Seriously though, I have a few questions: 1) How is separation viewed by members here? Is it a trial run for divorce? Does it validate the WAS's feelings that divorce was justified? Does it even help?
How is it viewed? It is what it is. No, it's not necessarily a trial run for D. No, it doesn't validate the WAS's feelings. Yes, sometimes it helps....if they are living in two separate houses. I have not seen successful in-house separation.
Quote:
2) How is trust regained after an EA? My W still feels that I check up on her and goes out of her way to show me who she is talking to on social media, but still says that there is a trust issue (remember the trust issues from childhood) because I "snooped." So, how do I go about regaining her trust as well as trusting again?
Now get this......the "trust issue" is not hers, it's yours! She is twisting this to make you feel as though you are the guilty party, instead of her. She is your W and there should be no privacy between you. This is WW "script" b/c it is so typical for them to turn it back on the LBH, to get the spotlight off their own wayward behavior. She is the one that cannot be trust!!
The way she earns your trust is to be completely transparent with you. No more secret email accounts, phones, exboyfriends contacting, flirty messaging, etc. You should be able to ask for her phone (without notice) at any given moment. If she tries to delete messages, or won't turn it over.....then you know she's having inappropriate texting. If her phone stays glued to her hand/hip 24/7 and she even sleeps with it, then something is usually going on. The WW is always the one who has to prove she can be trust, b/c she's the one who is having inappropriate messages. When she starts that cr@p about her not being able to trust you b/c you snooped, do not buy into it. Don't step into her spotlight. She will also "use" her childhood experiences to guilt you, whenever she needs to play a card.
Quote:
3) I know that each situation is different, yet so many that are similar, does detaching actually work out? I read in another thread on here that the poster felt his W was validated in her loneliness feelings after he detached. I am at a crossroads on this one...at some point I feel it may be working and others it seems distant.
Yeah, GAL & detaching actually works! The problem is that most LBH'S won't do it. Guys find excuses by saying it would validate the W, but it's actually that the H is scared!
Quote:
4)I know about GAL and all that goes with it, but just how does one go about detaching and doing this when the person they love with all their heart is behaving this way?
Cadet sent you links. One of those links explains detaching and how it works. How about reading it?
Quote:
5) Final question. In relation to a previous post of mine concerning my W having "toys" shipped to a friend's house (not sure if she is having a relationship with her female friend) and the finding of the "toy" in her work bag - is any of this a concern and should it be addressed?????
IMO, it is a concern b/c you know she didn't buy the toys to share with you! Each time you've confronted or "addressed" something with her, how does it usually turn out? She'll twist things around, but she won't tell the truth or take responsibility. She'll lie her way out of it.
IDK, about their friendship status, but I'd guess she had the toys shipped to friend's address to keep you from confronting her about them.
Now, back to what Mr. Bond asked you, what have you done that can be considered DBing?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
