Dropping the Rope V

[Zephyr]

Good morning friends, I have been silent on the boards for a while, trying to figure out my next step in my life.

I have reached am impasse. I am no longer interested in living in a marriage where it is not beneficial to both of us. I have put so much energy into this marriage that I feel drained. I have tried reason and logic, compassion, love, begging, space, time and forgiveness and it has gotten me only so far. It has certainly opened up an avenue to a better marriage but she just has not walked down that path with me. I have allowed the carrots of affection and hope for the future cloud my judgement for too long. I have come to accept less than what I deserve as a loving husband. I have essentially been struggling whether or not I should throw what I do have away for a chance at a better future.

I have come to terms that my wife is in an emotional affair. Does she still love me? Likely. Does she realize that her ‘friendship’ is destroying any chance at us actually reconnecting and living in an mutually beneficial marriage, Likely Not. At this point, I can even be convinced that she is not aware that her ‘friendship’ is more than that, not that it matters one bit at this time. I know that I cannot convince her of this. I can only open her eyes that I am no longer going to be disrespected by this relationship any longer. I have enabled this affair for too long, I have stood by and her behaviors have hurt me too much. I am not going to stand there and be ignorant, vilified or disrespected any longer.

The talks that we’ve had over the last two months have all shown progress in her thinking, her rhetoric for sticking it out and working on things, her opinions on those who leave their marriages…but are all of those just talk? She does not seek me for emotional comfort at all. She does not share with me at all. We had a close friend killed in an accident last weekend, you would think that she would want to talk / share / whatever. NOPE. Even when I needed her comfort, It was not given to me. She embraced every single person that was looking for consolation at the funeral, all but me when I needed it most. That told me everything I needed.

My gut tells me ‘yes, you need to go’. My heart keeps reminding me there are so many signs that she loves you and wants to make this work…but that is it, she does not want to do the work and look at herself and look at what problems she has caused and overall, how little she regards my needs in this marriage. I know she is in pain with all her past hurts, but she will not seek out me or professional counseling (she actually told me last week that she felt it was slap in her face that I even suggested it, that she needs counseling). I can only give compassion and seek to show her that I am in a position of receiving her, she needs to be the one to accept that and she won’t.

That is what I’ve been struggling with. The decision has been made. I have gotten some amazing clarity through my sessions with IC (he is very pro-marriage) and he agrees that things will never be different unless there is a change. I cannot force her to change. I need to be the one to make the change in the relationship. My boundary for no one else between us in our marriage needs to be set & enforced. Her action or lack of action will dictate what I need to do next. What that next step is, I have had to come to terms with. It is the one thing that I have been struggling with for the last 18 months of my life and I have finally accepted what I will do. I cannot allow fear and apprehension to control my decisions any more.

Will she chose him over me, our family and our marriage? Will she chose a ‘friendship’ over a soulmate, a lover and her best friend. I just do not know right now. This is not a gambit or a game. I need her to make that choice. She chose me once, long ago, when I asked her to marry me. We have built an amazing family and honestly a great life together. I never thought that infidelity would ever touch my marriage. I was naïve. But it has and now I must ask her to choose again.

I have been trying to be strong for my family. I have tried to be the lighthouse for her. I have tried to give my life to a higher power. It feels like this is where my journey must go.

If I am wrong in this, please tell me…because it feels like this isn’t actually dropping the rope, rather it is tying a noose.

Thank you all so very much for reading and spending so much of your time with me, I could not have typed this message witout all of your help!

[roist]

I'll reply tomorrow.Glad you shared here.

Sorry can't reply more now. But I am thinking of what you said and what you are thinking.

[Zephyr]

Thank you Roiste, been a struggle in my head as of late.

Earlier post links...forgot earlier:

third thread with hosted links for earlier threads

[roist]

WOW. I bet that has been a heavy load. I hope sharing here has helped and people more experienced than me will offer advice/comments.

I am glad you have an IC in your corner. As you have been debating this yourself I suppose it is not the case but I hope it is coming from you and not IC. You phrasing comes across as you feeling obliged to do this and not that you have chosen.

In the end of the day every LBS will be forced to decide when enough is enough. This is especially true IMO where the couple still live in an unfulfilling M. When S leaves it is easier in s way as the decision was made by WAS. You have fought long and hard for your M. You have shown strength where most would have faltered.You are not deciding to end your M you are deciding to no longer accept a situation which is not acceptable.

As for if it is right or wrong I cannot advise. You have made great progress since I first read your first, thread. But there was always that hint of it not quite being on track. Only you can really read the full situation.I will just say that it does not strike me as a mad thing to do and if I had to vote I would vote yes, do set your boundary.



When are you thinking of acting on this?

Best of luck.

[Zephyr]

Thanks roiste. You've been so supportive of me it is unbelievable.

So I was playing guitar and when finished I went for a bottle of water.
Walked past wife and screen was instantly turned away.

I got mad. I walked up to room and closed the door to cool off. I could not. Wife came up 15 mins later too see what was going on. She knew I was not ok. I said that the phone screen issue made me upset, that her turning it away from me to hide what was being texted was incredibly disrespectful. In went right into the inappropriate relationship and me being very uncomfortable.with it.

