There are just some days where I feel like giving up. I mean, I love my W more than life itself and have since the beginning all those years ago. I guess that's one reason why I still can't understand her wanting a divorce. Her reasons that we grew apart and such. I know that her childhood played a large part in the state of things now - all those self protective walls built up. In our counseling sessions, she talked of when she is done in a relationship, she is done and that's it - no going back. In her words, no second chances.
I know that her anxiety, depression, and all the other issues play a part in things. I get that. I know that she was under incredible stress at work and that played a part. I get that. What I don't understand is just how our R got to this point. As others have said before in various threads, the WAW will twist the history of the M into whatever suits her - and that is what is happening now.
I just don't know how to deal with things and, quite honestly, so damn scared of losing her that I don't know what to do. After the initial BD, she was angry and treated me like shite. Then, a few weeks later, she agreed to counseling and we have been ever since (we are on #2 now). Things would go good and we would finally get closer, then she would withdraw. Then good. Then withdraw. Then, after a stupid argument, she went into the next session and announced she is done and filing. Says all kind of stuff including the famous "I may be making the biggest mistake of my life" and such. Then I go full LRT and the very next week at counseling she reverses course and wants to go back to separation.
So that's where we stand now. Full separation. Still in the same house. I am trying the LRTs but it is so difficult to do - and with my own anxiety and stuff just piling the craziness on.
I am just so tired of her saying stuff like "well, for the past xx years you never..." When will that stop?? Its funny, some of it is true and some of it is not. It seems like so much stuff was conveniently forgotten or twisted.
I am trying so hard to work on my self. I know I need help, but this road is almost too tough. I know I am clingy. I know I am a pursuer. I know I am passive aggressive in a lot of things. I know that I am a passive controller. I just don't know how to change those things. My counselors have tried to help but I just don't know what to do.
Any advice or words of wisdom?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
