he might be shy of responding because he feels he would be obligated to respond to the big question out there. He is likely in his cave. Give him time to come out and don't be waiting by the door (email about insurance $).
I know to you thats not what you intended by your email but remember it is not how we see things, it is how they see things. Speak in his language, at his time, at his place, and on his agenda. One sided very true, but plenty of time to find balance later.
Quote: want to finish everything so I can go play with my friends on Friday night and finally work in that aromatherapy facial.
Sounds like somebody is getting a life!!!!!!!
You go , girl!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Quote: he might be shy of responding because he feels he would be obligated to respond to the big question out there. He is likely in his cave. Give him time to come out and don't be waiting by the door (email about insurance $).
Seattle, do you mean I shouldn't have sent the email? Hmmm. What should I do? H can pay his insurance bill by online transfer, no contact with me required. And H knows I literally do not have the money to cover it (comes out of my check) unless I stop paying my own basic bills-- that is why we made the agreement we did. I certainly wouldn't care if I actually had the money somewhere. So I'm not sure how to handle this... he can be in the cave, certainly he needs that sometimes as I've (yes, too slowly) learned.
Quote: I have found that it is when you detach from the drama of our H, be their friend and become independent, that makes them start looking at us as wonder women!
I think this is really true. This is exactly what worked for me to draw H back too... but I'm so stumped with the rest. Have to say, though, this has always puzzled me a bit too because I have always been very independent--even all through our M-- and I never stopped that. It is one of the things that attracted H and he has mentioned it drew him home too... but it's also one of the things that got us here. I think my H might like independence in theory more than in reality... and I might be a little "too" independent in some ways.
But then, my H is in many ways a lot more like Venus than Mars these days, except for the cave bit. And I am the one prone to proposing solutions instead of listening to the feelings.
Hey SS! You're right about that. This girl has a pretty good life going, really. Plus I'm learning to play poker on Friday...
Quote: I think my H might like independence in theory more than in reality... and I might be a little "too" independent in some ways.
That is so interesting....I had a conversation about this with my counselor a while back. she thought I was too independent and didn't make H feel "needed" enough -UGH!!!
Poker, huh? very cool!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
A very fine line indeed we stagger along. WA's on one edge and a life on the other. Trying to find a balance, a center, a calm. Trying to find a revive an M, the WAS seems to have left behind.
I called H about the insurance and he transferred the money immediately. Said he'd forgotten (no mention of my email reminding him). H apologized. As I was about to end the call, H asked if I'd "made progress" with the papers. I said yes, I'd made progress and H started peppering me with Qs about when I'd mailed them, etc. Like this was the best thing he'd heard all day.
I told him I felt it was inappropriate to pressure me about these papers without answering my Qs about why he was making the decision. It just came out. We talked a bit and it wasn't a great conversation. I was upset afterwards.
Later I called him back and said I wanted to be sure we communicated what we were trying to given that H was at work-- not a good time for us to talk because neither of us gets the attention we deserve. H agreed.
I let H know that I understand his tendency to withdraw and sort things out is just part of who he is, that it's OK to just tell me that is what he needs to do-- that it's fine to say you don't know what to say right now, you need to think on this, etc. H seemed to appreciate this and said he will "remember this" with me in the future, all he has to do is say.
I said I had no idea why H was making this decision given where we'd been the past 5 months. H said "maybe it's not for you to understand."
I also said what I've said on this thread-- that if he walks away from M, I do want him to walk away knowing how much he is loved, how important H and M have been to me. I was careful to say this in a way that did not sound pleading or emotional, just compassionate.
We've talked about this subject often because not knowing if he was loved "enough" was what he said when he moved out, so I thought it was OK to say it now. H was a bit emotional hearing it.
H later said we should talk more and that he will give me a call next week when he's in a better place emotionally. I was accomodating.
Other than this, I had a very busy week and had a mostly fun weekend. The facial and having good laughs with friends was just what this girl needed!
I'm hoping for a hairpin turn in this sitch-- I admit it. There have been many and H doesn't sound to me to be at all sure of why he's doing this.
But in the meantime, spring is here! My flowers are blooming... and life is generally good, even if the emotional waters are kind of turbulent.
I'm finally all caught up from the last time I dropped by ... altho I didn't mind missing the male genitalia bashing
... and (This goes to Betsy & Lee too) I don't think the objective is to resign to taking back a broken man, but to believe what is broke will be fixed again! As a once "broken" man myself, I can say to you ... We have the technology! If H's choose to, they can become six-million dollar men! So let's see ... that means I still have $5,997,342 left on my payments.
