Where to begin?

[sandi2]

What are the ages of you and W?

[sandi2]

Seriously though, I have a few questions:
1) How is separation viewed by members here? Is it a trial run for divorce? Does it validate the WAS's feelings that divorce was justified? Does it even help?

How is it viewed? It is what it is. No, it's not necessarily a trial run for D. No, it doesn't validate the WAS's feelings. Yes, sometimes it helps....if they are living in two separate houses. I have not seen successful in-house separation.

2) How is trust regained after an EA? My W still feels that I check up on her and goes out of her way to show me who she is talking to on social media, but still says that there is a trust issue (remember the trust issues from childhood) because I "snooped." So, how do I go about regaining her trust as well as trusting again?

Now get this......the "trust issue" is not hers, it's yours! She is twisting this to make you feel as though you are the guilty party, instead of her. She is your W and there should be no privacy between you. This is WW "script" b/c it is so typical for them to turn it back on the LBH, to get the spotlight off their own wayward behavior. She is the one that cannot be trust!!

The way she earns your trust is to be completely transparent with you. No more secret email accounts, phones, exboyfriends contacting, flirty messaging, etc. You should be able to ask for her phone (without notice) at any given moment. If she tries to delete messages, or won't turn it over.....then you know she's having inappropriate texting. If her phone stays glued to her hand/hip 24/7 and she even sleeps with it, then something is usually going on. The WW is always the one who has to prove she can be trust, b/c she's the one who is having inappropriate messages. When she starts that cr@p about her not being able to trust you b/c you snooped, do not buy into it. Don't step into her spotlight. She will also "use" her childhood experiences to guilt you, whenever she needs to play a card.

3) I know that each situation is different, yet so many that are similar, does detaching actually work out? I read in another thread on here that the poster felt his W was validated in her loneliness feelings after he detached. I am at a crossroads on this one...at some point I feel it may be working and others it seems distant.

Yeah, GAL & detaching actually works! The problem is that most LBH'S won't do it. Guys find excuses by saying it would validate the W, but it's actually that the H is scared!

4)I know about GAL and all that goes with it, but just how does one go about detaching and doing this when the person they love with all their heart is behaving this way?

Cadet sent you links. One of those links explains detaching and how it works. How about reading it?

5) Final question. In relation to a previous post of mine concerning my W having "toys" shipped to a friend's house (not sure if she is having a relationship with her female friend) and the finding of the "toy" in her work bag - is any of this a concern and should it be addressed?????

IMO, it is a concern b/c you know she didn't buy the toys to share with you! Each time you've confronted or "addressed" something with her, how does it usually turn out? She'll twist things around, but she won't tell the truth or take responsibility. She'll lie her way out of it.

IDK, about their friendship status, but I'd guess she had the toys shipped to friend's address to keep you from confronting her about them.

Now, back to what Mr. Bond asked you, what have you done that can be considered DBing?

[Dawgs]

What are the ages of you and W?

I am 45 and my W is 40.

[Dawgs]

Cadet sent you links. One of those links explains detaching and how it works. How about reading it?

I have read them. Admittedly, as you said - I was scared. I have since tried to step back and view things differently. As in I just focus on myself and the kids, and that's it. I am also working on myself - I just got the book "Codependent No More." I know I have control issues (passive) and need to learn to care for myself.

As far as my GAL activities, I have been going to the gym a lot more and have restarted my old hobbies that somehow disappeared since the BD. I try to get out and do things, but at times that is very hard. Honestly, I would rather stay and do something with my kids than be away from them. I don't care if it is playing tea party for the 100th time that day. In reality, I pick them up after work and usually they are in bed 3 hours or so afterwards, so I prefer to spend as much time with them as I can, especially on the weekends.

How is it viewed? It is what it is. No, it's not necessarily a trial run for D. No, it doesn't validate the WAS's feelings. Yes, sometimes it helps....if they are living in two separate houses. I have not seen successful in-house separation.

Unfortunately, in-house separation is all we can do now at least for the next couple of months until she transfers to her new base. So, what I have been doing is this: no texting (when I get the urge to text, I write what I would have said in a journal - may make a nice gift if we reconcile); no physical contact - esp no backrubs!; no phone calls unless necessary; no talk of us or the future; etc. More or less working on our friendship - she said in one of our counseling sessions that I don't know her...

