I'm glad you had a nice weekend, it is always great to meet up with old friends!
I agree with hold'n, i would get yourself and Atty, and totally remove yourself from the D issue, that way you can say, next time H brings it up "I really don't know....why don't you get your Atty to contact mine and see where we're at." I really think you should have an atty that you trust, you need to protect your interests and at least they can do it in an unemotional way.
I can't stand that your H has turned everything on tis head, but don't let him get away with it. Remember you have control of YOU and cannot control HIM, BUT you can make him accountable for his actions. Regardless of what is going on for him, you deserve to be treated with the respect of at least an answer as to the 'why', after all, he asked you to marry him. It took both of you to do that, your still married, so you are at least entitled to an explaination.
In the meantime, i would just get on with what your doing, let H wonder about YOU for a while. Might be worth checking out what 180's you can do. (Such as getting really peeved at him next time he mentions the D stuff!!) I don't know, but it sounds like it is definatly time for a change!
YOU are doing great and i guess you need to ask your self if you still want the broken man anyway!!!
My friend always says:
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Wonder, Now don't go thinking I'm a jekyl and hyde, but I do want to caution you about an attorney.
If you HAD an attorney, I would tell your H to contact your attorney.
If you feel certain H is going to do the D, I would get a very aggressive attorney.
If H is bluffing, I would not get an attorney, yet. They seem determined to make sure you end up D... since that is what they are getting paid for.
So, more stones in your road... lol.
As far as alien behavior, I do not agree that they are thinking clearly. My H COMPLETELY changed. There was a time he literally could not write his name. He almost lost his job, he has removed himself for his children, home, extended family, the morals he has lived with for 44 years, everything. All for his "happiness" and I have never heard more sadness in his voice in my life. He was a different person, and he did scare me. At one point, I wrote in my journal if I ended up dead, who I thought would have done it... How's that?
And now, it seems my H is back... which hurts even more, cause he isn't back with me, but I see the wonderful person he used to be.
Well, it's Monday, and gloomy... and gloomy and blue in my head, too. Sorry. It IS wonderful to have friends here on the bb... but I so wish all of us would find happiness, joy and peace and Michelle could shut this thing down.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I think one telling factor about whether there is more going on, whether its MLC or other factors, is to look at the rest of their lives and relationships, their job, how they are functioning in their lives other than the S.
Hey,
Well, she is dead on track in the rest of her life. She started a new job today, same company, different department, a promotion. So clearly, she is able to focus on that aspect. School is going well; that has always been a priority. Tonight, she registers for Summer and Fall. Be interesting to see if she mentions when her classes are. And I know she goes out and meets her friends for dinner, coffee, etc. So, it would appear her life is on track.
Quote: There was nothing rational or clear about what he was saying or doing at that time.
I think it scares us, because we see them leaving, leaving behind everything we believe in. Their beliefs no longer seem to be related to ours.
Hang in and do for you, since this is all you have.
Hey B... when I say I was scared, I don't mean about losing my H... though of course I felt that.
I mean watching him get violent, rage, hysterically cry, alienate himself from all our close friends for a long time, and sink into the a horrible depression that alternated with being incredibly callous and mean to me. Yes... he was breaking.
H is not in this place anymore. In fact, H spent a lot of time telling me how screwed up he was then. If he were still there, I would have had to cut him out of my life out of my own sense of safety, no matter the love I have. I do see him dipping back into those explanations for his current choices, and that's HIS to wrestle with. We both know it is what it is.
I think he's been lost a long while. I think he is impacted by his family's medical history of depressive illness. And I think he's very messed up about how to explain where he is now and why. I think there are lots of factors. Our M communication was one, but not by any means the only one.
I saw how it was pain in him causing him to act that way-- NO ONE acts the way he did without pain and some psychological components.
MGoBlue posted this on his thread today and this describes my experience very well... it may not describe yours. Or it may. I don't know.
Quote: In most cases, the MLC spouse is in a great hurry to get divorced early after dropping the bomb. My belief is that it comes from guilt. Or the attempt to avoid it. They typically are already involved with someone else, and have been for awhile. To them, the sooner they get divorced, the sooner they will stop feeling guilty for what they are doing behind their spouses back. In their mind, they attempt to create a situation where they believe they were really not unfaithful. They had already detached from the marriage emotionally, the only thing left is to make it official.
The mind of a MLC spouse is very confused and twisted. They are not in their right mind. They twist things in their head so that they can feel justified. No logic, just a lot of irrational thinking. I'm not sure how much they are conciously aware of what they are really saying and doing at times. They are living in reactionary mode based on emotions. What ever feels good, they do it. What ever feels bad, they avoid it. In order to heal one self, you must go through the painful process of feeling your pain, and understanding it's origin. There is no other way. To MLC spouses, they avoid dealing with their painful emotions, and seek out experiences that will numb the pain, and bring them happiness. Even if it's only short term.
I do sense you're doing a lot of making everything your W is doing about you and it sounds to me like it's more about her. That's your pain talking. Step 1... start with a beginner's mind... I would bet underneath her "happiness" there is pain that she doesn't know how to reach yet.
Quote: A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
LOL
Thanks for all the good advice about attys. I am still on the fence here, but think I will hire one if H goes ahead. In the meantime, it's 180-land for me.
Wonder, you could also do what I did - consult a mediator/atty - they are more mellow. You can just have one meeting to sort of assess your rights, etc. H doesn't have to know. Nothing aggressive, just keeping yourself in the know.
Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way, as always.
