Quote: I think this because H has said plenty o'times that he made a mistake, made poor choices, created a nightmare, lost things that really mattered to him, had a good life with me, etc., etc
You know what drives me crazy? When they say thing like that then contradict them with more words or with actions....UGH!!!
I don't think you were being harsh at all. I think we can find proof all over this board that the partner that is DBing is the one that comes out of this expereince with more insight into themselves! You go girl!
The article in O sounds interesting...I will have to check it out!
As far as "all in your head"...I often wonder if I miss H or the "idea" of him....when I sit and really think about the months preceding the bomb, they were not very happy ones!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Quote: I often wonder if I miss H or the "idea" of him... when I sit and really think about the months preceding the bomb, they were not very happy ones!
So many people on this BB echo this, Sun!
But what gets me is that I was really happy when the bomb dropped. Probably the happiest I'd ever been in my life. All the pieces seemed to be falling into the places we'd talked about wanting them to fall.
I'm not suggesting our M was perfect--obviously there is no such thing and ours had some issues.
But well, looking back, life seemed mostly pretty grand and I felt pretty lucky, all told.
I knew something was up with H... he was telling me it was work, his new long commute and the financial responsibilities we'd taken on. And I really believed that. H has always had some depression, but he seemed to handle it in his way.
So I guess that is what's been really hard for me. I never felt that unhappiness, only felt that we were more often letting busy life get in the way and needed to refocus on one another.
But mostly, when I sit and think about it, I'm just even more completely amazed that we are here right now. Because there is no good reason for it, really.
Quote: There is an interesting article in O Magazine about love being "all in our heads" this month. Kind of the quantum physics approach to DB, I thought-- that how we think about our partners and our R affects how we experience them, how we act, and how they act too.
I REALLY want to read this!
Quote: So I guess that is what's been really hard for me. I never felt that unhappiness, only felt that we were more often letting busy life get in the way and needed to refocus on one another.
OMG, I know we've discussed this, but once again -- I can SO relate! That's what makes me wonder about H - did I ever really know him? It makes me doubt my intuition and sensitivity to him, something that I usually trust a lot in myself. The only thing I can think is that 1) I took him at his word that he was happy and 2) the whole thing with my dad's terminal illness did something flippy to both of us. Argh!
I'm sorry the odd silence is continuing. You always have something inspiring to say, though. I really admire how you're coping with this Limboland.
Even if your post was harsh (and I didn't think so), don't you think you deserve a forum to say what you really think? That is, among friends?
Sometimes I think we get so caught up in the energy we devote to doing and saying the right things (or not doing/not saying as the case may be) that we neglect to deal with what we're feeling. No wonder we are all so doggone tired!
I'm hereby issuing you a coupon that indicates you deserve some time to care about you and how you feel about things. There's no expiration date, so take as much time as you need.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: So I guess that is what's been really hard for me. I never felt that unhappiness, only felt that we were more often letting busy life get in the way and needed to refocus on one another.
But mostly, when I sit and think about it, I'm just even more completely amazed that we are here right now. Because there is no good reason for it, really.
I think this is why it is so incredibly hard for me to let go and move on... there is NO closure cause there was no "opening". We went from talking to A... and I know we could get IT back if only given the chance, but unfortunately, a stubborn, slow, frightened, confused man holds the keys to opening up conversation.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: The sign is on the back for sure, though! It's really kind of amazing... and kind of fun sometimes.
At the risk of sounding dumb, what does this mean? Enlighten me, o wise one.
I didn't think you're earlier post sounded harsh, I thought it sounded fine. It's tricky territory here. You've travelled so far on your road, and H needs to do a lot of growing to catch up with you. I wish he would have courage and take a leap in the same direction as you! It would so obviously be good for him.
Certainly some self reflection going on here. I agree with a lot of folks here, the feeling of no closure (they won't really talk with us) and the feeling of them being confused (they won't really talk with us) and the feeling of being confused (they won't really talk with us) and the feeling of being helpless (they won't really talk with us). So what is the underlying theme? Hmmm.
I'm not saying its their fault, its our fault or anyone elses. I'm saying we are doing the best we can with the cards that are dealt. It is up to us if we want to play poker or fold. Then it is how are we going to play? If they aren't responsive to our actions (cheseless tunnel), what are the options? What are you willing to live with? What aren't you willing to live with? I suspect you already know these things.
Quote: I'm saying we are doing the best we can with the cards that are dealt.
This is so true!
So many people have told me that it seems like I did everything I could to save the M. I got to the point where I let myself actually believe it. I stopped beating myself up over "woulda/coulda/shoulda" and started to believe that if it was meant to be, then something I tried would have helped things to work out between us!
Make sense? Don't get me worng...I would love closure, but I know now that I will survive without it because it is no longer about me, it is about him. I can't MAKE him face his problems, I can only face my own!
Sorry to sound so "preachy".....
PS...Azure...You know the sign on your back that tells guys you are "single"??!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
As usual, seems I come to the right place with my thoughts.
Quote: I can't MAKE him face his problems, I can only face my own!
I second this, o wise one. And I can't make him face the idea that maybe this is all within his control or that hey, when you stop looking at everything as negative it is amazing what you see. In fact... didn't I give up that behavior?
I have my own courage to deal with and that's enough!
I also can't make H talk to me. Thanks, Seattle and Holdingon for pointing that out. If he doesn't know what to say, well, that's really something for him to be thinking more about, not me. Though I would like to know what made him clam up and whether there is something I contributed to that. Could be that I did.
Anyone up for a pint o' Courage?
Bets, thanks for the coupon. Thank goodness there is no expiry date! I always let them go by! Yes, we all deserve a place where we can give voice to our feelings among friends, otherwise don't we just get ensnared in them?
This week's agenda: bit o'shopping with friends, danskinetics class, trip into the city with friends and all that house maintenance I have been avoiding.