[Thornton]

Hey E,

I know the panic you are experiencing, I really do. It's awful and your mind will run 100mph with thoughts and memories.

I can tell you this, what you are experiencing is normal considering the circumstances. You want to keep your family intact and have a loving attentive wife.

But for right now, she's not there ok? That doesn't mean she won't come back. I'm proof of this DB stuff working.

Re-read Sandi's 37 rules and print them out. Keep them in your car or wherever you can easily access them (DO NOT let your W find them - they are only for you). Re-read those rules every single time you are going to talk to your W.

Right now your W is saying and doing stuff to convince herself that she is doing the right thing. DO NOT argue with her about her feelings or try to convince her that she isn't seeing things clearly. That will only re-enforce her feelings. She has to process this stuff and it's common, very common, for walk-aways to re-write their marital history. It's how they relieve themselves of the guilt of breaking up their family.

In the meantime, you need to become the person that only a fool would leave. What does this person look like? Confident, capable, busy, successful, an AWESOME father, able to stand on his own two feet.

Here's the kicker.. you don't feel like any of this ^ at all right now, do you? You're going to have to fake it in the meantime E. I had to do the same thing.

Anytime I would talk/text/email WAW, I took a moment and calmed myself. I then put on my academy award acting front and acted like I was doing fine (and not in a jerky way). I was friendly but acted like I didn't have too much time to chat because I was going to go do something awesome and I was running a little late.

Does that make sense?

Also, read some of the success stories, every single one of them was devastated at first but had to take the leap of faith to do this DB thing.

Thorn

[Dawgs]

Thank you Thornton,

I really needed to read that. My panic seems to overwhelm me some days, and others not so much. I am trying so hard. I read those 37 over and over and over.

I agree that my W is rewriting our marital history. Sometimes in our counseling sessions I just sit there and shake my head. We have another tonight. Can't wait to see the outcome of this one. Now, I have really been doing the LRTs these past couple of weeks and it seems that she is noticing. But then again, I may be just imagining things again.

I have also really been working on re-gaining my self-confidence, being capable, busy, etc. Being the best father that I can be is the most important thing in my life. You are right, I have been putting on the happy face for a while now - I never let her see the torn up me. I am trying not to be so optimistic, but I swear that may be a candle at the end of the tunnel. Who knows.

I went to my own counselor today and worked on becoming the best man that I can possibly be. Lots of stuff talked about, but I really do feel better about my self and haven been lately.

Thank you again and please keep in touch. Your words are having a much greater effect on me than you know.

Thank you!!!

[sandi2]

More or less working on our friendship

How?

[Dawgs]

Hi Sandi,

By totally removing any R stuff and just focusing on regaining the friendship that we had. Doing stuff together - with kids and without them. Just having fun again. But no R or future or feelings talk.

[Dawgs]

So we had another couples counseling session last night. If y'all remember, in our previous session, the W wanted to go back to separation after stating she was done and going to file during the one before that. Our topic dealt with the separation issue and the counselor asked my W to define what she thought it was.

W didn't really have an answer. So the C suggested a time period (6 months) after which we will come together and test the waters. Also, the C stated that since we are still married and working on ourselves and us, then we should remain committed and not see other people. The W agreed (but it seemed reluctantly) to that. It just seemed that wasn't what she really wanted. Guess we will see.

So that's where we stand now. Separated and working on ourselves and us. More in a bit.

[Dawgs]

This separated and detached is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, bar none. I really want to tell her how I feel and hold her and kiss her, but this is just crazy.

It just seemed like she flipped in her thoughts/feelings since last weeks session in which she gave us hope. In last nights session, she seemed as if she didn't really want to agree to the timeline our MC suggested, and it seemed as if she was also hesitant to agree to remain committed and not see other people, but at least she did. Take it I face value, I guess. She kept saying how she didn't know how we could truly be separated when she was going to be at her new base and come home on weekends to see the kids. I really don't know what to make of it, except I guess to chalk it up to her confusion. The MC really pressed and kept telling her that if she didn't agree to speak up. Guess we will see...

So I am still practicing the LRTs, detachment, etc. this is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.