I want to start with a big thank you to all of you who keep encouraging me, advising me, educating me. I could NOT do this without you. This forum has been a life line for me. Thank you. I am sorry we are all here, but at least we are together.
A busy day for me. My H is going to put in for the "away" job.
I am in talks with someone about a job.
I have decided to act in a warmer and more approachable way. I am wondering if in my attempts to not pursue and to give him space, he is unsure how to react and scared of the dynamic, and maybe by me withholding I am unintentionally contributing to the wall of ice between us. Yes, he put it there. Yes, he hides behind it. But I am going to pretend it isn't there, because we are still living together, have a family, and its not healthy to live like this. Practicing a friendly smile and greeting for when he comes home. I will initiate some friendly small talk instead of waiting on him to initiate, because he doesn't . Not R talk, just casual stuff, and not a lot of it, just enough to break this awful silence. If it doesn't work, I haven't lost anything.
It's not you. It's all about him. I wouldn't be all that available to him. That is the reality he is choosing, and you need to protect yourself emotionally. Let him be icy. It doesn't matter to you. You get that he is angry. Not that you agree with it, but he wants a D, so it is understandable that he is angry. His issue, not you and yours.
When we start acting attractive and stop pursuing, we often get a reaction we don't like. It is one of fear, which manifests as anger and coldness. They are scared about having any positive feelings towards you. They are scared that it is temporary and if they risk and make themselves vulnerable you will revert to "normal." They are scared that they aren't loveable and that you moving forward means that you may leave them. This can lead to a childish, you can't leave me if I leave you first reaction. It takes time and a steady hand to let them settle down after you clearly change course.
They have to recognize it, accept that it really is the new you, and then adjust to the feelings all that triggers in them. Just be patient, and stay the course. The less you focus on how to make it easier for him to be around you and connect, the less likely that he will change his tune.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
OK As. I am not sure, but I will trust you on this one.
I just want to make sure I am not acting icy- I think I might be in reaction to him. I think I might be withdrawing instead of detaching and I want to make sure that I am not participating in that game. I will be careful not to pursue.
Interesting. He came in tonight, I was standing at the stove cooking. He did not approach me, I looked at him and said hi, commented on "Oh, you got a hair cut, looks good." And went back to cooking. About 3 or 4 minutes later he came up behind me and gave me a big hug. If I had approached him and hugged him, he wouldn't have had that chance to initiate. I am glad I kept it friendly but neutral. Really glad.
Also interesting to note, he has a different look about him tonight. And I don't mean the hair cut. He just has a relaxed look, actually looks younger and this is the first time I haven't seen that "depressed checked out" look on him in months. He looks like himself. Maybe the weight is off his shoulders because he is taking the travel job? Idk, but he just had a pleasant interaction with D, which NEVER happens .
Mutatio, as you know, this silent treatment is killing me. He is also back to sleeping on the sofa with his phone. And I had a dream last night that he was with OW again. I would say a dream is just anxiety, but a week before BD before I had any idea that OW even existed, I had a dream that he was in a restaurant with a woman. I think my intuition is telling me something. But since I can't talk to him, I have no idea. And he is leaving tomorrow for a 10 day trip. Trying to put it out of my head. I have friends to talk to, but I am just so lonely for him.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. To the depths of my soul I understand exactly how you feel. The outcome of this silence is insidious. Hugs for you sister. Be well, Be strong
I was just cleaning out the closet and I found some very old (15 years? maybe older) "love" coupons that H had given me for a birthday. There is no expiration date. Think I should cash one in? LOL. The full body massage with extras sounds pretty good......
