Quote: They had already detached from the marriage emotionally, the only thing left is to make it official.
This is accurate. I can see she detached emotionally & physically a long time ago. So I can understand the next step is to make it official, if there is nothing left.
I cannot begin to understand the pain and emotion you are going through with H. I would have to agree with your assesment, he was not behaving the way you were used to and it would be scary, for everyone.
I saw none of that. She simply detached and walked away from the situation with very little emotion. I have seen a litle (very) in C. But none outside. She made a decision and acted on it.
Quote: I do sense you're doing a lot of making everything your W is doing about you and it sounds to me like it's more about her.
I understand intellectually, as you do about your H, this is all about her. But emotionally I keep wallowing in the impact it has had on me and the children. I recognize this; I need to figure how to get past it, SOON.
I hope no matter what happens, you and your H are able to find peace. I suspect you will; you are strong. Thanks as always for helping me see.
Betsey, I've asked that question too. A lot. H has also asked me that question. My answer is yes... I do. IF he is willing to do his part in the R and for himself. He didn't end up here intentionally, I believe that.
BUT... as Shirley Glass says in her book (which is very insightful), guilt and self-pity are good for about 5 minutes. Then you need to pack it away and start making reparations for your behavior. That feeling guilty is often used as a way to avoid changing the behavior that you know needs to change. That's where we've been for months. I am not willing to stay in that place and if H is, then that's the dealbreaker, obviously.
I hope I don't paint a terrible picture as before this crisis, my H was a devoted H and my best friend in the world. He is a deeply emotional and sensitive man with amazing talents and resourcefulness and a clever sense of humor. He's playful and one of the sexiest and the smartest people I know, though he doesn't seem to see himself that way. He's got plenty of good qualities. He's also got some stuff to deal with
We haven't had a truly negative interaction in at least 9 months. And that was one I am responsible for. Before that it was 5 months without one.
Azure, I've wondered about a mediator. I did meet a long while back with 2 diff. attys. back when I thought I would file myself, so I know the basic rights stuff, but I wonder whether a mediator wouldn't make more sense for us. Both of the attys told me not to file unless I knew that I wanted my H out of my life for good... so I didn't.
Nita, I've been separated on the whole 2 years, though it doesn't seem that long. In that time H has moved home twice and moved out of OWs two additional times with the goal of coming home.
180s for me now would be letting go completely for more than 2 weeks, being nonchalant about a D and moving forward with it, remaining Hs friend while that happens. Another 180 would be eliminating H completely from my life. Either one would be a big one.
IMHO, you should at least contact an atty. I called a friend who is an atty and she recommended a very nice guy who didn't push a D at all, yet told me what my rights were, etc.... overall I had a very pleasant (well, as pleasant as it could be...) experience with my atty. Maybe you can find someone like that??
As far as the "alien" behavior......I believe that they really truly go through a personality change. It is alien to us because they are not acting like the person we married!
Are they thinking clearly?? Not sure. I think, like Bluekeys said, they are so fueled by guilt and the need to run that all they can focus on is the D.
Your H and mine both have dysfuntional families and I think that had a lot to do with their behaviors too. I wonder if H will EVER go back to the man I married. Part of me hopes he doesn't since chances are, he won't be with me!
Which leads me to your next discussion topic.......do we want them back?? I ask myself that all the time and I think I would want the H that I originally fell in love with, not the one I am dealing with mow. Not sure if that is even possible, but this man I see now is a shell of the man I married...pretty sad, huh??!
I like your 180s....I would try to start with the first few before compelely eliminating H from your life!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Quote: Which leads me to your next discussion topic.......do we want them back?? I ask myself that all the time and I think I would want the H that I originally fell in love with, not the one I am dealing with mow.
This definitely becomes a question after a while. Why does DBing seem to walk so many fine lines? At first you can't live without them and have to seem as though you can. Through working on yourself and your PMA and making progress, you then can get frustrated with your spouse's slow progress. Someone once noted here on the BB that at first you're so far behind them, but you're in so much pain you work really hard to get out of it. Then at some point you pass them, or at least get glimmers of what that might be like. Then you are again walking a thin line, trying not to detach so much that you don't care, because it's so painful to try to be friends with them and watch their stumbling efforts and listen to them continuing to be hurtful. I love my H and I want him to CATCH THE HELL UP! Or I'm going to get too far away from him.
Can you tell I'm a bit melancholy tonight? Maybe this is just my mood. Hope I'm not hijacking, Wonder!
Wonder....you are really asking yourself important questions. I think I agree with SS...at least try your 180s before putting h completely out of your life. Remember....it is YOUR LIFE to live....you can only take care of and control yourself. You have come so far, and helped so many of us. Drop the rope completely...wait...get busy...get distracted...find fun...and move forward.
Let go....LET GOD (he is right there ready to help you out).
Oh thank you all for your kind words and good insight!! ((((((((((EVERYONE)))))))))))
I feel like my wagon hit a pretty reactive pothole. But I have the tires fixed and am rolling slowly along.
Quote: Then you are again walking a thin line, trying not to detach so much that you don't care, because it's so painful to try to be friends with them and watch their stumbling efforts and listen to them continuing to be hurtful. I love my H and I want him to CATCH THE HELL UP! Or I'm going to get too far away from him.
Oh, you said it Azure! This is how I'm feeling these days too. (You're never hijacking!)
I'm still in this weird semi-dark state. No word on my web site, no word from H at all.
I'm also feeling annoyed with H right now because he has disregarded our agreement to reimbuse me for his health insurance this month... leaving me with a hole in my checkbook that he well knows I can't make up right now.
Not even a note or call to say he's strapped for cash or can I wait a week or anything. No acknowledgement. I did send him a quick email about it--giving him the full benefit of the doubt and not allowing myself to be even annoyed at that point because he said he's been very busy and I have too, so I can relate to things slipping by.
But no response to that even, and it was a very friendly email. Giving more doubt, it's possible that he has not read email, but he still knows what our agreement is and what day it is. (OK...venting done now)
Also, did not land the big client I was hoping to land this week, so that's a bit disappointing...but got a new lead as well.
I will likely be off the BB a lot this week since I'm swamped work-wise and want to finish everything so I can go play with my friends on Friday night and finally work in that aromatherapy facial.
Found someone over in MLC forum that is getting her H back! You know what he told her? That it was the changes she made in her that made him take notice and want to come back! her name is lost_girl. She is not so lost anymore!
Since I have volunteered to do the success stories and I'm always searching out new ones coming up, I have found that it is when you detach from the drama of our H, be their friend and become independent, that makes them start looking at us as wonder women!
I do frown at "dating" as this can backfire on some. But the illusion of going out and doing, is ok, LOL.
Work on you, list what you want to change and work on it, show your H you can move forward, even if it is without him.
