Six to Nine

[mahhhty]

Alright Lost.. Here is the letter. In reading it, perhaps I haven't dropped the rope completely. I honestly don't know.

I had many other paragraphs in there about her piece of our demise, lack of communication, waywardness, etc. I removed all of this and kept it about me. I wonder if in doing so, am I giving her the ammunition to say "It was all your fault, I truly am a victim." And does that even matter?

Anyone, everyone, please feel free to comment. I am a big boy and can take any type of criticism.



XW,

A person who loves their spouse does not do anything unloving or unkind in manner, word or action. Love is what love does. I was oblivious to your pain and its depth, trivialized your perspective, and was consumed with distractions, hence withdrawn, amped up and overly critical.

As I am sure you felt, lying next to each other became the loneliest place in the world. I am sorry for those things and more.

Divorce is an individual problem. It cannot be generalized. Of course, for some there should never be a marriage. For others, divorce is no more a solution than marriage for a lonely person. For me, it is unfortunate that your actions, not your words, were the catalyst I needed for personal growth. I lost my way and myself. I focused on being a victim of circumstance in a situation I couldn’t change or control, rather than being in control of my happiness and my life. I felt entitled to happiness, and expected it to happen to me without work or effort. Obviously, that is a ridiculous notion. Animosity and fear were in my closet, both on an individual level and as a partner, preventing me from confronting our issues with empathy and compassion. I was constantly felt my solutions were the only way and the right way, I kept score, felt unappreciated, unloved and unwanted. My lack of compassion, empathy, and forgiveness imprisoned me in a physical and emotional rut, which was like a cloud of grey over me.

I fully acknowledge and understand that you were deeply hurt. After all a woman, who historically disliked changed, sought for the largest changes possible for a family. On some level I’m sure there are actions, stories, conversations, people and/or events that supported the belief that divorce was your key to happiness. I don’t know if I will ever fully understand your perspective or timeline. Your reasons are yours, it no longer matters what my opinion of these things may or may not be. You do not make me happy, sad or angry, those are my feelings to deal with. I’ve worked through that hurt at my own speed and in my own way.

Why this letter? Why now? I started this letter the night you moved out. I waited in an attempt to ensure that it found you at a time where it could be viewed as a compassionate letter from someone who cared deeply for you, and not as a ploy for anything but that.

I know what we shared. I need no validation or concurrence to know that we had something most only hope to find. We were better together than we could have been apart. We were puzzle pieces. It came so natural for me to love you since that crisp fall night. Being a partner, being a parent, being overly career oriented, and working through the toughest stage of the marriage map did not come natural to me. My intention was to know you everyday for the rest of your life, to give you the best of me everyday, and for you to be proud of your life and ours. I wanted to contribute to your happily ever after. Having a family. Writing a book. Going to Fiji. Anything and everything. Similarly, you were the only one I wanted to be a part of mine. These intentions were exploited by real life and real issues, which exemplified the lack of relationship skills necessary to nurture us through the toughest times.

It could be said that we know nothing of each other now, if not for the children we would have no relationship whatsoever. Certainly on some level that is true, which I find saddening.

My hope for you is that you live life to the fullest, love and trust with every fiber of your being, that you confront your fears, and laugh with your whole body each and every day… “Live as much as you can, because you need something to write about.”

Sincerely,
mahhhty