Alligator Love

[Zues126]

Thanks Julie. I made it through the day. Since Sunday at 9PM until now I've been working non-stop and then scooped up my kids and had the evening with them. Now to get them to school in the AM, then work, then I'll have a casual evening. Light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't know about the drama either, but it means less and less to me. I am grateful I don't have any feelings for this person anymore. This has nothing to do with wanting D or wanting R or anything...I don't think feelings are a good judge of whether you are done standing by your M or not. But it's a blessing to not feel love towards someone that you can't allow in your life. It's been a relief to not feel that anymore.

Don't get me started about how I feel about the courts endorsement of D. And societies. I guess it all comes back to the people. The laws just reflect what people want. And people want the right to do their own thing. Personal freedom is the religion of the USA. Don't get in their way. OK, I'll stop on this topic before I get wound up.

But it does tie into my feelings about boundaries. Right now I am just put off by people. I love people, I like talking to them, working with them, doing business with them, playing pool with them, etc. But I don't want any one too close to me. Maybe I expect too much, maybe I'm too sensitive or too easily hurt. All I know is I don't trust anyone near my emotional self because people have proven to be too selfish, insensitive, destructive, and critical. They can perpetuate divorces to find their flings that trigger endorphins and make them feel validated and desirable, and charge around like they have life solved and they are so new age and wise and balanced. Good for all of them. I really just want to be left alone. No, I'm not even considering meeting anyone or dating casually. It's possible I won't ever open that door again. And while it's possible this is just how I feel now and that will change with time, it's also possible that I am just different than other people and don't need to be around them. Like I wouldn't let my 4 year old daughter play with a porcelain vase, I don't feel most people know how to take care of each other enough to want to put myself near them. And even if they act like they do, that only lasts until they feel deprived of their personal happiness. No, I'd have to have a lot of reasons to think someone should be in my life. And I'm completely happy with that at this time.

As for Mozza's comments, yes, I am very driven. I have thought for many years for many hundreds of hours about all of the things he said. I continue to find it odd that the message of "you don't have to be perfect" is delivered in such a critical and judgmental manner. I know exactly who I am, and I am fine with myself. I understand it isn't easy to be on my team, and I am fine playing alone. It also isn't easy being on a team of people that don't put the same thought and care into what they do, and don't have the same sensitivity that you do. As he said there is no perfection. I'll leave STBX to go off and find the person easier to live with.

I don't feel like posting much anymore. Other people need this board. It is for healing, not for companionship. I know what I am, what I need to do. I need to work. I need to parent my kids. I need to compete. I need to execute at the jobs in front of me. This I will do. I will enjoy the work, and I will enjoy the leisure when it comes my way. Tonight I showed my kids videos of alligator death rolls and we were all cheering. Everything is perfect just the way it is. I am very close to being at peace. I feel still. Everything is right now. I'm sensitive to criticism but right now people can say what they want. It's ok. I wish you well on your journeys. I'm happy to share the road with those of you that want to. And thank you to those who have been so supportive, accepting, and affirming along the way. The DB forums taught me so much about relationships, life, and myself. You have taught me what it means to have friends.