Today he asked me if he could buy an iPod touch for our daughter, so she can FaceTime him when he's away. Ehh NO! She's 3 years old. Asinine. He said ok and to let him know when I think she's old enough.
Did you then say this....
Originally Posted By: Gmum
He can Skype on my computer or FaceTime on my phone or iPad. As much as they both want. I'm not gonna stand in the way of their relationship.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
No, I've decided I'm not fooling myself. I can do this. It might take a while, years even, but time is my friend. I have as long as I'm willing to give.
Yes you can!
I suggest starting to look at yourself. Making behavioral changes is difficult. Its often called Old Brain vs New Brain. When you are trying to implement these changes it is as if your old brain is a snake and your new brain steps on it. Well the old brian doesn't give up it wriggles and struggles to get free. That is why it is difficult. You will be more successful with a system. Recognize the things that you did, what you should do instead and how to make those changes.
This is my example...
How did I push my spouse away... a. I was withdrawn b. I was overly critical c. I was blah blah blah d.
How can I improve... a. How can I be a better person, parent, spouse friend by not being withdrawn? - I can be active in the moment - I can look people in the eyes when they are speaking - I can make sure I am not watching TV, playing on my phone or whatever when in a conversation - I can force myself to participate
What methods can I use to help me... a. to not be withdrawn - I can wear a rubber band and snap it when I catch myself doing the things outlined above - I can reward myself with something I like when I have been active all day
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Yes, I did tell him she could use my phone, iPad etc as much as she wants, he said that it wasn't the same. He seemed to understand though. Just said ok and to let me know when I think she's old enough for an iPod Touch.
After you mentioned Jack Canfield, I went by Barnes & Noble to look at his books. They weren't in stock, but in stead I came across Breaking the Habit Being Yourself by Dr Joe Dispenza. It's about how our mind affects our reality and being stuck in certain patterns. New brain vs old brain, like you called it. Anyway, I just started reading it, but I really like it and I wanted to thank you for "Leading" me to it.
I am trying to be a better person. I want to become the best version of myself. It is hard to be around him though. I feel like I'm back to square one. I so badly want to reach out and touch him, hug him and knowing he's with her...argghhhh...
I love Jack Canfield. I am glad you found something that you are excited about reading!
Originally Posted By: Gmum
I am trying to be a better person. I want to become the best version of myself. It is hard to be around him though. I feel like I'm back to square one. I so badly want to reach out and touch him, hug him and knowing he's with her...argghhhh...
All things worth having in life take time. Try to focus on yourself and not what they are doing. I've been D'ed for 8 months and I still find it difficult, some times more than others. But honestly, that is the key. He doesn't make you happy or sad or angry. You do that. You interpret your surroundings and make those assessments for yourself. Focus on you. Living your life and the other pieces will fall into place.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Hi Gmum, I know this is so hard, but you can totally do this. I know when he goes away you will be scared he will move on. His emotions are probably going through similar waves as yours are. Be honest, there are times when you feel like kicking him to the curb, right? He will have those exact same feelings. Flip that coin over though. He will also go through times when he will miss you both and wonder if he made a mistake.
If you can possibly pull away from his craziness and make some uber positive changes in your life right now, his feelings of wondering if he made a mistake will grow and grow.
I cannot remember who it was, but I remember a post that was on here a while ago. I think it was from a WAW. She was in reconciliation with the LBS and i think they were posting their journey, but it was years ago, so I may be wrong.
But this person explained what a LBS is to a WA. Think about going to work every day and one day a new person starts and you say Hi to them at the water cooler. Well, because you smiled and said hi to them, they attached themselves to you. Every day they would invite you to lunch or figure out where and when you were having lunch and show up there. Through out the day they would come into your office to chat about nothing and see if you wanted to stop for a few drinks after work. You never drank water anymore, because every time you went near the water cooler they would be there, desperately trying to become friends with you.
Soon you started to close your office door completely and you peeked around corners at work before heading to the bathroom.
It is possible you and this person could have become friends, if you had some space and time to want it, without it being thrust upon you at every turn.
Now suppose this person finally gets the hint and stops the constant barrage of friend requests. Now, when you see them in the hall, you nod. Soon, you are able to get water again, and every once in a while, they are getting water too. Since they do not force it, you relax enough to finally have some short conversations with them that you initiate. Finally, you are the one who includes them when a group of you go out to lunch. If that person has some interesting things going on in their lives, now is the time you will finally see that. Before, it did not matter one bit what their lives were outside of work, you were not interested.
All you need to do now is take that focus WAY off him and what he thinks and what he feels. You need to get some nice and healthy obsessions about things just for YOU. I promise you, nothing in this life is impossible. Right now you have the gift of time to NOT worry about him and aim for things in life you want. aim BIG, even if you fall short you still will be much higher.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Mona! This is by far the best explanation of how the WA sees the LBS that I have seen so far. Spot on. My H moved into an apartment in town and I am living alone in our house in a very rural area. It has taken a lot of willpower to not call or text him. Detachment is HARD and lonely. Even though I'm trying to GAL, I really struggle with why giving him space would work. But this does make actual sense. Thank you for posting!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
It totally makes sense, but my fear is that since our relationship hasn't really worked since before we got married, he will have no reason to miss me. He's also so used to being gone from both me and our daughter, that it doesn't seem to matter much (our daughter yes, me not so much) I think we both felt relief a lot of times when he was gone anyways. He has a lot of resentment towards me. He said that in time it will go away. I guess my only hope is to become the kind of person he would want to spend his life with. He always wanted a big family, when I pressed him about that shortly after he BD'ed me, his only response was "well, at least we had one" I just saw him. He looked so tired and told me it was because of work and money etc. I was trying to be friendly and helpful, not sure if that's the right approach?
Also, I don't suggest that we do stuff together. When he has our daughter for a few hours, I take the time to do something for myself. He has also stopped, it seems, to suggest we do stuff as a family. We're friendly when we're together though.
