I'm really sorry for the pain you're in. I've been in your shoes. Except my wife had a long-term physical affair which she confirmed. Perhaps your wife did; perhaps not.
Your wife sounds a lot like mine, and your sitch sounds a lot like mine. Back in 2006/2007, I was posting all over this board on a weekly basis. It really helped to vent, to seek advice, and to listen to some hard truths offered by people farther along the road than I was.
So I'd like to do that for you if you're of a mind to hear it. I don't mean to be rude or put too fine a point on it, but you're doing it wrong.
According to your post she said that you "should do what is best for me and what I want and she will decide when the time comes."
I agree with her. That's what you should do. But you're not. By your own admission your are clingy, needy. That's not a criticism because I did the same thing. I was in incredible pain over what happened just as you seem to be.
The thing I had to learn was that my wife wasn't causing my pain. I was. And you are now causing your own pain. That pain is coming from having needs and hoping she will meet them one day, from being hurt that she won't meet them now, and probably from imagining she has or will meet another man's needs.
It [censored]. It totally [censored]. May be the worst thing I've ever felt in my life. And I'm telling you that it won't get better if you keep doing what you're doing. It won't even get better if she suddenly starts acting like you want her to. You think it will now, but if/when it happens, you might find you have a hard time trusting it, or that it still isn't enough.
The reason for that is, it won't get better until YOU decide to get better.
Whether your wife has made up her mind about her future or not, you only get your well-being back by truly detaching. It doesn't sound to me like you're detached at all.
Just like she was emotionally 'addicted' to her OM, you are addicted (emotionally) to your wife. Everything you experience is filtered through that and your own insecurity over this. Again, I've been there and know how bad it hurts.
Do yourself a favor. Get detached and do the DB stuff. It's not for her and it's not for your marriage. It's for you. If you can truly do it, you will have a much easier time and be much happier regardless of what she does because you will be stronger, more independent, and happy. And a strong, independent, happy, kind man is what any decent woman wants.
If you do those things and she decides to walk away for good, you will get through it much better for yourself and your son, and will be able to live from a position of inner strength which will help you if you decide to have a new relationship down the road. If you do those things and she decides to truly invest in your relationship again, you will be a better mate, happier all around, and confident going into the future.
