Good morning friends, I have been silent on the boards for a while, trying to figure out my next step in my life.
I have reached am impasse. I am no longer interested in living in a marriage where it is not beneficial to both of us. I have put so much energy into this marriage that I feel drained. I have tried reason and logic, compassion, love, begging, space, time and forgiveness and it has gotten me only so far. It has certainly opened up an avenue to a better marriage but she just has not walked down that path with me. I have allowed the carrots of affection and hope for the future cloud my judgement for too long. I have come to accept less than what I deserve as a loving husband. I have essentially been struggling whether or not I should throw what I do have away for a chance at a better future.
I have come to terms that my wife is in an emotional affair. Does she still love me? Likely. Does she realize that her ‘friendship’ is destroying any chance at us actually reconnecting and living in an mutually beneficial marriage, Likely Not. At this point, I can even be convinced that she is not aware that her ‘friendship’ is more than that, not that it matters one bit at this time. I know that I cannot convince her of this. I can only open her eyes that I am no longer going to be disrespected by this relationship any longer. I have enabled this affair for too long, I have stood by and her behaviors have hurt me too much. I am not going to stand there and be ignorant, vilified or disrespected any longer.
The talks that we’ve had over the last two months have all shown progress in her thinking, her rhetoric for sticking it out and working on things, her opinions on those who leave their marriages…but are all of those just talk? She does not seek me for emotional comfort at all. She does not share with me at all. We had a close friend killed in an accident last weekend, you would think that she would want to talk / share / whatever. NOPE. Even when I needed her comfort, It was not given to me. She embraced every single person that was looking for consolation at the funeral, all but me when I needed it most. That told me everything I needed.
My gut tells me ‘yes, you need to go’. My heart keeps reminding me there are so many signs that she loves you and wants to make this work…but that is it, she does not want to do the work and look at herself and look at what problems she has caused and overall, how little she regards my needs in this marriage. I know she is in pain with all her past hurts, but she will not seek out me or professional counseling (she actually told me last week that she felt it was slap in her face that I even suggested it, that she needs counseling). I can only give compassion and seek to show her that I am in a position of receiving her, she needs to be the one to accept that and she won’t.
That is what I’ve been struggling with. The decision has been made. I have gotten some amazing clarity through my sessions with IC (he is very pro-marriage) and he agrees that things will never be different unless there is a change. I cannot force her to change. I need to be the one to make the change in the relationship. My boundary for no one else between us in our marriage needs to be set & enforced. Her action or lack of action will dictate what I need to do next. What that next step is, I have had to come to terms with. It is the one thing that I have been struggling with for the last 18 months of my life and I have finally accepted what I will do. I cannot allow fear and apprehension to control my decisions any more.
Will she chose him over me, our family and our marriage? Will she chose a ‘friendship’ over a soulmate, a lover and her best friend. I just do not know right now. This is not a gambit or a game. I need her to make that choice. She chose me once, long ago, when I asked her to marry me. We have built an amazing family and honestly a great life together. I never thought that infidelity would ever touch my marriage. I was naďve. But it has and now I must ask her to choose again.
I have been trying to be strong for my family. I have tried to be the lighthouse for her. I have tried to give my life to a higher power. It feels like this is where my journey must go.
If I am wrong in this, please tell me…because it feels like this isn’t actually dropping the rope, rather it is tying a noose.
Thank you all so very much for reading and spending so much of your time with me, I could not have typed this message witout all of your help!
