LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M

[CaliGuy]

MiL is coming to town tomorrow.

MiL says WW doesn't tell her what's really going on. I don't even know if the MiL knows WW filed for D. I know MiL has told WW she needs to end her A and work on our M. I have told her my desire to R but it was before WW filed D. Do I reassure the MiL about my resolve to R? That I have not given up and that I do not want this D?

No... MIL is HER mother and in HER corner, and their relationship is between them ... Be polite but just let MIL know if she wants any information she will have to go through W to get it because you respect your Ws privacy and it's not your place to share the issues ... Your W will just blame you for turning everyone against her if you spill the beans

Worry about you and let your W spin, spew and pout... But DO NOT allow her to disrespect you verbally any longer... Remember you deserve better ... You are the prize

[gs9]

Nope, no need to reassure anyone. Just breathe and come here before you do anything. Focus on the mediation and relax. Mediation can get heated, stay calm and resolute. Your WW may try to bait you into an argument. Breathe...

Thanks Thornton. There was a point prior to mediation starting that she tried to bait me and she got a little out of me before I walked away.
Initially we were sitting in the hallway. I was reading on my phone and can see her staring at me. I stopped and we just stared at each other for several minutes. She began crying. After another minute or so she walked away. When she returned she said " I believe you're ready for this too. Someone who wanted to reconcile wouldn't have a code on their phone. You wouldn't be working out and getting lean to look good. You're getting ready for your next girlfriend." I said "please don't make assumptions about how I feel or what I'm thinking." She then went into her old routine about how I ended our marriage when I was unfaithful...... I told her I didn't have to listen to her mouth anymore and I walked away. I returned a couple minutes later and told her "We can't change the past. We can effect today and the future with our choices. All of this is her choice." She said " no you choose to end our marriage when you cheated." I said "no, I chose to reconcile, repent and ask for forgiveness. You're choosing to end our marriage now." She walked away.

Mediation was cordial. We agreed on parenting times. There was a lot of time spent talking about one of us moving out. In a very emotional time while with the mediator alone I asked her to type up something that would protect me if I were to decide to move out. It also included each of us seeing IC's a minimum of 1x week. WW agreed to see her IC 2x month.

After mediation I hit the gym and then my IC. Working out really clears my head. I realized I was considering an emotional decision to move out. I was trying to manipulate my WW to see her IC more frequently and elicit emotions from her. Hoping if I moved out she would miss me and her love for me would grow again. I know from the wonderful ppl on this forum that this does not work. I told her I would consider it and pray about it for a couple days but I already know the answer is I'm not moving out. It's completely against the advice here, my IC's advice and what I hear God telling me. We agreed I would give a decision by the 20th but I'm going to men's retreat this weekend and will tell her when I return.

[Thornton]

Yeah moving out can have dire consequences regarding your kids and your visitation with them.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and stay calm. Things can change, and they often do when you least expect it.

Keep working on you. Gym, counselor, GAL, and being an awesome dad.

[gs9]

MiL is coming to town tomorrow.

MiL says WW doesn't tell her what's really going on. I don't even know if the MiL knows WW filed for D. I know MiL has told WW she needs to end her A and work on our M. I have told her my desire to R but it was before WW filed D. Do I reassure the MiL about my resolve to R? That I have not given up and that I do not want this D?

No... MIL is HER mother and in HER corner, and their relationship is between them ... Be polite but just let MIL know if she wants any information she will have to go through W to get it because you respect your Ws privacy and it's not your place to share the issues ... Your W will just blame you for turning everyone against her if you spill the beans

Worry about you and let your W spin, spew and pout... But DO NOT allow her to disrespect you verbally any longer... Remember you deserve better ... You are the prize

That's right I am the PRIZE! I have and will continue to not allow her to disrespect me verbally or any other way. Thank you so much for the encouragement.

My IC suggested if I say anything to the MiL to only say "I haven't given up on this M or on your daughter."

[sandi2]

You're getting ready for your next girlfriend." I said "please don't make assumptions about how I feel or what I'm thinking."

Your answer was good. When she says things like this, you don't have to reply. Just look at her and then look away. Just let her think you are getting ready for the next one. She needs to worry about the fact she's putting you out on the market again. Don't assure her she's the only one.

She then went into her old routine about how I ended our marriage when I was unfaithful...... I told her I didn't have to listen to her mouth anymore and I walked away.

Excellent!

I returned a couple minutes later and told her "We can't change the past. We can effect today and the future with our choices. All of this is her choice.

I asked her to type up something that would protect me if I were to decide to move out.

Who did you ask?

It also included each of us seeing IC's a minimum of 1x week. WW agreed to see her IC 2x month.

Doesn't mean she'll actually go. What happens if she doesn't?

I was trying to manipulate my WW to see her IC more frequently and elicit emotions from her.

Yep!

You are getting there. Keep learning and growing. You are going to be great!

[gs9]

More crumbs?

I feel as if I've been given a couple more crumbs of things moving in the right direction.

Jealousy or concern she's losing me?
Over the last couple days she has been upset and has twice mentioned a security code on my phone, twice mentioned I've been working out, getting lean and looking good for my next girlfriend and has twiced accused me of sleeping with much younger women from the gym.

