Hey B... when I say I was scared, I don't mean about losing my H... though of course I felt that.
I mean watching him get violent, rage, hysterically cry, alienate himself from all our close friends for a long time, and sink into the a horrible depression that alternated with being incredibly callous and mean to me. Yes... he was breaking.
H is not in this place anymore. In fact, H spent a lot of time telling me how screwed up he was then. If he were still there, I would have had to cut him out of my life out of my own sense of safety, no matter the love I have. I do see him dipping back into those explanations for his current choices, and that's HIS to wrestle with. We both know it is what it is.
I think he's been lost a long while. I think he is impacted by his family's medical history of depressive illness. And I think he's very messed up about how to explain where he is now and why. I think there are lots of factors. Our M communication was one, but not by any means the only one.
I saw how it was pain in him causing him to act that way-- NO ONE acts the way he did without pain and some psychological components.
MGoBlue posted this on his thread today and this describes my experience very well... it may not describe yours. Or it may. I don't know.
Quote: In most cases, the MLC spouse is in a great hurry to get divorced early after dropping the bomb. My belief is that it comes from guilt. Or the attempt to avoid it. They typically are already involved with someone else, and have been for awhile. To them, the sooner they get divorced, the sooner they will stop feeling guilty for what they are doing behind their spouses back. In their mind, they attempt to create a situation where they believe they were really not unfaithful. They had already detached from the marriage emotionally, the only thing left is to make it official.
The mind of a MLC spouse is very confused and twisted. They are not in their right mind. They twist things in their head so that they can feel justified. No logic, just a lot of irrational thinking. I'm not sure how much they are conciously aware of what they are really saying and doing at times. They are living in reactionary mode based on emotions. What ever feels good, they do it. What ever feels bad, they avoid it. In order to heal one self, you must go through the painful process of feeling your pain, and understanding it's origin. There is no other way. To MLC spouses, they avoid dealing with their painful emotions, and seek out experiences that will numb the pain, and bring them happiness. Even if it's only short term.
I do sense you're doing a lot of making everything your W is doing about you and it sounds to me like it's more about her. That's your pain talking. Step 1... start with a beginner's mind... I would bet underneath her "happiness" there is pain that she doesn't know how to reach yet.
