LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M

[gs9]

Gnicks



Ok .. I get the panic in your sitch … I’ve been there, just where you are .. in fact twice… once in Mar13 and again in Mar 14. Sandi is spot on with everything she has said and I totally agree ..I will just hit on some key points that she addressed but they are important.

Thank you. You and Sandi are being great to me. I hope someday I can repay you in some way. It's wonderful to hear from another guy who has successfully navigated through my sitch.

The first .. praying for her, setting up the TV to watch .. all that … while your heart is in the right place its coming off as pursuing, on top of that it sends a judgmental tone … she had the A, the guilt is there or it isn’t .. that is between her and God, God doesn’t need your help he already has this figured out and you are pushing YOUR agenda here … sure fighting for your marriage may be noble but the more you squeeze the harder she will fight to slip out and you getting up on the pulpit will only make her run harder, she will turn to God when most of us typically do … when we need him to fix the mess we made, we realize the damage we’ve done and we own up to our mistakes … your WW is not there.

Again, you both are right. It is pursuing and sounds preachy/judgmental. She knows I can set up the TV to watch it online and she can ask me if she'd like to watch it. I will continue to take my daughter to church. I'll let my WW know she is welcome to join us but will not ask her to go. Does this sound right "D4 and I are going to the 9am service. You're welcome to join us if you'd like."

She knows I pray for her so I don't need to tell her.

She also knows I do my daily devotionals every morning in my office and she is welcome to join me at any time.

I will continue to set the right example and let her come to me.

As far as the mediation … as Sandi says your W knows you do not want it .. it’s a power play here, you are deprerately wanting to do all in your power to stop this and regain control, she is pushing it to keep control. Reading your posts I will lean on your faith. Do you truly trust God? Go and really get some quiet time and be alone with Him, my advice … what I did .. I gave my M to God and decided to use that energy and focused on myself and my son. I showed up to both the mediation sessions happy, at peace and ready to accept whatever it was God decided for me. W had doubts and DBing, having faith, above all having patience is the only reason I am not D. Even if I was D’d I knew in my heart I was going to be OK .. you need to work on yourself a bit and let God have this portion of the fight.

I have really been striving to do this part. To let her go, let my M go and let God. If we D I will be better than OK bc He has a plan for me better than I can imagine.
Your insight here is fantastic. I'm going to show up to mediation tomorrow happy, at peace and ready to accept whatever it is God has for me. And I'm going to have patience. For the last couple weeks or so I've been hearing God tell me "Wait." Waiting is so hard!

Last thing, I think you see it and looks like sandi touched on it. A W never seems to love a man she does not respect. You retaking the MBR was a step .. but you must continue to build your own self-worth and rebuild your self-esteem. My W was a lot like yours, critical, vicious with the words and over time she broke me down, I became a fixer, conflict avoid .. its common among us LBHs here and when we start to rebuild ourselves, set boundaries and demand to be treated with respect … one would think its empowering but I argue its nothing short of freedom, not carrying around that weight of having to accept punishment is an extremely liberating thing.

It has felt GREAT! She has not treated with my respect and mostly bc I've allowed it. I've enabled her bad behavior But no more. This last week there have been some significant changes so I will continue on the path I'm on and alter a couple things based on the advice you guys are giving me ie eliminate all acts of pursuing, preaching, and not tolerating being treated as her doormat. I believe I set some good boundaries and foundation this last week and will continue to build on it.

My advice … stand up for yourself in mediation, consult a L to protect YOUR rights and insulate your children. This is HER choice, you do not have to like it but respect this is what she feels she needs, in her mind you are the singular obstacle in the way of her happiness and she will have to discover if that is true on her own without your help. You’ve been a door mat for much of the marriage, she is not used to you sticking up for yourself … let her spew and pout as things do not go her way .. its normal .. she will not like it but the hopes are she will at the least start respecting you.

Brilliant again! Thank you. I will not be pushed around in mediation and will not be her door mat anymore. I have consulted a L but will again if necessary.