and did not see if I was GAL or sitting in a ball in the corner every day crying. He basically only saw the babies on a holiday or one of their birthdays.

I was a complete wreck, I am not ashamed to admit it. I lost so much weight so quickly, that I developed gallstones and ended up in surgery to remove them and was in bed for weeks recovering. He still did not come to help with the kids. So I was really DB'ing with him never seeing any of it.

What he did see, was every time he saw the kids, I was there, happy, looking my absolute best and not angry or blaming in the slightest. I would casually mention things, like 'Oh D got a bruise from daycare. I had to put them in daycare because of my new job.'
I would never stress things I was doing or how good this was or that was. I would find a way to mention it as a side note.

Facebook was not big back then, so that was the only contact I ever had with him. (Except a few drunk phone calls we wont discuss;) )

I kept the meetings as short as possible, even though I wanted so badly to linger and stretch it out. At first he was grateful when I pushed him hurriedly out the door. He was ready for a weeping W, while he had OW waiting outside in the car. Instead, I was relaxed and happy and on my way out the door, so please hurry up, thanks... I have to admit, i always, every single time, made OW see me. I always followed the kids outside, to say good bye.

Then, when he felt that I was not going to be stressful to him, he started visiting the kids a little more often. Not a lot, just a little. He would try to make conversation with me, and I was not rude, but I was not chatty Kathy either. I kept my answers short, and happy, but I gave no personal information if I could help it. I always turned the conversation around to him. I know he likes to talk about himself and it made him feel good that I cared to ask about little things.

Then he wanted longer visits, and even though it was so hard, I declined. Each time, I was on my way to something else. I was there for him as a friend, but I was not there for him continually or as long as he wanted.

I will tell you, there were many, many more 2x4's on this forum then. If I did not mind my P's and Q's and if I did not keep the visits super short, the people here would smack the heck out of me. Seriously, total strangers would come to my thread just to tell me how stupid I was to tell H I missed him, lol. And I would get angry at them, but I really loved them for it. I depended completely on the advice here and tried to do exactly what I was told. i knew for a fact it would never work, because he moved so far away. And they had a BABY! But I knew nothing I did worked, so I just followed along. And I was able to stick with it because their advice was transforming my entire life.

I hope that made sense, I know I ramble a lot.