If it helps wonder, I too, am baffled as to why H is being so elusive about the reasons for his recent actions. It does make me ponder if H is acting more on gut feelings out of fear than from mental reasoning? Oops! ... I forgot, ours is not to ponder why, for that is nothing more than crazymaking!
Quote: H said "maybe it's not for you to understand."
Let's hope H has a change in mind about this. If not, you could mention you're hoping it might help bring you peace of mind.
Glad you are enjoying the weekend. Need time for you.
Quote: I also said what I've said on this thread-- that if he walks away from M, I do want him to walk away knowing how much he is loved, how important H and M have been to me. I was careful to say this in a way that did not sound pleading or emotional, just compassionate.
I think many if not all the WA's have convinced themselves we do not "love" them or need them. No matter what happens, I do think it is important we convey this. I know I have not told W in a VERY long time, but I also feel she would not be receptive, but I have to say it for my peace of mind and as you said, let her know how I feel.
I expressed it a few times early in the crisis in letters. Is this a good idea? Or is it better said. And of course, do not expect a response, certainly, not a postive one.
Quote: I don't think the objective is to resign to taking back a broken man, but to believe what is broke will be fixed again! As a once "broken" man myself, I can say to you ... We have the technology! If H's choose to, they can become six-million dollar men!
You're quite right, of course. I have no intentions of living with a man who wants to be broken... my H is quite capable of being the $6 million man, maybe even $12 million. He knows his way around the technology too, LOL.
Quote: It does make me ponder if H is acting more on gut feelings out of fear than from mental reasoning?
My feelings too. I'll try not to think about it though... as we all know, fear is the killer as well as the crazymaker!
B, sometimes there is some truth in that WAS talk about not feeling loved. A lot of the time their interpretations stem, I think, from their own issues and past, but when H and I talked about it, which we have at length, he was able to see where he was misunderstanding and making assumptions and I was able to see the places where I was not giving in his LLs but in mine... and we were able to see some places where other things (lifestyle, medical issues) played a role in how he was feeling.
For us, those were some great conversations and my occasionally reminding H in words and being consistent in my actions regarding this has usually been received in the way it's meant. Timing is really critical though.
Sorry you had to step around the genitalia bashing, guys. But Betsey did make an exception for you all. Besides, we're fine with the genitalia, really. It's the other parts...
well... seems no one liked my joke? I am used to that.
Update: After one week of silence, heard from H today. I think I was pretty good on the fly too.
1. H called me on my work phone, something he never does unless he wants to actually get me and not leave a VM.
2. H had answers to questions I asked a week ago. H doesn't feel he needs me to pay for my computer repairs now that I will be getting $ to pay for them. Also H needs info on his unregistered truck at the house in order to get it moved per my request and his plan. I agreed to send it to him. H said I could drive up and get it, or you could give it to me. I said fine, would be happy to it for him, not a problem at all. All very pleasant and chatty.
3. Then, H says: "So did you lie to me about sending those papers back?" Apparently his atty. hasn't received them yet. So I answered no and then told him I didn't appreciate being spoken to that way. H apologized, saying he hadn't meant to infer he thought I was lying, and noted that I have never lied to him in all the years he has known me. I thanked him for saying that and he said it was a good thing to be proud of. He wondered about the slow mail and I casually said I couldn't help out there. I mean, what can I do?
4. H dropped the topic and talked about my web site. He's having some issues with it and we talked about solutions, other options. He offered more help.
5. H asked how I was, what was going on with me. I said things were good, except for client falling through. H was very supportive, said maybe it would be delayed and not completely lost. Some chit-chat.
5. Right as we were about to end, I mentioned he'd skipped the one question he had mentioned getting back to me this week about (why he now wants a D after 5 months of "a D is wrong thing for us to do" and is going light-speed at it). At first, he seemed confused, and then said it wasn't something he could discuss right then and thought it was not something I could talk about at work.
I agreed, said I wasn't suggesting that at all. I understand.
I wished him a great night and not to work too hard. I swear his voice totally changed around then. He was emotional and got very quiet. Obviously I can't see him through the phone, but he sounded like he had gotten pretty choked up.
What IS this???
wonder
p.s. Oh, and get this: the charming and flirty roofer guy gave me a good discount on my roof repairs today... he actually came back in after leaving to tell me he was lowering his price???
If H's choose to, they can become six-million dollar men! 
It does make me ponder if H is acting more on gut feelings out of fear than from mental reasoning? Oops! ... I forgot, ours is not to ponder why, for that is nothing more than crazymaking!