Losers: Wayward Wife & LRT (9)

[asitis]

Agree. Never lose sight of you not initiating R talk, not trying to provoke some change in spouse in one particular action (hail Marys), etc.

That said, you might start off with a reflection. I'm really impressed with us that during this very stressful time that we can sit down together like this and just talk. I really have to say that I respect you, me, and our R that we are able to do this at this time. I couldn't have imagined 4 or 6 months ago being good with just sitting down to do this. You started a conversation that I wasn't even aware that we needed to have. And it has been a time of growth for both of us, even while it has been painful at times. Look at how far we've come sitting here like this. I'm just really impressed with both of us. Has anything surprised you about all this?

Even if she doesn't bite that hook, you've shown respect, you've called attention to something you value in her, you've called attention subtly that you work well together to be able to do this (and you should notice that many, many couples at the stage where you are could not do what you are doing). You've also signalled that you are OK and that she is free to open up without worrying that you will be reactive rather than responding healthily. If she does open up about something she is surprised by, you get a chance to listen and validate, and continue the conversation on a positive or empathy-building line of discussion. This is part of what my DB coach had me do, and her rationale was very strong and reasonable.

Now, I want to warn you that W may drop another bomb on you during this meeting. She may be setting you up to assuage her guilt and tell you something painful in a safe place. You have to be prepared for that, and go into it with a detachment that no matter what she says, you are OK with it. Your life goes on (this is done by not reacting rather than stating you are fine and focused on your life - she won't believe you). You also - and many guys need this as we are often unaware that due to male-female socialization we don't do this - make a safe space for her to express her needs and desires. So,don't focus on the content of what she might hit you with. Your focus is how to show her with your calm, detached, understanding, validating new you, that she is safe to voice her wants and needs with you. With DBing, it is not the content of what they say, but the skillful process you model in your new self, that allows her to express her needs, be heard and understood, and to be free to make her own decisions.

For many men (and some women), this is very tough to do. You are showing through actions that you are someone she can be vulnerable with, take a risk (which leads to vulnerability), and that you respect her, her boundaries, ability to choose for herself, and fix her own issues rather than you stepping in to tell her (even if very subtly - & from experience, many men do this) what she should do as if she were a child and you the parent.

Listen, validate, detach. Lather, rinse, repeat. You are to the point where I know you can pull this off.

Finally, when she opens up, try to imagine things from her perspective, even if you disagree with her ultimately. She doesn't really care what you say. She cares that you are someone she can see getting her needs met and fears addressed. So, focus on process at least as much as the content of what she says. You can figure the latter out after the fact, including her.