Hello my dear Wonder, I indeed liked your joke - thought it was spot on! Re your conversation: Whoa. I still think your H is one of the most confusing on the board. You did a great job on the fly -- perfect! However, I think the most telling part is the end. I'm sure you were right if you thought he sounded emotional. In fact, that sounds like a tip-off as to why he hasn't answered so far -- it's too emotional for him. Nonetheless, again IMHO you should hold out for the answer. You must be thinking WTF?!?! (that is, if you swear like me, LOL). What is this, indeed? Curioser and curioser. Anyway, you done good, sweetie.
Oh, but I didn't understand the computer payments thing. Was he saying you should pay for something he once agreed to pay for?
And the roofer -- score!!
I'm perplexed by my interaction with my H tonight, too. I'll post...
WTF??, indeed! I think the emotion is a tip-off too. I just really don't believe that my H thinks he's doing the right thing, but who knows.
My C seems to think the same thing, but said that answering my question with any kind of real answer is going to require that H ask himself the questions he's been doing all of this to avoid, so not to hold my breath... That it isn't "do I want to be married" but about why he is unhappy in himself, what are his values and what he is looking for by pursuing things that are bringing him and others plenty of pain.
Whatever.
It's that ruby slippers thing again. Yes, they have been on Hs feet this whole damn time. At least I have learned to see mine. That's something big that has come from this for me.
About the money thing-- when H fixed my computer last fall, he could not take a credit card for the parts, so he said "pay him whenever", which we'd dropped when he was going to move home. Now he doesn't want to be reimbursed. I will have a tiny tax refund with which to pay. I think I may pay him anyway.
Quote: My C seems to think the same thing, but said that answering my question with any kind of real answer is going to require that H ask himself the questions he's been doing all of this to avoid, so not to hold my breath... That it isn't "do I want to be married" but about why he is unhappy in himself, what are his values and what he is looking for by pursuing things that are bringing him and others plenty of pain.
Yes, that makes a lot of sense to me. It would explain him getting so emotional on the phone the other day. I think coming up with an answer for you will help him grow, and he will be grateful for that -- at some point! And definitely do not stop breathing while you're waiting!
Quote: Whatever.
You crack me up! What a great segueway.
Quote: It's that ruby slippers thing again. Yes, they have been on Hs feet this whole damn time. At least I have learned to see mine. That's something big that has come from this for me.
Ah, that so true and so poignant. That really nails a lot of what I'm feeling.
Oh, and thanks for explaining the computer thing. I'm glad H wasn't asking you to pay for something anew.
I hope you had a good weekend and were able to do some fun/interesting stuff. I still have to book my tix for coming out your way next month.
I think you did a great job with H!! Interesting about the emotion at the end of the conversation! Sounds like your C gave you some good advice!
I know it is frustrating and we want to "shake" them so they wake up and realize what they are missing by leaving us!!! It is about HIM, though and you can only control yourself ~ That has become my mantra!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Bopping in to let U know I'm still listening and learning from ya -- you're an inspiration.
Wanna let you know that another "old timer" (separated from H over 2.5 years now) is kickin' in your corner. (I post in Hopefulness.)
So: here are tiny pink roses from my newly-blooming rosevine, tied with a satin ribbon.
You sound like me -- recovering! You sound pretty independent these days -- way to go!
Me too. I re-did the house, the yard, the wardrobe -- without H's input -- and I'm mostly happy.
I've learned to manage the pain, when it comes. And it's not as intense as it was. I've moved on.
Still have tears, ya know?
But it's miraculous how letting my H go has allowed him to grow -- allowed him to stumble and make an utter fool of himself -- and he IS coming around to making amends -- in his own way.
Maybe your H is, too?
Right now I'm into allowing MYSELF the same room. I'm allowed to make a few stupid mistakes and grow. I am truly free -- (well not yet divorced, but free from my emotional ADDICTION to my H and our drama).
Because of my commitment to DB-ing I have been BEHAVING LIKE a clear-headed, loving, mostly jovial, mostly upbeat person. Try to be light-hearted. Try to laugh a lot. Keep the focus on my own magic & dreams, ya know?
(Of course some days I can only do it cuz "the show must go on" and backstage have a sob. You know.)
So altogether now -- let's take a bow and drink in the applause. Good show!
Now I better stop before I hijack any more of your thread. Just want to offer my support and say I'm proud of you.
Head high -- you're a BIG winner. And an inspiration. Remember, U are not alone.
I got your joke, but I haven't been checking in or posting much lately... and thank you for coming to my defense! KAW, she's right: I'm not bashing anyone here. And besides, I happen to like genitalia ( ) but it's what goes along with those pesky body parts--namely testosterone.
I really like men, and am not a male basher. Ask my office full of men...
