Have a think about your boundary here. If she chooses to go and meet OM, what does that mean to you? Will you feel happy to share the MBR/bed with her? Will you feel happy to still live in the same house etc. Also, be sure that is what she is doing, and that you are not reading the worst into something else.
Once you are clear on your own bottom line here, you can let her know. Hey, it's up to you if you want to go and meet OM. But if you do, I'm not willing to X. It's your choice W.
And if she chooses to go ahead? Well, our choices carry consequences and the boundary will be enforced. Please don't approach this in a punitive way - it is not about punishing. It is about how you want your life to be (and not to be.) It is about your own wellbeing and the respect you have for yourself.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Yes I am reading/following the rules...Thanks for the reminder though. What I am struggling with is do I confront her in advance of her planned getaway, or do I just let it happen and then set the boundaries afterwards? I know that I can not change her actions - she will do it regardless.
Some of the techniques in both of the book as well as on here describe detachment or aloofness and in some ways that would not be the opposite for me. So I'm a little confused as to how I should act.
You don't take the opposite on everything.
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I have not broached the topic of her emotional affair since our initial discussion yes I know it is continuing. I drafted a note to her but essentially told her that I understood why she was seeking an emotional connection because that had been lacking from me for so long. I further stated that I knew her emotional affair was escalating and knew she had plans to meet and let her know how this made me feel and that it was not acceptable to me. But I have not run this conversation with her and at this point do not think that I will. Should I say anything more to her say anything more to her about my knowledge there or do I let it lay there?
Well, IMHO, it almost sounds as if you are validating her for the emotional affair. My suggestion is don't give her this written note. It makes you look weak.
Don't you believe your W knows it is unacceptable behavior? Let me clarify something about approaching her regarding the EA. Confrontation, alone, does absolutely nothing to resolve the issue. Do not give an ultimatum, unless thoroughly prepared to follow through with it. Ultimatums doesn't sit well with a W who is on the verge of leaving.
Although you are very new, you could be reading up on the subject of personal boundaries. Boundaries are placed to protect you, and you will be the one to do the action, if that boundary is broken. Ultimatums are telling her that she either does it your way or else she has to __________ (fill in the blank). Here on the DB board, we try to encourage the application of boundaries.
Boundaries should be based on your personal values and belief system. You shouldn't go around the house crowing about everything being a boundary. There are people who try to turn everything into a boundary, even the things that make no sense at all.
An example often given is, "I will not live in an open marriage". However, I've seen people tell their spouse these words and then back down from carrying through. They seem to think that stating those words will stop the affair dead in its tracks. No true. You have to know what you will do, if you state it and then its not honored. Boundaries are not to control the other person. Boundaries are to protect yourself from the other person's behavior. If the boundaries are not enforced, they are invalid.
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Do I continue to let her weave this lie without saying anything?
I suppose that's up to you. What would you say to her, in order to cause her to stop?
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Do I just sit back and let her go on this weekend when I know what it will entail?
Again, that's up to you. What would you do to stop her going? Tell her again how you feel about it?
Do not confront her about anything, just to see her reaction. Confrontation, alone, will not fix the problem or change her mind. That's what a lot of newcomers don't get.
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If so, do I confront her when she returns telling her that I know the real reason for her trip ?
Same as previous answer.
It's too easy for her to lie her way out of it. Usually, the WW will either deny all of it (even when faced with proof), or she'll give a lesser level of truth. For instance: "I did meet with him, but we just talked", when in reality they shared a room together. "Okay, we did get a room, but we just kissed and it went no further", when in reality they had sex.
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Upon her return do I ask that she no longer sleep in the same bed (as Sandi has suggested in some of her other comments)?
Not unless you want to appear as a needy, clingy, and very weak man. Not unless you want to give her the message that she can pull this off without any consequences for her actions. Not unless you want her disrespect for her H to continue to grow.
Would you want to sleep with her upon coming back from a weekend with another man?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So things around the house have been very calm for the past week or so...my wife seldom initiates any conversation and I am getting weary of always 'carrying the ball' talking. I get the sense that she is ok for now with the status quo. I am continuing to be patient and am doing things for and with myself and others.
My wife is leaving this weekend for a trip in which, at least part of the time, she will be seeing the OM (he lives many states away). I have confirmed this, but she does not know that I know this. This will be the first time that I can confirm that they have/will be physically together. Upon her return she will find that I have moved her out of the bedroom.
So this is my question: Is it better that I tell he before she goes away that I know what she is meeting the OM? I know this will not change her plans (and will probably initially even heighten her connection to the OM during her visit). Or should I wait until her return and tell her that I know the real purpose of her trip?
Either way, I plan on telling her that, at the very least, we owe each other honesty and integrity and that I have boundaries and spell out what they are.
Just to clarify the above, I am not OK with her actions/intention. My confrontation is not meant to produce any change in her behavior as I do not think it will or can. The purpose is for me - to put my boundaries in place and enforce them. It is not acceptable to me for her to be seeing the OM while she lives in our house. It is not acceptable to me for her to share the same bed/bedroom. I also know that by me setting these boundaries it may hasten her intent to separate. But I must do it to protect myself emotionally.
Others are now telling me that I should not confront her. By confronting her I will have to admit that I spied on her online messages and this will certainly not go well.
I spoke with my coach today and she said that moving my wife out of the MBR would be a good boundary to establish IF she has admitted to the affair or it is in the open. But since I know she is going to meet the OM and she doesn't know that I am aware, I would need to confront her. In doing so she will know that I have snooped and she will blow a gasket. Given her anger anger level right now, I am pretty sure that she will see that as an opportunity to pursue separation, etc. It is a matter of keeping my eye on the ultimate goal of starting a new relationship with my wife versus an intermediate goal of setting a boundary to protect my self esteem. It is an extremely tough spot to be in. What would I do if I did not have the information that I have. I guess that is why DB recommends not snooping. What do you do when you have information that she doesn't know you have? If you act on it it has consequences, if you don't act on it, it can eat you up.