Trying to get my attention?
Last night I was laying in bed reading a book. She changed her shirt in front of me (back turned). I did not let her know I noticed. For at least the last month she has been sure to change in a different room and with the door closed.

Reaching out? Trying to attach?
-Last night WW, D4 and I were watching TV. WW was on a different couch reading on her phone when she put her head in her hands and began crying. I acted like I didn't notice. Several minutes later she said " I just received an email about my job interview. They aren't filling the position until November." She was expecting an answer this week. I said "that's not bad news." I feel like she was looking for me to give her support and reassurance. Maybe hug or cuddle her. I did not.
- This morning she stepped in the office. She said "Happy Birthday" I said "thank you". I wasn't expecting any acknowledgement of my bday at all. She then said " I feel frustrated bc you don't realize you ended our marriage when you cheated last year. You say you chose to reconcile, repent and ask forgiveness but I feel you ended it. You say I'm having an A but I'm not and maybe at first I was but not now. You did what you did and then I did something worse so if this makes you feel better about yourself so you can tell your friends and family that I did something worse...." I raised my hand and she stopped talking. I said "May I interject?" she nodded. " There isn't one part of this that makes me feel good. I don't feel better or good about any of it. I chose to reconcile, repent and ask YOU for forgiveness. I can not control your choices. I can not control whether you forgive me or not." She said "You say I haven't forgiven you for anything, ever. I feel I have forgiven you or I wouldn't be able to move on." I said " During the turmoil of this last year God has created in me a tremendous amount of character development. Your choices are yours and there isn't anything I can do about it but I know God has me. I have given you and our M over to Him and no matter what choices you make His plan for me is good." She said " I believe I loved you too much." She started crying and left the room.
At first I felt "here we again, really on my Bday you're going to drag up my past failures". But then I realized she's not angry. She's sharing feelings with me. Why is she sharing feelings with me? It's not to hurt me. Maybe it's bc she still cares. She obviously still feels enough for me that she would be willing to be vulnerable, share intimate feelings with me and cry.
Are these crumbs of things moving in the right direction? I sure do pray they are

[Thornton]

Ok, now would be a good time to read Wonka's validation page. When she starts talking to about this stuff, validate.

Don't get to preachy about God etc. Validate her.

[gs9]

You're getting ready for your next girlfriend." I said "please don't make assumptions about how I feel or what I'm thinking."

Your answer was good. When she says things like this, you don't have to reply. Just look at her and then look away. Just let her think you are getting ready for the next one. She needs to worry about the fact she's putting you out on the market again. Don't assure her she's the only one.

Hi Sandi! Thank you so much for your quick reply.
Definitely! This is where her insane jealousy and imagination work to my benefit. I'll let her think I'm "shopping" of course without actually shopping. I have a friend who wants me to meet a very attractive, and 10 years younger, friend of his. This would drive my WW absolutely crazy but I told him I'd have to hold off. I desire to reconcile my M, I don't want to create any additional obstacles or lead his friend on.
I actually caught WW rummaging through my car Tuesday night. I know she was looking for evidence of me cheating.

She then went into her old routine about how I ended our marriage when I was unfaithful...... I told her I didn't have to listen to her mouth anymore and I walked away.

Excellent!

Thank you

I returned a couple minutes later and told her "We can't change the past. We can effect today and the future with our choices. All of this is her choice.

Ut oh! Was this wrong?

I asked her to type up something that would protect me if I were to decide to move out.

Who did you ask?

The mediator

It also included each of us seeing IC's a minimum of 1x week. WW agreed to see her IC 2x month.

Doesn't mean she'll actually go. What happens if she doesn't?

It would be legally binding so I'm guessing she would be in contempt. But it doesn't matter I'm not going to agree to any of it other than the parenting plan. She needs to see the IC bc she believes she needs to not bc I want her to. My heart is in the right place but my motives and tactics are wrong.

I was trying to manipulate my WW to see her IC more frequently and elicit emotions from her.

Yep!

You are getting there. Keep learning and growing. You are going to be great!

[/quote]

[gs9]

Ok, now would be a good time to read Wonka's validation page. When she starts talking to about this stuff, validate.

Don't get to preachy about God etc. Validate her.

So am I validating the way she feels about me ending the marriage when I cheated? I have validated it in the past but I have heard this story 100+ times. I guess that's 100+ times I've had the opportunity to validate the way she feels about it. Yesterday I stated my feelings about it. I know she doesn't care about how I feel about it. At least at this time and space she doesn't.

Is it too late to validate the feelings she expressed this morning? If I were to send a text that said "thank you for sharing your feelings this morning. I know this last year has been really hard for you." am I pursuing?

[angel r]

Youre wife sounds just like mine. Everything you say about her , sounds like youre talking about my wife. She is the most prideful woman i have ever met. It's scary at times. I have always catered to her and she has always bullied me. Right now she left the marriage and took both of my daughters d8months d3yrs into a women shelter. Her pride is that big she is not scared to "start from 0 and build herself back up" just like she told me. Ive gotten closer to God as well and accepted Jesus Christ. I have dropped my L, i have given my M and WW to God. He will handle my situation , i am no longer worried or have any anxiety.