Wonder, GREAT job of stating a boundary with your H--in regards to telling him you don't appreciate his ASSumption that you lied. You did a "wonder-ful" job stating what you were feeling without attacking him.
About item 5 - do you suppose he put off talking about that subject because he really has nothing substantive to say about it? That is, he doesn't really have concrete justification with proceeding full speed ahead?
I dunno.... but he does seem to be as wishy washy as mine. "No, I don't want a divorce, but I really don't want to work at loving you again."
KAW, for the record, I've been reading your posts and wish you and CAW the best. I hope her health scare is behind you? You should be pleased to know that when people address the LBS as being women (off the BB, of course), I'm quick to point out that many men are in the same boat. We're an equal opportunity group, aren't we?
Something that Mike (Pandamoses) posted to me awhile back, and has been mulling around inside my skull of rocks for a bit: just because they haven't chosen us and being M to us doesn't mean that they are in a fog. There is a good chance that we need to CONSIDER that they have chosen, by free will, not to love us anymore.
Wonder, I can honestly say for all of us (especially you and Azure): too bad for them. You're a wise and wonderful lady. And I think the roofer will agree with me!
Go get 'em, tiger!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Lovely Azure, thanks for (as usual!) understanding just how I'm feeling and giving me the vote of confidence. Will you have time to visit when you head this way?
SS is back from sunny FLA!! I like your mantra and am going to adopt it for my own. I did a really good "stop sign" the other night and thought of you! My stop sign inspiration girl.
Betsey, I'll defend you anyday! My H was in a fog for a good long while... it was hard to miss. But yes, at some point they make choices... and to love your S is a choice.
I had to make the choice myself. There was a point at which I thought those feelings would never come back... yet when I started healing and decided to love to him, they did. And yes, I do have to CONSIDER that H may be choosing not to love me (personally, I might say that's not the best choice available, LOL) yet from our conversations, I suspect that he would frame it more as a feeling than a choice.
I could be wrong about that, though. Wouldn't be the first time...
BRIDGET, how nice to have you stop by... I read your thread often and think, wow, that girl has it so together. Your post made me all teary and warm at the same time.
Dropping the emotional attachment is what helped me grow too... though I've been guilty of picking it back up off the ground a few times here and there... and I harbor sneaking hopes that letting go is doing the same kind of growth magic on my H.
But yeah, things are mostly good in my corner of the world. I have so much to be thankful for every single day. And I love so much about my life. It's not perfect, but it's what I make it every day.
Like you say, Bridget, I am focusing on my own magic and dreams... and being sure to give back whenever I can.
I hope H chooses to stumble back in his way. I will CONSIDER that.
Interesting how I can feel so full of optimism, for me and for my future, even when (like today) I get all teary in the pharmacy just because I hear "the song". My intuition is telling me a lot of good things.
Recovering. Moving forward. Clicking my heels together and really *knowing* there is no place like home. I guess that is where I am today. Would be nicer to share that, but right now it is all mine.
What an inspiring post, Wonder!!! (((((WONDER))))) I am a little down tonightt after signing taxes and your post just lifted me!!!
Quote: And yes, I do have to CONSIDER that H may be choosing not to love me
I think this is definitely the case with my H. I like to believe that if he LET himself he could/would love me again. I think that is why he is so afraid to let his guard down too much with me....It's like we are KRYPTONITE!!!!!!!!!
Quote: Interesting how I can feel so full of optimism, for me and for my future, even when (like today) I get all teary in the pharmacy just because I hear "the song".
Same here~ I guess we have to expect to still feel the pain every once in a while or we wouldn't be human!I am so glad to have soooo many more good times than bad at this point!
Quote: Recovering. Moving forward. Clicking my heels together and really *knowing* there is no place like home. I guess that is where I am today. Would be nicer to share that, but right now it is all mine
Now there is a mantra!!! You go girl!!!!!!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
I too, am moving forward! My chat with T2 gave me new life! I'm no longer so depressed that I can't see happiness! I'm no longer going to be a doormat! I'm going to take control of my life!
If H chooses to join me someday, maybe I'll let him! LOL. In the meantime, I'm going to look out for me and my D.
Of course we will always remember, we will always feel some pain. It is normal and yes like sun says; we are human and we know we are alive; we have feelings!
I'm no longer trapped by what my H does, I'm on the road to detaching; once again. I don't think of it as loosing something, but gaining something; me!
I continue following your sitch and want to commend you for all your continued strength. I think taking good care of YOU, is the key right now, and you are doing it. Just focus on YOU one day at a time. You are teaching us a lot in the way you handle each sitch with your H. Why can't they let their guard down and be honest....too much d@m* pride, I guess. Too bad for them in the long run.
It is about HIM, though and you can only control yourself ~ That has become my mantra! 
) but it's what goes along with those pesky body parts--namely testosterone.