Two hours later we finished talking.
Wife was pissed and I felt horrible.z

I do not want to discuss our conversation on open forums. She ultimately chose to give up her friend for the sake of our marriage. Ultimately I trust her position that she felt there was nothing there.

All of my apprehension about our marriage recovery and our future has been hung up with this guy. All of the other wonderful things that I've described were truly genuine, except for this guy...why do I feel guilty about me needing for him to be cut away from my life?

This has been a past wound with moving out here and our house renovation with lack of friends and family in our area.

What can I do to help with this, what can I do to offer her thanks for her understanding my position in this, and as appreciation for her continued working on our marriage. It feels like I have wounded my wife again and no matter what I don't ever want that.

[roist]

I was going to suggest setting up temp email account so we could exchange outside of the board here. We can think about that later if you wish.

You are a good man. It is great your concern for W and her being upset. BUT your feelings are valid too. Everything that lead to that moment was real. Her being upset could be justifiable but to me of much lesser importance in the big picture. Do not feel guilty. If anyone should feel guilty it is W for putting you in the situation IMO.

Have ye put in place a transparency plan. This is not about invading her privacy but demonstrating real commitment. I am happy you trust her explication but urge you to not fully believe everything until backed up by actions. Basic rule here!

I am glad you got that out in the open and W seems committed to your M. I bet you are relieved. I truly hope this is a turning point. .

[Zephyr]

Thanks roiste, yes moving forward with a transparency plan will be hard. I need to trust her.

Her actions over the last 9 months have really made last night difficult because she has been moving back towards me in regards other commitment to the marriage.

The biggest deal was the way I've seen him touch her in public. Now she doesn't even remwber these situations but I do vividly. She just said that is how he is...which does not make it any more appropriate. Only less so...if he is in a sex starved marriage and has no limits on what he would do in terms of touching another woman that speaks more volumes to me about his character than anything that anyone could say about him.

The fact that my wife did not object or stop him from any sort of swnsual touching was just too much...I know what that kind of touchung means to me...to see it. Uugh.

[roist]

Trust is earned, not given. It will be hard for ye both. Glad there will be transparency.

You don't have to justify your thoughts either here or to W. You were right and are right to have drawn a line. Maybe not immediately or consciously your W will respect you for your stance. You have shown her a stronger you and you will need to be strong and unbending with regards to this. The line is clearly marked. She has chosen your side of the line. Good. But don't let the line be pushed or tested.

Not being naive..... yes some people are just inappropriate without hidden agendas. But inappropriate is inappropriate and opens doors that should be locked in a M.

All the best mate.

[roist]

I was just wondering how the dust settled after last weeks conversation with W.
As always, I wish you all the best.

[Zephyr]

Hey Roiste, So there has been no dust settled yet

We talked on Thursday and she was visibly upset a good deal on Friday. We spend a large portion of Friday, Saturday and Sunday together as a family. On Sunday, we went out for errands and the gym and lunch together without the kids and it seemed like we both had a nice time. She helped make my favorite meal on Saturday, Sunday made my favorite soup and helped with mowing the lawn (for only the second time in 10 years).

I know that these are not a good sign in and of itself. I know better now, it could mean anything. There is no way I can guess what she is thinking and SHE WILL NOT TELL ME. That is key here, she still will not openly talk to me about her emotions and her thoughts.

Since then, The truth is she has not sent me a single message, PM, call or anything. She has not addressed me by anything but my name save when she woke up and called me ‘Baby’. There has been no physical contact whatsoever since we spoke about how uncomfortable this friendship made me.

Deep down, I feel like crap. I am not sure what to do moving forward. She is clearly upset that I showed that I did not trust her actions. I told her that I’ve trusted her explicitly throughout our entire marriage and have NEVER had a problem with any of her other relationships, no matter what circumstances. This one is different. It is inappropriate in my eyes.

I know that there is going to be a long time before my wife (if ever) can look at this interaction with anything but contempt. I could not take the disrespect of her hiding, quite literally and figuratively, a relationship with another man…one where she sought to have her emotional needs met and to meet his (oh and depriving me of the same). She does not believe that is what was happening. She had even read some articles on Emotional Affairs after a conversation about another couple’s problems. She told me that she just didn’t believe that was a thing, and that she was pissed that I would even think that she was not smart enough to see if anything was happening like that. I have been watching her for 2 years with this. Have seen the emotional distance between us growing and the gap between her and him shrinking. Anytime in the last year I tried to discuss anything on an ‘emotional’ level with her, it was put off, met with resistance, resentment and anger. I still believe that she is not ready to accept what this really was, how this has affected our marriage, how an emotional bond with another man is actually a destructive force between us. I know that, that information cannot come from me. She has to come to that realization for herself.

It is easy to second guess myself on this as this likely will do nothing to bring us closer. It will only bring more anger and resentment into our marriage. As long as my wife is willing to use that resentment as a shield for her heart or a weapon against me getting closer to her, then I will need to just keep moving forward. I cannot force her to love me, to show me compassion, understanding and forgiveness. I cannot force her to want to live in a mutually beneficial and authentic marriage, where exclusivity is not something where either one of us needs to ever worry about.

Here is the rub, how do I do that…move forward and still continue to be her friend and continue to posture myself in a position of understanding and receiving, where I can be the one who is willing to fill her needs for genuine conversation and love?