So go as dark as possible as soon as possible? How about packing and helping her move. I have heard a few success stories when this was done and the h was a rock. I could be way off base and not in the same situation.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I am really interested to get some thoughts on how to move forward with lrt when she moves. Do I go as dark as possible with dealing with the kids?
I believe the sooner she has a more realistic view of her life without you in it, the better. As long as you play the friend, handyman, escort, babysitter, etc., the longer it will take her to see. That's one reason to make yourself unavailable to her. Some women are so use to their H's being there for whatever they need, they think it will continue after the D. They need a reality shock.
So how do I go about this right now while we are still under the same roof? Then when she moves how do act then? I do have moments when I feel ok about the separation then other times I feel I am going to collapse. I know the actions I take need to be for me but I am having a hard time doing that currently. When I do I feel good and can tell she is agitated with me doing things for myself. Or she is just thinking more of the usual.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
That's a hard question otw. I have been GAL a lot just to get away and burning myself out. Started slowing down this week, and to be honest, I don't think H even notices. He is truly in his own world. I guess just keep reminding yourself that she is just a room mate or neighbor and hold no expectations. Sometimes when I feel like I am going to "mess up" I think about how it will sound when I post it here and I want to sound strong, so I choose the option that I will make me feel proud to post. Its like playing a mind game with myself but it works.
That's a hard question otw. I have been GAL a lot just to get away and burning myself out. Started slowing down this week, and to be honest, I don't think H even notices. He is truly in his own world. I guess just keep reminding yourself that she is just a room mate or neighbor and hold no expectations. Sometimes when I feel like I am going to "mess up" I think about how it will sound when I post it here and I want to sound strong, so I choose the option that I will make me feel proud to post. Its like playing a mind game with myself but it works.
I get what you are saying but sometimes it seems everyone on here wants us to act a certain way regardless of what we see or experience. Never show a moment of weakness and follow the rules to the fullest. I have read many different reconciliation stories and none are the same. Some act as best friends others go completely dark. I know everyone here actually wants the best for each other, not as much as for ourselves but I sometimes feel I am trying to show my wife something and the people here. I hope no one takes this the wrong way because it is very helpful getting others thoughts and experiences. I wouldn't trade anything I have heard or learned here either. Feel like I rambling because we all would love a real solid solution and a fix. But we know the truth.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Some act as best friends others go completely dark
Hi otw, thanks for stopping by my thread today and for your words of encouragement. Our situations are very similar (minus the kids). I've been on here since May and while I hardly consider myself and expert, I do have a feeling that the general consensus on this board, especially from actual WW's like Sandi, is that you do not want to be friends with your WW. It's hard to accept, but she fired you as her H. Do you really want to settle for the friend role? Me neither with my WW. I have gone dark, but it's easier for me with no kids. Despite my going dark, WW has not responded one way or the other. We are scheduled to be D'd in a couple of weeks.
Question: has your W specifically said that she wants to remain friends with you throughout the separation or after D?
If you go dark, there's no telling how your W will respond, but you go dark and detach for you, not to get a reaction out of her. Time to let go. I know, easier said than done.
Me: 34 W: 30 Together: 11 years Married: 4 years BD: 4/2014 A Discovered: 5/2014 WW Filed: 7/2014 Separated: 8/2014 Divorced: 10/2015
She has not made the statement to remain friends. She has said things about being the best parents together. As much as I know the going dark I originally thought was a tactic to get her back (and still hope to a degree) I do see it will be for me. I have been thinking the past few days that going through all this build up for her to leave after so long is worse than her just Leaving in the beginning would have been. I need the time to put her out of sight and out of mind to heal. So is that the answer?
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
As much as I know the going dark I originally thought was a tactic to get her back (and still hope to a degree) I do see it will be for me.
It's kind of both, in my opinion.
On the one hand, for her to really give R a consideration, I think it's necessary that she lives her life without you. I dont think if you remain friends through this that she will ever experience the "loss" would help break the "fog".
On the other hand, going dark by itself is not really a oslution to win her back. It's not like you hide out in a closet for 6 months, and she comes running back to you. The process of going dark allows you to start implementing change without 1) feeling like you need to show off every little thing, 2) pressuring her to notice changes, 3) adjusting your goals based on her, and so on. Basically, it allows you to mold yourself as YOU want and not as you think would please HER.
As much as I know the going dark I originally thought was a tactic to get her back (and still hope to a degree) I do see it will be for me.
It's kind of both, in my opinion.
On the one hand, for her to really give R a consideration, I think it's necessary that she lives her life without you. I dont think if you remain friends through this that she will ever experience the "loss" would help break the "fog".
On the other hand, going dark by itself is not really a oslution to win her back. It's not like you hide out in a closet for 6 months, and she comes running back to you. The process of going dark allows you to start implementing change without 1) feeling like you need to show off every little thing, 2) pressuring her to notice changes, 3) adjusting your goals based on her, and so on. Basically, it allows you to mold yourself as YOU want and not as you think would please HER.
Understood. I know everything i am doing currently i play out to see what she will think of it. once the move happens that will not be the case. I know it will be very hard at first then get easier for me. Getting over the hump of the reality is the hard part. I dont have a doubt that i will be ok in the long run, but i do want to give this every chance while i still feel i want it to work. only time will tell now. thank you all
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
That's a hard question otw. I have been GAL a lot just to get away and burning myself out. Started slowing down this week, and to be honest, I don't think H even notices. He is truly in his own world. I guess just keep reminding yourself that she is just a room mate or neighbor and hold no expectations. Sometimes when I feel like I am going to "mess up" I think about how it will sound when I post it here and I want to sound strong, so I choose the option that I will make me feel proud to post. Its like playing a mind game with myself but it works.
I get what you are saying but sometimes it seems everyone on here wants us to act a certain way regardless of what we see or experience. Never show a moment of weakness and follow the rules to the fullest. I have read many different reconciliation stories and none are the same. Some act as best friends others go completely dark. I know everyone here actually wants the best for each other, not as much as for ourselves but I sometimes feel I am trying to show my wife something and the people here. I hope no one takes this the wrong way because it is very helpful getting others thoughts and experiences. I wouldn't trade anything I have heard or learned here either. Feel like I rambling because we all would love a real solid solution and a fix. But we know the truth.
I feel exactly the same way. I think the bottom line is that you have to do what is working. If what you are getting results doing it "your" way, go for it. I have strayed many times from the DB strategy. And what I am noticing more and more, is that I do best when I stick to it. Although I have not yet done it 100%, I will get close and then realize I am not really detached, or I realize I am pursuing. And for me, nothing really works, I am in the same position I was in marriage-wise 7 months ago, but I feel better about myself when I DB.
