Maybe it's silly to base this on what happened but the sitch was my WW was back home. We were going to attempt R. I could barely look at her and definitely couldn't touch her.
She was remorseful and willing to do whatever it took to help me. I doubt she'll ever know how bad she hurt me. I would have walked through the fires of hell for this woman. If hell is real and she was to go there because of this I'd have to ask St. Peter if I could give up a spot in heaven and join her. I love this woman with all my heart. She knew that too which is another reason this hurt me so bad.
Anyway, I'm on the fence about D or R. Leaning toward D. Felt like I was really detaching. Envisioning myself moving on and eventually meeting someone else and not feeling bad about that. Just a little earlier this year she goes to her normal annual health screen. Mammogram comes back with something suspicious. Test come back positive for breast cancer. My heart felt like it exploded. All my doubts disappeared in a microsecond. I realized one undeniable truth. I still loved this woman with all my heart no matter what she had done. I was crushed by this news and went into full on supportive husband "we'll get through this mode." Well fortunately for us it was very small and localized. Surgery then some routine chemo/radiation and a clean bill of health. If it was God it was a horrible way to snap me out of my funk/indecision but I do think him for it.
It showed me how I really felt. It hit me like an epiphany that I loved her and she loved me. That is all that matters everything else is just the noise of life. Noise that can sometimes be deafening but is still just noise and can be dealt with.
Although this thing almost killed us both I still think I got off lucky. I became a junkie of these sites and books and movies about infidelity. If I ever seem like I have any wisdom on this subject it's only because I made every single mistake you can make but I learned from them. Camelot never was. Nobody lives Camelot. Marriages have to be maintained like everything else in your life (house, cars, lawn, your body, etc.) or they will break.
As for feeling lucky I say that because my wife never had plans to leave me or run off with her OM. I didn't have to deal with that. I've read so many of your stories about that happening and I couldn't feel worse for you. All I can suggest is get counseling and coaching. The experts here are very good. When I started to make real progress was when I swallowed my pride (I always thought I could fix anything), surrendered myself to the process, accepted there's a higher power, and let the process work. I knew that either way I was going to survive and for us it worked out. Is Camelot back? No, and it never will be. I don't want it back. It was an illusion. Today can still be rough but will get better. We love each other. That is all that matters.
I'm here because you are all my peer group now. Many of us have been through emotional stress worse than going to war. I know, I've been to war. I thought I should cover my own story before I start responding on other people's threads. Good luck to all of you and remember if you love your SO and they love you then anything else can be fixed.
